An inherent “selfishness” of autism?

Me in a position of power, BE AFRAID, VERY AFRAID! I'd probably go mad wiih it and pass some really stupid laws, just because something or someone had annoyed me or tripped an inner switch. Maybe I'd make it law that you'd have to remove your socks before having sex?

I think you just need to be honest and open about what your needs are, give people the opportunity to respond, just make sure they know this is an opening position and not a final demand.

Thank you! I really struggle with feeling self-absorbed, and I look back on when I was a kid and wish I was less 'self-absorbed', but I wouldn't even know how to do that. I think people pleasing has been a way of trying to adjust to what I think people want, but it comes with little compromise to work things out.

Thanks for explaining the double empathy problem. I had not understood that phrase and had heard it been thrown around a fair bit .

This is actually incredibly helpful and affirming! I work well with deadlines - besides that I leave things to the last minute (work related) - I'm wondering how I can have more consistent direction towards a deadline that might make it healthy for me. any suggestions?

THat script sounds really honest. My fear is that if I said that, I would end up being someone who is not a reliable person, and then people won't reach out to me for things (I want to prove that I can be capable and consistent as well). However, I do want to try and give this a go.

I think the difficult thing is trying so hard to detach from that part of myself so that I can be more understanding of others' perspectives. I find it really difficult to accept that I am a person stuck in my own head, because for a long time I thought I was connecting to people properly and now i realise I am stuck in my own head more than I think, and it frustrates me.

I heard about this, and thought it was really beautiful. I had thought it was a word that was always in their culture, but I realised it was pretty modern.

I do that backing in a corner a lot, I can relate! I then feel guilty for adjusting and saying I can't do that thing, and I get concerned that they will see me as inconsistent.

I think it's difficult if you're a people pleaser though. Because it doesn't give people a chance to try and compromise and make adjustments, and when I do try, and I get told something that may spark a conflict, I feel as if I give in. My therapist responded back saying for me to think about him and that he has others to book, when I already said before that I understood I needed to learn from his perspective. In the end I just sent a time and not respond to the rest of what he said, and just felt resigned.

I don't know if I just feel guilty for not being honest about my needs in order to people please, and it's shut out the opportunity for people to try and help me.

Or prime minister!

Right on! TheCatWoman for president!

I think it's all a power and control game to be honest, people tell you you're being rude and not making enough effort to fit in or understand their point of view or whatever, but do they ever stop to think they don't have an automatic right to be understood, that they have to make compromises too, that they have to make an effort too?

I find a lot of people expect one to tie themselves in knots to be accomodating, but when does it ever go the other way? 

Compromise should mean everybody giving up a litle of what they want so that everybody gets most of what they want, only it always seems that one person gives up almost everything they want and an/others get everything they want whilst we get crumbs off the table.

I’d say theres two sides the im doing things for me and the I want to please people like ive just handed a sick note at work but told them I’ll give them 2 weeks to deliver on their promises streight away I feel like all ive done is backed my self into a corner becuase they’ve changed nothing and just been all thank you for understanding 

I really like this definition. Refreshing simplistic but captures the real essence of being autistic.

aurelis said:

It’s really hard to genuinely see things from others perspective sometimes

That is true, and it goes both ways - non autistic people can find it hard to understand the perspective of an autistic person - it's known as the double empathy problem.

Damojo is correct that "aut" is from the Greek Autos meaning self, but "ism" has several meanings, one of which is a state a of being. So I like to think of autism as meaning a state of being oneself. Sometimes.that means we don't think of another person's feelings before speaking or doing something, but if we upset someone it's not intentional - unlike some people, who do understand how people feel but do or say things that upset them anyway, for their own reasons, or just because they don't care.

Yes, autism can make us self absorbed sometimes, but many famous autistic people who have helped mankind progress have been self absorbed, in order to focus on their creativity and to invent stuff. It can have positive as well as negative results.

aurelis said:

try my best to be aware that people have other lives and need to know things

That is a great idea, and shows that you consider others. I have found that it's good practice to stop and try to think of what the other person needs, and to think of the best way to communicate with them to keep them "in the loop". It takes time to learn these strategies, but you're doing well.

I guess if you went by the literal definition of selfish then you could suggest this but for me selfishness has some sort of intention/not caring. This is very different to lacking an awareness. You obviously care or you wouldn't have written this post. Some people with autism do have great difficulties with others perspectives and there's not a magic solution to that. 

Perhaps you could try to change your tactic to dealing with this and try to be a bit more upfront with people. So with your therapist you could explain that it takes you a while to decide the date and time, could they give you a deadline they need to know by so you're not inadvertently making life hard for them. That way your therapist understands the reasons it's taking you a while and you've got a solid rule to follow. 

Again with promising to do things. In the moment you say yes you truly feel like you can but it can be hard to follow through. Could you have a little script for yourself that you could use rather than saying yes. Explaining that you would really like to help and if you feel able you definitely will but due to your autism you have fluctuations in your executive function (or whatever it is that makes it difficult) and you don't want to make a promise you can't keep. 

I obviously don't know you so none of that might work for you but just a suggestion. I know when I've really struggled with some things previously that had unwritten social rules somebody helped me by giving me a rule that I could follow and it made a very big difference for me. It can be hard to explain our needs but sometimes we need to be honest.

These thoughts brought to mind:

The Maori word for autism is Takiwatanga, which translates to "in his or her own time and space".

This term was coined by Keri Opai, a Maori civil servant, to provide a respectful and non-judgemental way to describe autism.

Takiwatanga emphasizes that autistic individuals have their own unique timing, pacing, and rhythms for experiencing the world, aligning with the neurodiversity perspective that views autism as a natural variation rather than a deficit.

"Autism" is from the Greek "autos", meaning "self", paired with "-ism". So you could call it "self-ism", but, I think, more in the sense of being self-reflective or self-absorbed or a little oblivious, rather than being selfish. To be selfish, you need other people, but you can be Autistic all by yourself, so it's not the same thing.

aurelis said:

I can’t trust my brain alone. It’s really hard to genuinely see things from others perspective sometimes.

Yep, you got that right! Our brains sometimes do things their way and we're just passengers along for the ride. It's important to realise that this is normal for us, even if others think it is odd. We are not broken or bad normal people; we are a perfectly good Autistic people who do things a bit differently.