Hello
I started a new job last week with a company that really seems to pride itself on its diversity and inclusion practices, its status as a disability confident employer, and its mental health support. I was therefore feeling a touch optimistic in amidst the anxiety.
The role is in the same work type as I was in for the last 10 years plus, but it is a slightly different area of the industry. This role is also in the private sector, whereas my previous one was public sector. I left my last role due to the lack of flexibility and the toxic environment.
I took a two hour train ride to attend the office on my first day and collect my laptop, as well as get my logins sorted. It was quiet and the day actually went ok. My role is a working from home contract.
I found out that my actual line manager was on leave and so I wouldn't meet them until next week.
For the past few days since starting, I've not really been given much to do, nor heard from anyone. I did have some induction emails to read and some general compliance training to do.
But what has really struck me is the complete lack of any structured training for the role. Like, none. I was assigned a couple of 'tasks', and then spoke to the colleague who they belonged to over what needed to be done for each specific task only.
I feel completely overwhelmed with all the newness. The new company, new people, new terminology. I know it's early days, but my anxiety is just increasing and I'm crying a lot. I just don't understand anything with the work, even though I've only had a few things passed to me. I know people say it takes time, but the levels of my stress are so great I don't think I can just ride it out.
I have logged my autism on the HR system, and thought about what reasonable adjustments might help. During my recruitment process, I hadn't said about my autism, assuming the opportunity would come up during onboarding, which would then lead to a discussion of my needs. This doesn't appear to have happened.
Today I've just been logged on reading through intramet pages and feeling awful.
I plan on emailing my manager for Monday with a description of the difficulties I face, including the stress I feel, and a list of adjustments I need (like actual structured training!). And then see what comes. I'm not feeling hopeful. And even then, I still have to somehow get through the next two days.
Part of me wants to quit, but I have no back up job. I can't go back to my old place as my role was filled, and I didn't leave on good terms (I was signed off for my notice). Part of me wants to try hold on until they get rid of me for not being capable of the job, despite being interviewed and doing two assessments, and even being told they'd interviewed quite a few people, but most were not 'where they wanted them to be'.
I think I'm about to test their claims of being disability confident. But I just feel so awful and trapped right now.
