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I think my ASD husbands new special interest is his female ASD coworker or its more than a special interest

SM0421

This probably way to long and I am sorry for that.  

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. The routines that we have known for the last 15 years have been completely upended with a new job that he started 9 months ago. He has not been able to adjust to the place he is working at all. There are 500 plus people around, interacting with him for 10 hours a day and he hit complete mask burn out. Shut me out completely which has never happened no matter how bad things got for him. Communication in any form came to all but a complete stop.

I knew he needed his space to process daily and I've always given him that no questions. The problem is we went from having 6-7 hours at night together to at the most 3 hours if we are lucky.  In those 3 hours I'm lucky if I can get him to look my way let alone speak to me most nights. He was running on autopilot, and speaking to me in ways that he never come close to before. He has always bee a very loving and very affectionate man; always touching me in someway when when he got with in arms length. That all disappeared, I know he is under a huge amount of stress from masking for so many people for so long all day and it has taken its toll. So when he told me he met someone at work that has ASD and they have helped him with some coping skills I was so happy! He wanted to meet up with them so they could talk for longer than 20 seconds at a time and not get in trouble or be on the factory floor. I didn't have any problem at that time I thought it would really help. Then it came out that it was a female, but at the time I didn't have any issues because he was acting like he had been for the last few months. 

The hour coffee turned in to 5 hours... now I'm confused how he completely disregarded letting me know once in all that time, that he wasn't coming home when he said. That is beyond out of his comfort zone. From the time he got home and for the next week all he talked about was her, and it was constant. Then his phone started going off like crazy. They were messaging continuously from the time he got home from work all the way until he fell asleep. I didn't think it was possible but he became even more distant from me and when ever I needed to tell him something actually important he didn't remember me saying it. If he called me on his breaks he would continue to message her and not pay attention to our minimal conversation. I told him in one conversation that my nose had turned green and it made my clown hair look horrible. The response was, "Oh thats good".

I have always supported, listened and encouraged all of my husbands special interests, the fact that he has special interests and quirks is one of the things I fell in love with. The majority of the time I am right there with him enjoying them. When we found out he had ASD I deep dived for months to find out everything possible to help him and with me having AuDHD if there is anything that could be a hurdle. 

At this point I am almost positive she is his new special interest and I can't support this special interest. We have had more issues and  fights in the last month about his new friend than the entire time we have been together. He started gas lighting me and giving excuses to defend what he is doing, then circles back to gas lighting constantly. I have explained I am not at all comfortable with how much they message each other. My husband said I have nothing to hide, I leave my phone out and unlocked. You can look at it anytime you want. I get told, "We can't talk at length at work, so when can I?" " We talk about ways to help get through my day" and so on. The problem is that isn't what is being discussed. Nothing is work related and it has taken a turn to he is her protector, he reminds her not to forget things, says she is a truely amazing person, he is going to miss her, hopes she sleep good tonight and so on. He knows more about her cats than he does about what is going on with our children or me for that matter. We started doing things together again and I was SO Excited... then I found out it was something she also liked to do and he was sending her updates from our personal reconnecting time together to work on us. 

Am I over reacting? I do not him to message her, it is hurting our marriage. 

 

  • in reply to Naruto_2025

    Thank you for the reply. I have no intention of leaving my husband. I have looked in to a therapist but finding one with the speciality we need is almost impossible. I’m going to keep looking and see what happens. Talking to the friend would probably be a dumpster fire, but it is one that I have been trying to avoid hoping this comes around. Having some validation that I’m not over reacting does help. 

  • in reply to SM0421
    SM0421 said:
    He’s even admitted if the situation was reversed he would’ve forbidden me to talk to the person and more than likely threatened them. 

    So he is seeing the red flags but is probably kind of smitten by the attention so is choosing to ignore them!

    In your shoes I would be taking the rather high risk approach of meeting her (since this will make you the "baddie" in both their eyes) but appealing to her humanity.

    With your husband, if he does not show significant change as a result of the discussions I suggested then I would tell him you want couples counselling as he is hurting you so badly that the relationship is at risk.

    Sometimes it needs a blunt "if this, then that" approach (but with some time for him to digest the info) for him to realise the damage he is causing.

    In the meantime I would be looking for a couples counsellor who has experience with helping autist / NT couples and take a deep breath before speaking to a divorce lawyer just so you know what is needed in the worst case scenario.

    I would also get a therapist for yourself to help your own mental heath and to talk over the issues with so you can process things in a healthier way.

    Hopefully this will straighten itself out but it helps to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to SM0421

    I am very glad to hear it, it can take time with us sometimes, or explained very specifically. Your actions seem to have spoken to him too. At times that's how I've picked up on my wife not being happy about something, or having a bad day.

    You really do have the patience of a saint, and he's very lucky to have you.

    I'm pleased things seem to be improving.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you! 
    That is one of my biggest issues. He already has an issue with not knowing when he is being hit on. I’ve also had to explain why some verbiage is not appropriate in their messages. My other concern is she knows he’s married and NEVER corrects him or insinuates his wife would not approve. She is my concern, he has so much trust in her to help him, he’s not seeing any red flags. He’s even admitted if the situation was reversed he would’ve forbidden me to talk to the person and more than likely threatened them. 

  • in reply to Iain

    Oh of course, don't get me wrong she is completely correct to have her concerns.

  • in reply to Naruto_2025

    Thank you for your POV reply. It’s helpful to hear some of my husband’s statements from a neutral source. I’m trying to stay positive because I know I’m his everything, even if I don't always feel it.

    I’ve realized I can’t fully understand what he’s going through; That has been thrown at me many times - I’ve stopped offering help for now. Some nights, it’s just too hard to talk to me because it  too much energy. So we don’t talk. I eventually leave the room, I can’t sit with him while he messages another woman, plutonic or not. 

    We’re working to improve things, and he’s finally starting to see that his actions hurt me and that he shouldn’t prioritize a friendship over his marriage. It’s a work in progress but we will get there. 

    Thank you again for your response; it’s been a great help.

  • in reply to Naruto_2025
    Naruto_2025 said:
    I love my wife dearly, but I can't feel truly seen, she will never 100% understand my struggles

    This is very true.

    If it were a non-threatening (to the relationship) person he was getting so close to then I can see this being a phase that will pass as he settles into work, but because it is a woman, there is a much greater risk of the closeness shaping up to be something more - exactly as the original poster is worried about.

    Autists often struggle with relationships, interpriting social signals and understanding what is appropriate and this mix is where I can see the husband is in a dangerous position.

    It only takes a moment of weakness when they find themselves close together, maybe just passing a cup of coffee and brushing skin against skin for a sensory spike to remind him/her that they are really close and there is something there potentially and it would feel so good if they just leaned a bit closer ...

    It may be innocent but allowing this to continue without agreeing boundaries is dangerous.

    My approach would be for the wife to meet with the woman, explain her worries and ask her to be respectful of their relationship. By being explicit in what worries her, explaining why it would cause her a lot of personal pain and answering questions while guaging the responses it should give her an idea if there is a risk and inform the other woman of the full scope of the situation.

    Repeating the process with the husband would also be necessary to get everyone informed.

    As an autist I have found myself being subject to advances at work where I didn't realise the situation had developed that way but have always apologiesed and remained faithful, but with the OPs husband being in such a stressed situation then the temptation may prove too much.

    .

  • I'm really sorry to hear all that.

    Here's an autistics POV. I work full time, come home completely burnt out, I want peace, quit and time to recharge, but my wife would come home and talk my ear off about strangers I couldn't give two hoots about. I, like your husband also suffer from over masking which has it's effects at home. There are nights where I don't want to speak or acknowledge my wife. It coursed issues but we've talked about it and we're working on it. 

    The trouble is, being autistic we can't see things the way you do. He literally will see it as innocent, it's someone he can relate to unfortunately, and won't see the issue (been there). 

    I love my wife dearly, but I can't feel truly seen, she will never 100% understand my struggles, she still gets frustrated with me over things I can't control. Hats off to you btw, you've deep dived much more than my wife has. 

    From what you've described it does sound like a hyperfocus. Trying to put myself in your position though, I can understand where you're coming from completely.

    From what you've said, you sound like an absolutely wonderful wife with the level of support and research you've done, as well as your patience and understanding. 

    I truly hope things work out for you and that things improve.