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Question about anxiety around misunderstanding meaning

Tom

Hi - I'm a first-time poster here, 44 years old, and fairly recently diagnosed with autism - approx 2 years ago. During the period post-diagnosis I've been heavily reflecting on things that have been difficult over the years and things that continue to be challenging but that I've been putting a brave face on the whole time (and continue to).

My question to the community here is do many of you suffer strong anxiety when you feel like a person (or persons) have communicated something and that there is an intention behind the message but you're not absolutely clear what that message is? It's driving me nuts and I'm realising that it's been driving me nuts my whole life. I feel a strong sense that people are often putting pressure on me to be a certain way and to react to thing, or behave in general, in a particular way adhering to a kind of societal code I'm not aware of all the time.

I guess I'm just using this forum as a way of saying what I'm feeling in a community that might be able to sympathise with. Very interested to hear of others' experiences similar to this.

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  • Tom said:
    do many of you suffer strong anxiety when you feel like a person (or persons) have communicated something and that there is an intention behind the message but you're not absolutely clear what that message is?

    I long ago adopted an approach of asking them directly if they can explain specifically what they men as I'm unclear and don't want there to be a misunderstanding. If you can do this in a neutral tone then it will achieve the folowing:

    1 - it makes them clarify what they mean and you now have the opportunity to ask for clarification on details.

    2 - if they are being mean then it makes them reconsider doing so in future because they are being called out on it.

    3 - it lowers your anxiety as you now know rather than worry

    4 - it helps build your assertiveness through practice.

    This also works for people who are pushing you to behave a certain way. They have to justify its value before you have to accept it (or not) and this process will bring to light weaknesses in their arguement and if they are being petty, they will often out themselves and in doing so, give themselves a resason to do it less in future.

    Those are my observations from adopting the behaviour anyway - I hope some of it helps.

  • in reply to Iain

    How do you respond to, "Oh for god's sake! Why do you always answer a question with a question?! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?" (says them, answering my question with two questions)?

  • in reply to Damojo
    Damojo said:
    How do you respond to, "Oh for god's sake! Why do you always answer a question with a question?! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?"

    I would say

    "I need to understand what is expected of me and to a degree why. Blind obedience is for fools and I hope you do not consider me a fool, that would upset me. Now lets start this conversation again please."

    I'm confident enough to shame them for bad behaviour while telling them what I need and why, then give them a get-out and be a better person for it.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    I pity the fool who chose the macaroni and cheese...

    Yeah. Yeuch, right?

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