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Question about anxiety around misunderstanding meaning

Tom

Hi - I'm a first-time poster here, 44 years old, and fairly recently diagnosed with autism - approx 2 years ago. During the period post-diagnosis I've been heavily reflecting on things that have been difficult over the years and things that continue to be challenging but that I've been putting a brave face on the whole time (and continue to).

My question to the community here is do many of you suffer strong anxiety when you feel like a person (or persons) have communicated something and that there is an intention behind the message but you're not absolutely clear what that message is? It's driving me nuts and I'm realising that it's been driving me nuts my whole life. I feel a strong sense that people are often putting pressure on me to be a certain way and to react to thing, or behave in general, in a particular way adhering to a kind of societal code I'm not aware of all the time.

I guess I'm just using this forum as a way of saying what I'm feeling in a community that might be able to sympathise with. Very interested to hear of others' experiences similar to this.

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  • Tom said:
    do many of you suffer strong anxiety when you feel like a person (or persons) have communicated something and that there is an intention behind the message but you're not absolutely clear what that message is?

    I long ago adopted an approach of asking them directly if they can explain specifically what they men as I'm unclear and don't want there to be a misunderstanding. If you can do this in a neutral tone then it will achieve the folowing:

    1 - it makes them clarify what they mean and you now have the opportunity to ask for clarification on details.

    2 - if they are being mean then it makes them reconsider doing so in future because they are being called out on it.

    3 - it lowers your anxiety as you now know rather than worry

    4 - it helps build your assertiveness through practice.

    This also works for people who are pushing you to behave a certain way. They have to justify its value before you have to accept it (or not) and this process will bring to light weaknesses in their arguement and if they are being petty, they will often out themselves and in doing so, give themselves a resason to do it less in future.

    Those are my observations from adopting the behaviour anyway - I hope some of it helps.

  • in reply to Iain

    How do you respond to, "Oh for god's sake! Why do you always answer a question with a question?! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?" (says them, answering my question with two questions)?

Reply Children
  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25
    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    Quite different to what you said 3 hours ago - 

    The previous response was to a much calmer situation.

    The one you refer to was more charged as Damo said:

    Damojo said:
    "Oh for god's sake! Why do you always answer a question with a question?! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?"

    This implies the person talking to me is frustrated and being rude, so I was answering in kind using shame to make them re-evaluate their question.

    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    Deixa para lá.

    Boa idea Slight smile

  • in reply to Iain

    Quite different to what you said 3 hours ago - 

    ("I need to understand what is expected of me and to a degree why. Blind obedience is for fools and I hope you do not consider me a fool, that would upset me. Now lets start this conversation again please.").

    Deixa para lá.

    "Plan B":

    Key up an earworm,

    crank up the volume,

    set on repeat,

    bustin all the moves;

    all the way to:

    ...an extra long coffee & movement break:

    www.youtube.com/watch

  • in reply to Iain

    I could just go with, "I'm not hungry, thanks."

    Or, I could stick to the truth: "I need time to work through the options. Can I get back to you in few minutes?" (But that's answering the question with a question, so I'm on dangerous ground with that one.)

    Or, maybe I'll just bring a packed lunch to family get-togethers.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    I pity the fool who chose the macaroni and cheese...

    Yeah. Yeuch, right?

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25
    DormouseAtRest_25 said:

    "I'm happy to continue this conversation when we can keep it productive."

    The above response is a statement designed to disengage from a conversation that has descended into a tone which is being experienced as unproductive or difficult.

    I tried this in the past and the result was the other person taking great offence at me implying they were causing productivity problems and got really aggressive.

    I find it best to assume some of the risk in this and approach and use the response:

    "I feel I am not able to resolve this issue here and now. Give me a short while to collect my thoughts and I'll get back to you."

    This saves face for the other party to prevent escalation and still gives time for reflection and formulating a response.

    That was from my management training course by the way.

  • in reply to Damojo

    When someone gets verbally aggressive or emotional with you in that way; one assertive answer can be:

    "I'm happy to continue this conversation when we can keep it productive."

    The above response is a statement designed to disengage from a conversation that has descended into a tone which is being experienced as unproductive or difficult.

    The idea is to set a selfcare boundary and then follow that up by you indicating to the verbally aggressive person; that you do have a willingness to pick up with the conversation - when the circumstances have returned to the cordial or professional tone.

    This strategy is about asserting yourself (without getting drawn into an aggressive spiral); by doing so in calm manner, plus, making it clear that the current discussion with it's aggressive style is not achieving the required outcome for either person.

    Your boundary (to protect yourself) is that you are no longer available to experience the ongoing / escalating aggressive or emotional conversation.

    You are not imposing a boundary on the aggressive speaker as you have made it clear how the conversation may be resumed under a productive and professional condition.

  • in reply to Damojo
    Damojo said:
    "$%@£! I just asked what you want for lunch!"

    I pity the fool who chose the macaroni and cheese...

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    Blind obedience is for fools and I hope you do not consider me a fool

    "$%@£! I just asked what you want for lunch!"

    (There were too many possibilities. I wanted to narrow them down.)

  • in reply to Damojo
    Damojo said:
    How do you respond to, "Oh for god's sake! Why do you always answer a question with a question?! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?"

    I would say

    "I need to understand what is expected of me and to a degree why. Blind obedience is for fools and I hope you do not consider me a fool, that would upset me. Now lets start this conversation again please."

    I'm confident enough to shame them for bad behaviour while telling them what I need and why, then give them a get-out and be a better person for it.