I've always been myself ... Only now I seem myself

I was on pills for ADHD for two decades. The same two decades where I denied my Autism diagnosis. I don't think that was a coincidence. I think they had a strong regulating effect on my emotions. I may have seemed myself, but I don't think I was myself. Off the meds, I'm on quite the emotional roller coaster. Life seems harder to manage now, but I am more myself and I am getting to grips with things. I think I missed my madness.

Yeah I think the meds for ADHD could have been another reason why we thought I only had ADHD rather than both that and Autism. I can manage social situations much easier on medication because I focus on what is being said much better and have better recall of words. I know there isn’t a medication that is meant to alleviate Autism, but ADHD medication did help with masking for me.

[OVERSHARING ALERT!]

I think the main reason that I now identify as Autistic is that off the ADHD meds I really feel Autistic. The meds made me feel cooler and calmer. I could sit still—though concentration was always a big problem. They blunted my emotions. I was much more able to mask, to fit in.

Over the long term, the unconscious masking was harmful. I always felt I didn't quite measure up to "normal" and that eroded my self-worth and eventually led to a bit of a crisis. Everything had became too much. I stopped taking the meds because I felt they were not helping any more. Things continued downhill for a bit. Eventually Autism—a part of my diagnosis that I had been denying for 20 years—seemed a possibility. I studied it for months and I had my long-delayed "Eureka!" moment. I was an Autistic person in Autistic burnout and I needed to rest. Yay!

Now off the meds and still with a little burnout, masking is really hard. I struggle to follow conversations. I get overwhelmed by noises, smells and movement. I have more regular meltdowns (which I finally recognise as such). Eye contact and body language are conscious struggles. I could go back on the meds—which I haven't ruled out—and make all that easier, but I am getting used to feeling the world more intensely and finally learning how to manage that in a way that is not so self-destructive.

My Autism is not all bad. I'm as likely to be overwhelmed by really strong positive emotions and sensations as negative ones. I fear the meds might take away some of my Autistic joy and I'd miss that.

Decisions, decisions.... I won't be rushing into anything.

[OVERSHARING ALERT!]

I think the main reason that I now identify as Autistic is that off the ADHD meds I really feel Autistic. The meds made me feel cooler and calmer. I could sit still—though concentration was always a big problem. They blunted my emotions. I was much more able to mask, to fit in.

Over the long term, the unconscious masking was harmful. I always felt I didn't quite measure up to "normal" and that eroded my self-worth and eventually led to a bit of a crisis. Everything had became too much. I stopped taking the meds because I felt they were not helping any more. Things continued downhill for a bit. Eventually Autism—a part of my diagnosis that I had been denying for 20 years—seemed a possibility. I studied it for months and I had my long-delayed "Eureka!" moment. I was an Autistic person in Autistic burnout and I needed to rest. Yay!

Now off the meds and still with a little burnout, masking is really hard. I struggle to follow conversations. I get overwhelmed by noises, smells and movement. I have more regular meltdowns (which I finally recognise as such). Eye contact and body language are conscious struggles. I could go back on the meds—which I haven't ruled out—and make all that easier, but I am getting used to feeling the world more intensely and finally learning how to manage that in a way that is not so self-destructive.

My Autism is not all bad. I'm as likely to be overwhelmed by really strong positive emotions and sensations as negative ones. I fear the meds might take away some of my Autistic joy and I'd miss that.

Decisions, decisions.... I won't be rushing into anything.

Thank you. This is just how I feel,  although I am autistic but not ADHD. One of the first things I did after the realisation that I am autisic was to slowly come off mirtazapine. In some ways life was easier with mirtazapine  but I could never think straight and curiously, took too many risks when driving.