I've always been myself ... Only now I seem myself

Thank you. This is just how I feel,  although I am autistic but not ADHD. One of the first things I did after the realisation that I am autisic was to slowly come off mirtazapine. In some ways life was easier with mirtazapine  but I could never think straight and curiously, took too many risks when driving. 

Accents are another trigger for me, especially the Irish ones. When someone speaks to me in that accent I do try not to talk back to them with it, It’s quite awkward but I have to control the urge. 

[OVERSHARING ALERT!]

I think the main reason that I now identify as Autistic is that off the ADHD meds I really feel Autistic. The meds made me feel cooler and calmer. I could sit still—though concentration was always a big problem. They blunted my emotions. I was much more able to mask, to fit in.

Over the long term, the unconscious masking was harmful. I always felt I didn't quite measure up to "normal" and that eroded my self-worth and eventually led to a bit of a crisis. Everything had became too much. I stopped taking the meds because I felt they were not helping any more. Things continued downhill for a bit. Eventually Autism—a part of my diagnosis that I had been denying for 20 years—seemed a possibility. I studied it for months and I had my long-delayed "Eureka!" moment. I was an Autistic person in Autistic burnout and I needed to rest. Yay!

Now off the meds and still with a little burnout, masking is really hard. I struggle to follow conversations. I get overwhelmed by noises, smells and movement. I have more regular meltdowns (which I finally recognise as such). Eye contact and body language are conscious struggles. I could go back on the meds—which I haven't ruled out—and make all that easier, but I am getting used to feeling the world more intensely and finally learning how to manage that in a way that is not so self-destructive.

My Autism is not all bad. I'm as likely to be overwhelmed by really strong positive emotions and sensations as negative ones. I fear the meds might take away some of my Autistic joy and I'd miss that.

Decisions, decisions.... I won't be rushing into anything.

Yeah I think the meds for ADHD could have been another reason why we thought I only had ADHD rather than both that and Autism. I can manage social situations much easier on medication because I focus on what is being said much better and have better recall of words. I know there isn’t a medication that is meant to alleviate Autism, but ADHD medication did help with masking for me.

I was on pills for ADHD for two decades. The same two decades where I denied my Autism diagnosis. I don't think that was a coincidence. I think they had a strong regulating effect on my emotions. I may have seemed myself, but I don't think I was myself. Off the meds, I'm on quite the emotional roller coaster. Life seems harder to manage now, but I am more myself and I am getting to grips with things. I think I missed my madness.

I didn't think I was echolalic. I don't repeat back the words that people say to me, after all. Then I discovered that there are other forms of echolalia and ... well ... let me just say ... "Father Ted". I must know nearly every line of every scene and I repeat them back when they are the least bit relevant to the context. It has been pointed out to me on several occasions that I am quite a fan. It just seems so much easier than having to formulate my own words.

I like to repeat script or lines from films. Used to do it a lot as a kid but still do as an adult. If I like the way it sounds I will try and copy it trying to match the voice exactly. A lot of the time I will just come out with these lines as if out of no where, as if someone has just put a record on in my brain. 

It also includes masking, e.g. the line "I've learned how to seem".

According to Copilot it highlights a crucial turning point. It indicates that the King has gained a level of self-awareness and control over his actions, allowing him to appear composed and functional despite his illness. 

This line also suggests that the King recognizes the difference between being himself and appearing himself. He acknowledges that his illness has impacted his mental state, but he has learned how to present himself in a way that is acceptable to others. 

Yeah, that seems like a pretty apt description of how loads of people feel post-diagnosis. Well done.