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Inner strength

Stuart333

I've been thinking about this a bit.

If you can go for years with no physical contact, limited social interactions, no real friends, no close family, just supporting yourself, working and paying taxes, dealing with issues alone, making no demands on others and adapting to fit in, is this a disability or a sign of inner strength?

I always thought of it as me against the world. The odds are lots to one. To take on the world alone for decades is not easy. I never thought of it as odd till recently, it just seemed my destiny. My attempt at being normal had led to a breakdown.

Being unable to talk about your issues, burying them, unable to ask for help, confused but unsure if anything was wrong, yet carrying on anyway, requires some force of will.

Where does this resolve come from? It seems duty, honour and responsibility, plus fear, shame, guilt and confusion.

To crack occasionally does not seem surprising. The only strange thing is how I went so long.

Rather than feel frustrated at not achieving what I wanted, and not seeking help sooner, I should celebrate the strength required to have got here.

I think this is what others can take. It has not been easy to get to where you now are. Everyone's challenges are different, but they are not easy. It has taken strength and fortitude. To stumble is not weakness. It has made you who you are. You are stronger than you think.

I still wish it could have been easier though.

Parents
  • Stuart333 said:

    Being unable to talk about your issues, burying them, unable to ask for help, confused but unsure if anything was wrong, yet carrying on anyway, requires some force of will.

    Where does this resolve come from?

    The resolve for me comes from the need to survive.

    I grew up in the 70/80s well before diagnoses were available with both parents working and siblings too old to want to spend time with a rather needy younger brother.

    In effect I was on my own most of the time and had to build those defences or suffer.

    By 15 I was lucky in being picked up as a "project boyfriend" by a popular girl in school and was taught some social skills so I didn't embarrass her in public and that gave me a bit of a boost where most autists seem to be left out.

    In uni I was mostly alone as I found it hard being accepted into the groups that formed and found myself alone and isolated away from even family for lengthy periods of time so again had no-one else to turn to.

    Leaving uni and going into a job meant lots of new people, different pressures and lots of new responsibilities but I luckily found a new girlfriend and we formed an alliance of sorts, eventually leading to buying a house together just as the housing market crashed (by around 30%) and the relationship struggled badly when we tried living together.

    Once again alone.

    So each time for me it has been a case of there was no-one else to help so I had to be my own advocate, build my own defences and push myself forward to something better.

    These were my formative years and I can see how they have shaped me to defiant self reliance and dogged self development.

    Talking about my issues only came a few years ago in my 50s when my autistic traits were holding me back from some important things in life but it was liberating.

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  • Stuart333 said:

    Being unable to talk about your issues, burying them, unable to ask for help, confused but unsure if anything was wrong, yet carrying on anyway, requires some force of will.

    Where does this resolve come from?

    The resolve for me comes from the need to survive.

    I grew up in the 70/80s well before diagnoses were available with both parents working and siblings too old to want to spend time with a rather needy younger brother.

    In effect I was on my own most of the time and had to build those defences or suffer.

    By 15 I was lucky in being picked up as a "project boyfriend" by a popular girl in school and was taught some social skills so I didn't embarrass her in public and that gave me a bit of a boost where most autists seem to be left out.

    In uni I was mostly alone as I found it hard being accepted into the groups that formed and found myself alone and isolated away from even family for lengthy periods of time so again had no-one else to turn to.

    Leaving uni and going into a job meant lots of new people, different pressures and lots of new responsibilities but I luckily found a new girlfriend and we formed an alliance of sorts, eventually leading to buying a house together just as the housing market crashed (by around 30%) and the relationship struggled badly when we tried living together.

    Once again alone.

    So each time for me it has been a case of there was no-one else to help so I had to be my own advocate, build my own defences and push myself forward to something better.

    These were my formative years and I can see how they have shaped me to defiant self reliance and dogged self development.

    Talking about my issues only came a few years ago in my 50s when my autistic traits were holding me back from some important things in life but it was liberating.

Children
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