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Newly diagnosed, people dropping away

Chloe1980

Has anyone else found since diagnosis that people dropping away as you start to unmask? I’m actually thinking that the only person I’ll be left with is my 9 year old daughter and one or two friends. It’s shocking me to realise how many layers of masking there is and I keep peeling away more and more and of people don’t completely drop away then they go quiet, family, friends , acquaintances, in a way sometimes it’s a relief but it’s also lonely and scary but now I’m unmasking I can’t revert back as I now thats all fake and so meaningless. I’m questioning everything, all the weight I’ve carried all these years and all I wnat to do is protect my daughter as I’m pretty sure she is autistic too, she’s on the waiting list for assessment. Maybe she’s all I need, maybe it’s okay to be alone at least for now, maybe to speak your truth finds your true people , maybe what you think is family are strangers. It’s a very strange time.

Parents

  • Hi Chloe. I'm gearing up to peel a few layers off my own mask, so I'd be interested to hear more about your experience. What aspects of the real you do you think went down better or worse than others? A very personal question, of course, so feel free to ignore it. No offence taken in advance. Wink

  • in reply to Damojo

    Hello that’s absolutely fine, I think it’s my honesty and my clarity , less eye contact, some stimming, changing speech patterns , slower more pauses, standing up for myself , lessening my people pleasing. I think it’s the clarity and honesty, people react so badly , I never intentionally hurt it’s just me being me , it’s my opinions and they are sometimes to big for others to take when they’ve been used to a sweet lady who made herself small to please everyone else. I also think just telling people I’m autistic alone has caused the distance, I haven’t unmasked in front of my mum and she’s just plain withdrawn from me just because of my diagnosis 

  • in reply to Chloe1980

    Thanks for that, Chloe. I'm so used to being put back in my box whenever I offer my honest opinion that I might still keep a lid on that myself. It's not unreasonable, I guess, to have to meet people half way, even if I'm not being entirely authentic. I was planning to do a bit more of the "standing up for myself" and "lessening my people pleasing", though. Mostly just notions I have rattling around in my head that I won't be browbeaten into giving a quick answer to a question if I'm genuinely struggling to comprehend what's going on, or that I will put less pressure on myself to mingle and chat at family gatherings, etc. and infodump with fewer apologies. I'd be too self-conscious to go all stimmy, but if I'm doing little stims that someone else lets me know are mildly irritating (pacing, fidgeting with my hands, etc.), I'll just tell them to live with it. Baby steps, I suppose.

    Do you have any tips or words of wisdom? Anything that's working really well for you so far? Particularly with respect to those friends of yours who haven't run for the hills. Wink How have they reacted?

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  • in reply to Chloe1980

    Thanks for that, Chloe. I'm so used to being put back in my box whenever I offer my honest opinion that I might still keep a lid on that myself. It's not unreasonable, I guess, to have to meet people half way, even if I'm not being entirely authentic. I was planning to do a bit more of the "standing up for myself" and "lessening my people pleasing", though. Mostly just notions I have rattling around in my head that I won't be browbeaten into giving a quick answer to a question if I'm genuinely struggling to comprehend what's going on, or that I will put less pressure on myself to mingle and chat at family gatherings, etc. and infodump with fewer apologies. I'd be too self-conscious to go all stimmy, but if I'm doing little stims that someone else lets me know are mildly irritating (pacing, fidgeting with my hands, etc.), I'll just tell them to live with it. Baby steps, I suppose.

    Do you have any tips or words of wisdom? Anything that's working really well for you so far? Particularly with respect to those friends of yours who haven't run for the hills. Wink How have they reacted?

Children
  • in reply to Damojo

    And the friends who haven’t run for the hills are neurodivergent themselves and looking into diagnosis 

  • in reply to Damojo

    I was like you but as the floodgates start to open it was almost like a snowball effect and I can’t stop it, I’m unpeeling and even thinking about  leaving my husband after decades of invalidation, I keep stopping and questioning what the hell im doing but I think for the first time in my life I’m trusting my instincts. Instincts Ive buried since childhood. Oversharing sorry cant help it. I thought this morning that I would rather be alone in this world with my daugher and a couple of people who get me than be constantly put back in a box and I know that feeling very deeply of being told to get back in my box in different ways and actions.