Hello all, Its my first time on this forum. I joined I guess to see if there were other autistic individuals that suffer with similar struggles of day to day life.
I’m 19. I got my official diagnosis in 2023, hoping that the paperwork and discussions would finally show to my mum and stepdad that there was an underlying reason as to why I don't like some things, or why I take a different approach in a lot of situations, but it did nothing, and meant nothing. Here I am two years later and it’s still like speaking to a brick wall whenever I talk to them.
Out of frustration, and a general desire to feel comfortable in my own home, I ended up moving with my dad, where I could take as long as I wanted to write stories, read books, and play guitar, whilst baking for my family which I absolutely love. This was great, but then came along the issue of money - I had no way to survive once I’d ran out, and so after debating it for a while I moved to my friends in Scotland, where the support for neurodivergent people is much much better than England, and so this is where I’ve started my new life. Back in January, I began taking driving lessons which was hard seeing as that was the first true adult thing I have had to do. It feels weird even now, because mentally I feel younger and like I should still be on the sofa watching some comfort show without a care in the world about car insurance or MOTs or bills or whatever, but I can’t exactly escape that.
I passed my test in May, and I’ve been loving driving ever since - it’s the one thing I can do to just relax and get away - but it still feels wrong to be doing it.
Even more recently however, I have managed the task of getting a flat. Which is incredibly scary. Here I am thinking things would be simpler and now I’m stressing about electricity and broadband providers and all sorts. It’s hard as well being here, because even though I have one of my closest friends just down the road, I would enjoy it if I had even more friends to plan stuff with - everything just feels lonely, and it’s not like I can confidently go somewhere and just make friends like a lot of people. I would love to do road trips and camping and board game / movie nights with people.
Another thing I feel a lot is just wrong. If my hair doesn’t sit the right way, or isn’t a correct length when I want it to be, I feel incorrect, like there’s some sort of fuzziness in my brain. And it stops me from enjoying my day to day life now. Even changing clothes despite the hotter weather makes me feel weird. My first tattoo and piercing made me feel discomforted for ages. I’m always chasing and craving a certain “feeling” that was comfortable to me before, but I stress myself out because I know I cannot get that feeling back again. And one of the worst things I dislike about my autism, is the attachment to people. There has been so many times where I’ve made friends over long periods of time just to get incredibly clingy and attached, which leads to jealousy and stress, and when my anxiety has been at its worst, heart palpitations and shaking. It always ends with the connection dying and me in search of another friend again, and it’s damn exhausting.
My doctor tries to medicate me, and I was hoping at last I’ll find something to provide me with a degree of relief, so that I don’t feel scared and paranoid having a conversation with a stranger or going to the shops. But two of the main medicines haven’t worked, so no she refuses to put me on anything else until I try another method, but I don’t think she understands that autism isn’t something I can magic away with a wand. I just want something to keep it a little calmer, not that I unmask a lot because I forget what that even feels like anymore. I didn’t realise how hard it could be to manage life without friends and family close by, but I guess I have to now.
I would love to be an author, or a songwriter. I have many book ideas centred towards horror and surrealism that I’d love to write properly, but I’ve only had one idea that I’ve got decently far before starting 30 others. Music wise I love older stuff like the Beatles, rush, Genesis, pink floyd, Motörhead, Judas Priest etc, and I used to go with my uncle to all these pub gigs with all these rockers from the 70s and it was great, apart from feeling a bit out of place in a shirt and tie. But I love old fashioned clothing from the 40s - 50s so that’s another identity crisis all in itself.
I appreciate anyone who read this. Stuff feels heavy sometimes so it’s nice to get that weight of my shoulders.
