Who wrote the social rule book?

I see exactly where you are coming from and the language "struggles with" could be more helpfully phrased as "doesn't require" or "see's no worth in". However, I don't really take it too personally. I have been masking for forty plus years so I have tried to act in this more socially "normal" way, and struggled. Now that I know I am autistic I can, to some extent, let the struggle go.

I see the dramas of people's relationships and the gossiping and the bitching behind people's backs etc and I don't understand it. It's alien to me and I couldn't imagine wanting to get involved in it. I have friends that I have known for a long time but these are more people that I have been thrown together with through circumstance and we have a shared history but I don't have expectations of them and I don't put any work into "nurturing" our relationship, something you occasionally hear of as being something it's necessary to do.

I like word puzzles and I think I am pretty good at them but someone who wasn't good at them would probably have less interest in doing them so wouldn't bother. It would therefore be true to say both that they see no value in them (which is a perfectly valid viewpoint) and that, if and when they do them, they struggle with them.

The language around ND will evolve over time and maybe it will be decided that "struggles with" is not appropriate any more but unfortunately everything non-typical will always be viewed through the prism of what is typical to a large extent and I can't see that changing any time soon.

I know you were just venting a bit so apologies if I have taken you too seriously!

McFrost said:

the language "struggles with" could be more helpfully phrased as "doesn't require" or "see's no worth in"

While this may be the case for some autists, I do see a great many posts where other autists either want to or need to engage socially so they clearly will fall into the "struggle with" camp.

I think those who are in the "see's no worth in it" camp are far fewer. Those who have suffered trauma around socialising would make up the largest part of this group based on what I have seen as they have developed a coping mechanism of avoiding the thing that caused the trauma.

I'm sure there are some autists who never developed the instinct to want to be part of a pack which is a primal survival instinct, but I have yet to meet one. When you think of it, such a person would be unlikely to reach out to an online community such as this.

Are we talking about the same thing?

I see people say they are happy to be on their own and not engage in socialising, yet have a partner and family. There is emotional support, physical contact, someone to talk to and company available. There may be one or two friends as well. For me this is not really bring on your own, this is just choosing to have a small circle.

Then we have people who live on their own, don't have a partner or close family, no physical contact such as a hug or holding hands, have holidays on their own, if they work are fairly isolated, and also don't socialise. This is being on your own. Just you against the world. This requires a different level of toughness and has more challenges. They may also have emotional challenges due to lack of opportunity and practice in expressing them.

I am in the second bucket. Being alone means not speaking for days. While I might have been an explorer finding new things, In a land of sabre tooth tigers I'd have been eaten. This would not have been a good strategy which is why I think a lot of this is evolutionarily quite recent.

I think few really want to be alone all the time. The desire is for a mixture of space and company, which is normal and healthy. It is how to do it that is the challenge.

I have been isolated once and developed some of the conditions people have in solitary confinement. No matter how much you want to have some quiet time, I am not sure your brain can actually take total isolation, autistic or not.

Stuart333 said:

I see people say they are happy to be on their own and not engage in socialising, yet have a partner and family.

These people have found their own social group then and are getting the "need" satisfied from those few people around them.

I see plenty of people posting on here who have a few people around them who they cannot get along with (often family who are not overly accepting) and are craving finding that group, however large or small, who will give them that connection.

Stuart333 said:

I am not sure your brain can actually take total isolation, autistic or not.

I agree - this is why solitary confinement is such an effective punishment in prisons.

I could have written that word for word! Trouble is, my wife comes from a family that does like an open door, people popping in and out etc. It does occasionally happen at our house and it never fails to annoy the hell out of me. Her brother just wandered in unannounced the other day and it was all I could do to stop myself asking him who the f**k he thinks he is! Like you I have no interest in making new friends or spending much time with other people. I would use alcohol to get through stuff like that in the past but I am trying to reduce that and live a calmer life.

I could have written that word for word! Trouble is, my wife comes from a family that does like an open door, people popping in and out etc. It does occasionally happen at our house and it never fails to annoy the hell out of me. Her brother just wandered in unannounced the other day and it was all I could do to stop myself asking him who the f**k he thinks he is! Like you I have no interest in making new friends or spending much time with other people. I would use alcohol to get through stuff like that in the past but I am trying to reduce that and live a calmer life.