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Who wrote the social rule book?

Autismman

There’s a lot about autism or the definition of it that I just struggle to agree with. In order to judge something you must compare it to something else, that something else you may hold at a more absolute standard or shall I say society does. So the bigger picture is that the most highly educated people on the planet, the scientists, the doctors, the psychiatrists have all come together to agree on what is considered “normal” social behaviour. They have applied these rules and expectations to the rest of us. I write this because in reports namely mine it says “struggles to maintain and keep relationships” in order to struggle you must first seek them out which I do not so the applied logic here is that there is something missing within myself but the reality is it is just my personal choice, you do what feels right for you at the end of the day. Do neurotypical individuals ideally want to be popular or at the very least have a room full of friends? I think I have a strong aversion to other peoples expectations of me and what I “should” being doing. Isn’t it just that humanity has found a model that for the most part works and is going with it blindly. Perhaps my diagnosis is exactly why I struggle to understand these things, I have to question the workings of things too, if I don’t agree or understand them well they may as well be myths)

(Just a dump of what was on my mind, thanks for reading)

Parents

  • I see exactly where you are coming from and the language "struggles with" could be more helpfully phrased as "doesn't require" or "see's no worth in". However, I don't really take it too personally. I have been masking for forty plus years so I have tried to act in this more socially "normal" way, and struggled. Now that I know I am autistic I can, to some extent, let the struggle go.

    I see the dramas of people's relationships and the gossiping and the bitching behind people's backs etc and I don't understand it. It's alien to me and I couldn't imagine wanting to get involved in it. I have friends that I have known for a long time but these are more people that I have been thrown together with through circumstance and we have a shared history but I don't have expectations of them and I don't put any work into "nurturing" our relationship, something you occasionally hear of as being something it's necessary to do.

    I like word puzzles and I think I am pretty good at them but someone who wasn't good at them would probably have less interest in doing them so wouldn't bother. It would therefore be true to say both that they see no value in them (which is a perfectly valid viewpoint) and that, if and when they do them, they struggle with them.

    The language around ND will evolve over time and maybe it will be decided that "struggles with" is not appropriate any more but unfortunately everything non-typical will always be viewed through the prism of what is typical to a large extent and I can't see that changing any time soon.

    I know you were just venting a bit so apologies if I have taken you too seriously!

  • in reply to McFrost
    McFrost said:
    the language "struggles with" could be more helpfully phrased as "doesn't require" or "see's no worth in"

    While this may be the case for some autists, I do see a great many posts where other autists either want to or need to engage socially so they clearly will fall into the "struggle with" camp.

    I think those who are in the "see's no worth in it" camp are far fewer. Those who have suffered trauma around socialising would make up the largest part of this group based on what I have seen as they have developed a coping mechanism of avoiding the thing that caused the trauma.

    I'm sure there are some autists who never developed the instinct to want to be part of a pack which is a primal survival instinct, but I have yet to meet one. When you think of it, such a person would be unlikely to reach out to an online community such as this.

  • in reply to Iain

    Are we talking about the same thing?

    I see people say they are happy to be on their own and not engage in socialising, yet have a partner and family. There is emotional support, physical contact, someone to talk to and company available. There may be one or two friends as well. For me this is not really bring on your own, this is just choosing to have a small circle.

    Then we have people who live on their own, don't have a partner or close family, no physical contact such as a hug or holding hands, have holidays on their own, if they work are fairly isolated, and also don't socialise. This is being on your own. Just you against the world. This requires a different level of toughness and has more challenges. They may also have emotional challenges due to lack of opportunity and practice in expressing them.

    I am in the second bucket. Being alone means not speaking for days. While I might have been an explorer finding new things, In a land of sabre tooth tigers I'd have been eaten. This would not have been a good strategy which is why I think a lot of this is evolutionarily quite recent.

    I think few really want to be alone all the time. The desire is for a mixture of space and company, which is normal and healthy. It is how to do it that is the challenge.

    I have been isolated once and developed some of the conditions people have in solitary confinement. No matter how much you want to have some quiet time, I am not sure your brain can actually take total isolation, autistic or not.

  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    I see people say they are happy to be on their own and not engage in socialising, yet have a partner and family.

    These people have found their own social group then and are getting the "need" satisfied from those few people around them.

    I see plenty of people posting on here who have a few people around them who they cannot get along with (often family who are not overly accepting) and are craving finding that group, however large or small, who will give them that connection.

    Stuart333 said:
    I am not sure your brain can actually take total isolation, autistic or not.

    I agree - this is why solitary confinement is such an effective punishment in prisons.

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  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    I see people say they are happy to be on their own and not engage in socialising, yet have a partner and family.

    These people have found their own social group then and are getting the "need" satisfied from those few people around them.

    I see plenty of people posting on here who have a few people around them who they cannot get along with (often family who are not overly accepting) and are craving finding that group, however large or small, who will give them that connection.

    Stuart333 said:
    I am not sure your brain can actually take total isolation, autistic or not.

    I agree - this is why solitary confinement is such an effective punishment in prisons.

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