Sorry in advance if this doesn't make sense as at times, I am not good at explaining stuff.
I currently work full time (36 hours) as a receptionist for a local council and have been at my job for nearly 2 years. I left my part time job as an admin assistant mainly because of poor management, low pay and lack of progression. I don't want to go into detail but there were too many dodgy practices and my ex-managers stressed me out to the point where I was depressed which just piled on (as during this time I had to deal with bereavement). Lately, I have felt so tired that the energy just drains out of me very fast. The monotony of office work has been doing my head in and as of now I have had almost a week off sick because I feel faint and also because I just feel so low to the point where I cannot concentrate. I feel like a failure because I am not functioning the way I am supposed to and it is making me upset to the point where I feel I am disappointing people around me.
I have held down jobs for 5 years now - it isn't to say I don't want work, my problem is I am in a job where I just feel caged like a canary; sitting on a desk 5 days a week and having to constantly be around people - I am putting on a cheery customer service mask and I hate it because I feel like a shell of myself. I notice aswell that my 1 hrs commute also wipes me out and I feel I am near breaking point and can't continue anymore. What I would like to do is utilise my other skills in art and also life experiences with autism in a job that feels fulfilling as I've always been a creative individual. I have considered a few options:
- Becoming an art therapist who specialises in autism
- Becoming a mentor/life coach for autistic young people
- Working towards self employment and using my previous experience in recruitment so I can have a consultancy of some sort - again specialising in working with autistic people
The reason for these particular paths is because I want to use my experiences to try to support autistic people in some way especially relating to work as I feel support is heavily lacking - I am in the process of contributing to neurodiversity training and have a 25 minute Zoom call in 2 weeks to discuss if a neurodiversity course is right for me as I have been researching courses to study. My degree is art based but I feel like I can't get jobs in the field as unfortunately they don't pay well and that is why I force myself to stick it out in admin because that is about 70% of my work history. The only way I can potentially tolerate admin is if I can work somewhere which gives me more time off like in a school or work from home a few days a week - to note I am also looking for another job now and have submitted a few applications so waiting to see if I get any interviews. I have had 2 interviews before but didn't get the roles (one was a humiliating group interview and I was never told in advance this was the type of interview).
I feel depressed aswell and sometimes question if I can get out of this rut. I have the motivation to do it but sometimes the self doubt comes in and I feel I will be stuck in admin jobs forever. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way about work but honestly I am so done. I just feel done. I am actually crying as I write because this is how I feel.
