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Looking for help to understand after long term relationship with autistic man affected my son and myself very badly, as we didn’t know he was on the spectrum or understood it and we just want some peace and clarity

Girlypop87

I’m leaving the area and moving away after years of turmoil with ex and wanted to write a goodbye letter to him because of how deeply I cared for him and everything we went through. He’s always denied being on the spectrum but his behaviour isn’t normal and all of his friends and even his brother note he definitely is whether diagnosed or not. He will pursue me after each time we break up over a minor conflict or dispute or the pillows aren’t comfy enough or he is too tired and drunk to engage and his reaction would be to start screaming at top of his voice pulling his hair then run down to the canal in the middle of the night or drink drive off in his car followed by days of silent treatment from him 

being an alcoholic doesn’t help him either

he’s even called cops before and made up false allegations to try to get me arrested and later confessing he just had to get me out of the house or else he would have hit me, as I was complaining about what to have for supper, and he was particularly wasted 

more calling them saying that I’m controlling and coercing him when I try to pull him away from his car when he’s about to drive off drunk

The First time I didn’t speak to him for about 9 months and he stalked me turning up trying to speak to me or just sitting looking at me with my new chap, looking confused in the local which is miles from his and nobody likes him in there, and having to pay to get back and forth every other day or long walk when he doesn’t have much money

since he walked out of his stable job because he felt his colleagues bullied him 

he regularly lies about what he is doing for work and exaggerates successful careers he has had and does now or is about to

most of which he doesn’t complete or doesn’t have the capability to 

he does the gait where he doesn’t swing his arms and avoids eye contact and can’t tackle a football off my little boy 

so has a bad reputation for being a werid, angry, dramatic, pathetic lying idiot locally as everyone has witnessed this with us being well known because he was dj in the little local pub and I am bartender and we had a near fatal car crash that was all over published where he drove drunk into a brick wall at 60mph and I had to learn to walk again 

because he was overstimulated I’m presuming now, he’s admitted I was nagging him as he was driving, he had someone try to start a fight with him earlier for no reason too and was about to get evicted from his flat 

I’ve been sworn by my friends not to respond or speak to him ever again as usually when he eventually gets chance to speak to me alone he tells me he wants me to be his wife and that he is heartbroken every time I would listen to other people and not him

But deep down I feel sorry for the guy and just don’t know how to deal with him or approach him and all along we felt he was just being evil and abusive and sneaky but after hearing about autistic meltdowns and then the silence they do after I suddenly feel really bad for my goodbye message where I basically compared him to a serial killer 

I don’t know if I’ve been too harsh and the guy genuinely suffers and has a heart 

he denies having Asperger’s or whatever but it’s just so obvious

he will sit and watch planes fly and track them on an app getting extremely exited about this and also flavours of crisps and ford mondeos

the guys quite funny without meaning to be, he’s unaware why people are amused especially his blank expressions and how he seems to flinch at his own shadow 

it’s hard to stay mad at him but he can be so nasty in his meltdowns 

does it sound like autistic spectrum behaviour? I just don’t understand how someone who fits that would be a DJ or even want to be in a pub every day full of people but he does tend to some days be sociable and others sit alone ignoring people he previously was polite and friendly to, and says he feels safe in his dj box

Not really sure how to handle the goodbye because I’ve dealt with it as if he’s intentional and evil which I thought was the case until I’ve read some info about autism and the last 6 years have made sense and it’s heart breaking and just can’t really relate to how he feels 

all just seems unnecessary as I felt connected to him with my soul 

thanks x

  • What  posted is same advice I would be comfortable with giving in the circumstances too.  Life looks different looking backwards than it does forwards and sometimes interpreting the past can be right hard work.   I wish you and yours all the best for the future.

  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you for your reply I think they’re all different

    my sons dad has been diagnosed with Asperger’s and he would make up bizzare lies as if he was a compulsive liar and manipulate people all the time and obsess and stalk me when he was younger not so much these days thankfully 

    you sound nice though you carry on being like that don’t matter what people think Martin 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Right so he’s rocked up last night and asked to speak to me in front of everyone who he doesn’t seem aware is close to swinging for him
    looking dazed and asked me to go outside to talk in a nervous tone

    hes said that he felt very small when we were togetehr compared to my wealthy friends who always took me out helped me bought me things and he couldn’t afford and he feels he couldn’t be with me as he couldn’t afford me and I didn’t love him

    he accepted that he wasn’t loved but he loved me (he was loved he just didn’t believe it) and tried his best to provide what he could for me and my son on a practical level as he doesn’t be romantic

    but nothing he did ever impressed us and he’s right because my sons fathers very wealthy too and we saw it as lack of effort as he tried to big himself up to be earning more than he actually did 

    this made me sad for him

    he just wanted a hug and then felt dizzy and had interpreted what was going on the day he called the police in a different way to what it was out of confusion and paranoia 

    The links you sent me described him 100% with the traits

    he even speaks slowly he stopped speaking when he was a child and had speech therapy to relearn to speak again 

    he would have meltdown after we been out all evening and everyone use to try to talk over him and chat to me and ignore him because he doesn’t make much effort to speak in a conversation 

    We saw it as ignorant and rude and lazy and disinterested 

    he said he felt invisible and that’s why would blow up when got home in safe space

    he waves his hands around screaming repeated words at me like leave me alone over and over in an unnatural way for ages and ages then will run away down the street

    i thought it was a nasty game of schizophrenia 

    he was once shaking on his office floor at work because he was overwhelmed by stuff going on etc

    this has Been helpful 

    I feel guilty that I’ve been so harsh and cold to him now x

  • In my opinion being autistic isn't a convenient hook that having addiction, personality or mental health issues can be hung on. Even if he were autistic, and it is impossible to diagnose someone here, it would not explain or excuse all his actions.

    I am a diagnosed autistic, I don't drink and drive, I have never stalked anyone and the idea of being a DJ is unthinkable. Plus, autistic people in general make very bad liars, are often painfully honest and are generally incapable of deliberately manipulating people.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you so much I’ll have a read x

  • Girlypop87 said:
    does it sound like autistic spectrum behaviour?

    I’m very sorry to hear of your traumatic experiences.

    We’re not allowed to offer medical advice here, and I personally feel that any reply that tries to dissect and categorise or analyse the various behaviours that you’ve described above could easily end up falling into that category.

    In that context, the best advice that I feel comfortable offering is that you might find it helpful to compare your detailed knowledge of him with the signs, traits, and behaviours that are outlined in these articles:

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

    NAS - What is autism

    NAS - Meltdowns

    You might also find it helpful to buy or borrow this book, which is intended to help couples in which one partner is autistic to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication.

    I appreciate that you’re parting ways with him, but it might still be helpful - in respect of your current goal - to read about the types of relationship issues that can often arise in such relationships, to see whether they are similar to what you’ve experienced:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas under current manuals it’s now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    I wish you all the best. x