Conflicts and emotional regulation.

I work in this company for a bit more than a year. I’m the manager’s assistant. We have 4 other colleagues. My tasks are often office stuff but not only I’m also active in the warehouse and backyard area. There is one colleague with ADHD and borderline. At the beginning he was ok to me, but I noticed him treating other guy bad. I noticed and noted. Observed. Over time his behavior got worse. The other colleague became aggressive because of stress that the adhd colleague gave him. It also affected me, because as a trafficking and extreme violence  survivor I get stressed when someone behaves aggressively. Other people from the company started complaining about these two roaring like lions at each other. And here was my move. I told my manager, how the adhd guy behaves, especially when the manager is not here. He disrespects everyone, including me. The boss got involved, the problematic guy had a conversation with the boss. And it got even worse. His girlfriend (also working in the company) is madly in love with him and comes everyday. And she is his queen on a pedestal. Whatever happens, doesn’t matter. She comes and everyone must make space for them and their privacy. I spoke against such behavior. He is not a boss there and the office is not his private office to kick me out of there when I have work to do. He is the first one to give others lectures about how we are disorganised etc, but he himself is a total opposition of what he “preaches”. I feel helpless and actually start regretting the fact that I already have an unlimited contract in this company. My natural reaction to violence is a shut down. Which is being misred and misunderstood for being passive aggressive, offended or ignoring. I told that guy what I had to - that I have a job to do and it’s not ok to kick me out of office and why should I even leave. I told him that because of that I lost the data I worked on the whole hour. He laughed. This conversation costed me a lot, I had my heartbeat very fast and it took me a while to calm down. I have no idea how do I deal with it. I would like to just have a peace and do my job. At the beginning he tried to be too close. I set my boundary and I was polite but direct. After some time he lashed out. I understand, that he has diagnoses but I also think that in some situations he abuses them to justify his nasty behavior. He knows that I’m sensitive to noise and purposely slams doors, closets etc. to make me suffer. I have my earplugs but can’t wear them all the time. 
I’m sorry for long post. I’m scared of what else he may do to make my life miserable, or to put me in trouble. the other colleagues value me for how I work, but I’m not so sure if I can feel safe there. 

Parents
  • Firstly, going to say right out, sorry you are going through this.

    You've said you've spoken to the manager, but not if things have gotten better or worse (from your tone, I'm guessing worse, but I'm not sure). Is it possible to speak to your HR Department? They may not be much more use, but 1. It's doing something about the situation which I know makes me feel better (nothing worse than feeling like you're hitting your head against a brick wall) and 2. It gets the issues documented. Again, nothing may come of documentation, but it gives you more power if you do have to leave. if you don't have a HR department, is it worth approaching either Citizens Advise (https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/negotiating-with-your-employer/dealing-with-a-problem-at-work/) or Acas (https://www.acas.org.uk/conflict-and-resolution)? Again they may not be able to offer any direct/immediate help, but may be able to offer some support and guidance. 

  • Thank you for your answer. I’m cautious about going to boss. I don’t really want him get fired. If the boss knew all this, that would probably happen. And yes, it is worse. I’m not sure if I get any support from the other bullied guy. I think he likes me, but it’s hard to say how much I can trust anyone. 

  • You can be nice, understanding and helpful only up to a point.

    You also have to think of yourself.

    Why should you be miserable or have to leave because you are worried about his job. You have tried to be reasonable. It is not selfish to protect yourself or others.

    His actions will just disrupt the team and affect output.

    You should speak to the boss. Make sure you keep it factual with examples. Good luck.

Reply
  • You can be nice, understanding and helpful only up to a point.

    You also have to think of yourself.

    Why should you be miserable or have to leave because you are worried about his job. You have tried to be reasonable. It is not selfish to protect yourself or others.

    His actions will just disrupt the team and affect output.

    You should speak to the boss. Make sure you keep it factual with examples. Good luck.

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