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Conflicts and emotional regulation.

Alien0n3arth

I work in this company for a bit more than a year. I’m the manager’s assistant. We have 4 other colleagues. My tasks are often office stuff but not only I’m also active in the warehouse and backyard area. There is one colleague with ADHD and borderline. At the beginning he was ok to me, but I noticed him treating other guy bad. I noticed and noted. Observed. Over time his behavior got worse. The other colleague became aggressive because of stress that the adhd colleague gave him. It also affected me, because as a trafficking and extreme violence  survivor I get stressed when someone behaves aggressively. Other people from the company started complaining about these two roaring like lions at each other. And here was my move. I told my manager, how the adhd guy behaves, especially when the manager is not here. He disrespects everyone, including me. The boss got involved, the problematic guy had a conversation with the boss. And it got even worse. His girlfriend (also working in the company) is madly in love with him and comes everyday. And she is his queen on a pedestal. Whatever happens, doesn’t matter. She comes and everyone must make space for them and their privacy. I spoke against such behavior. He is not a boss there and the office is not his private office to kick me out of there when I have work to do. He is the first one to give others lectures about how we are disorganised etc, but he himself is a total opposition of what he “preaches”. I feel helpless and actually start regretting the fact that I already have an unlimited contract in this company. My natural reaction to violence is a shut down. Which is being misred and misunderstood for being passive aggressive, offended or ignoring. I told that guy what I had to - that I have a job to do and it’s not ok to kick me out of office and why should I even leave. I told him that because of that I lost the data I worked on the whole hour. He laughed. This conversation costed me a lot, I had my heartbeat very fast and it took me a while to calm down. I have no idea how do I deal with it. I would like to just have a peace and do my job. At the beginning he tried to be too close. I set my boundary and I was polite but direct. After some time he lashed out. I understand, that he has diagnoses but I also think that in some situations he abuses them to justify his nasty behavior. He knows that I’m sensitive to noise and purposely slams doors, closets etc. to make me suffer. I have my earplugs but can’t wear them all the time. 
I’m sorry for long post. I’m scared of what else he may do to make my life miserable, or to put me in trouble. the other colleagues value me for how I work, but I’m not so sure if I can feel safe there. 

  • I am sorry you are going through that and it is not acceptable for anybody to work in such a toxic environment.

    I agree with Take5 that it would be important to keep a written record, including dates and times, of the bad behaviour. It certainly looks like bullying to me, especially given that he laughed when you informed him that an hours work worth of data was lost. 

    Would you consider contacting somebody independent who is knowledgeable about employment law? You may have legal rights over your work conditions, and even if you don’t want, or understandably, don’t feel able to take further constructive steps to address your work environment, knowledge of your rights can be empowering. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    But the boss is having a good experience with you, so it's 50/50, nobody knows who will fit into a workplace, who's going to act up and not do any work, NT's can and are just as bad as ND's. I think there are many more people like you who just want to get on in peace and earn a wage than like your collegue, who seems to want all th power and none of the responsitbilty.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Yes, I think that such behaviour hurts those of us, who don't abuse diagnoses, just want live and work peacefully. Because a boss that already had bad experience with someone who has ND condition, ismore likely to refuse hiring someone else with ND condition.

  • I think he needs a final written warning from the manager, if he's not doing his work and is preventing others from doing theirs and is being physically intimidating then he needs seriiously hauling up and sacking, just because he has a ND condition doesn't mean he should get away with terrible behaviour, there are plenty others who could do his job and would love the chance.

  • I’m sorry you’re going through this. Work is hard enough without having things like this to have to deal with as well. I think you did the right thing, standing up to him. We all have our problems but it’s not an excuse to treat others badly. I hope this situation gets resolved quickly. I think you should definitely tell the boss but maybe express you don’t want him fired, just that you want the bullying to stop.

    It’s not fair that you are treated this way. You deserve to be happy in work and treated well by those around you.

    I hope things improve. Keep being positive and well done for standing up for yourself.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    I'm sorry you are going through this and I agree with Stuart. You deserve to work in an environment where you feel safe. Please do report it all. Take care of yourself.

  • I think you have done the right thing by reporting him. That constitutes as bullying in my eyes and should not be allowed. I think you have a lot of courage to approach your manager and inform them of what is happening, they need to know. 

    I would suggest if it doesn’t cause you further anxiety to try and record his behaviour just so you have the information should you need it. 
    It sounds like you have already done that so far. 

    Some people just like to hurt others but it’s a shame that it is affecting your work life. 

    I hope things are resolved soon 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    You can be nice, understanding and helpful only up to a point.

    You also have to think of yourself.

    Why should you be miserable or have to leave because you are worried about his job. You have tried to be reasonable. It is not selfish to protect yourself or others.

    His actions will just disrupt the team and affect output.

    You should speak to the boss. Make sure you keep it factual with examples. Good luck.

  • in reply to thecat13145

    Thank you for your answer. I’m cautious about going to boss. I don’t really want him get fired. If the boss knew all this, that would probably happen. And yes, it is worse. I’m not sure if I get any support from the other bullied guy. I think he likes me, but it’s hard to say how much I can trust anyone. 

  • in reply to Autismman

    The problematic guy does not accept any criticism. And I think I’m fair - when he introduces some idea, and I find it helpful, I tell him that it’s really a good idea. I also tell him that he has a good experience. But I’m not gonna sit quiet when something is wrong. Looks like I’m the first one to speak up. Others try to ignore it and he pushes the boundaries and everyone explains him that he has diagnosis. Should ND diagnoses be misused to justify bad behaviour… I think not 

  • Must have taken a lot of bravery for you to come forward and explain your experience of work to your manager. You have a strong moral compass which is rare in this world, I think you did the right thing in confronting the issue. At the end of the day the other person has their issues which is their deal and not your problem. I hope the person getting bullied is ok too, perhaps speak with them, gain more common ground, safety in numbers etc 

  • Firstly, going to say right out, sorry you are going through this.

    You've said you've spoken to the manager, but not if things have gotten better or worse (from your tone, I'm guessing worse, but I'm not sure). Is it possible to speak to your HR Department? They may not be much more use, but 1. It's doing something about the situation which I know makes me feel better (nothing worse than feeling like you're hitting your head against a brick wall) and 2. It gets the issues documented. Again, nothing may come of documentation, but it gives you more power if you do have to leave. if you don't have a HR department, is it worth approaching either Citizens Advise (https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/negotiating-with-your-employer/dealing-with-a-problem-at-work/) or Acas (https://www.acas.org.uk/conflict-and-resolution)? Again they may not be able to offer any direct/immediate help, but may be able to offer some support and guidance.