I made a promise that I feel I just can't break

Morning to you, Pheonix7.

Welcome to our community.

I wondered if you knew about the National Autistic Society "My Health Passport"?

I mention it; as I have found it a way of feeling a bit less "on my own" when dealing with healthcare professionals - particularly, if I don't have someone attending a medical appointment with me.

You can note down any of your medications, ongoing health conditions and things you might find helpful or difficult, your requested reasonable adjustments too - so that the medical team can know more about helping you - without you having to keep explaining yourself each time (which can be of assistance if you are feeling anxious, stressed, depressed, or experiencing discomfort):

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/my-health-passport

I think it is a good idea that you are starting to get to know our community here. 

Please don't worry about potentially offending us here - as we have, between us all, because we are all different ages, a lot of different experiences of life (before, during and beyond assessment / Autism confirmation). 

It can seem like a lot of news to take in, all at the same time.  Please don't worry about that either - you can definitely work through everything at your own pace - when you are ready - to suit yourself and what you experience in your life.  

Families and communities can be rather odd in their behaviour and in the things that they say when they are adjusting to important news about someone they know. 

I am sorry you experienced that - and I am sure many of us here are likely to have had some experienced a bit like yours too (we do understand how that can sometimes make us feel, we know each person is different, but we can imagine the situation as well).

Sometimes, hearing that someone has had their Autism confirmed can be a bit like that too.  It can seem bhg news to people and they don't all react to it the way we might have hoped.  People can shock, or surprise, us a bit with their behaviour or by things they say.

It can feel like they haven't worked out how to update their thinking.  That is not for you to worry about either (it is for them to think about some more and work upon themselves).

Your energy actually needs to serve you best - by paying attention to yourself - as you think, learn and feel more about your own Autism news.

Sometimes, when we are younger, we may say things to relatives which are promises to loved ones - to either help them feel better, or, they are perhaps really another way that we have said to a loved person: "I love you".  

I have thought about what you described to us and I believe your promise those years ago to your mum was a comfort to her (at a difficult time in both your lives) - that she should definitely know that you do love her. 

She will know, today, that is true - you love her. 

Even when people are ill and find it difficult to speak with us - they still can feel how we are towards them in our thoughts and how we act around them to let them know our feelings - including without use of spoken words.

Even in confusing times, when it might be difficult for them to show us or say to us how they feel - they can still be comforted by trusting that we care about them.

When someone we love eventually does go to heaven, we continue to think about them, learn to love them in a new way and we still talk about them - as they have been an important part of our earlier lives - and they continue to be so once those relatives have gone to heaven as we continue living our own lives.

We find ways to live the new version of our own lives, still holding our loved one in our thoughts and feelings, as we continue living our own lives - as they had helped us to learn how to do so.

I am pretty sure that; every mum, from every country in the world, from every time - now and in history, has shared this ambition as the number one thing on their list of important things to achieve:

- mums all try their very best: to help their children to live the best version of their own life (both when they are there to share in it too, plus, continuing forwards - by us still using the experiences a mum was able to share with us before - even once a mum has gone to heaven by themselves).

Mums, everywhere, like to think that they have well prepared their children for life, to be healthy and to be happy. 

Those achievements are a common point of love and respect across all communities and cultures.

I believe an important way to show our love for relatives who have gone to heaven - is to find our own new ways to live out own lives afterwards - building upon the foundation and skills of what, in their own love, those relatives had shown us how to do in our earlier years.

Now that you know a little bit more about your Autism and what it means for you personally, (we here will likely be a mix of Autism similarities and Autism differences), you have the opportunity to build some more life knowledge into your own life story moving forwards. 

Your new Autism knowledge can help you to add to, and build upon, and further use: the skills and knowledge your mum loved to show you how to live life well.

When my Autism was confirmed; I felt it was a chance to make a promise (a bit like that) but to myself: for me to learn about my Autism and apply that understanding to finding the ways to better live a life more suited to my revised understanding of myself. 

I am Autistic and I find that I continue to learn more ways to adapt towards that goal. 

I may not have my loved ones available to me on my life's revised journey - but that shouldn't put me off building upon what they loved to show me how to do when I was young - and then my putting that combination into practice.  OK, I might not get it right first time - it is fine - I can amend things and try an improvement again another time.  (I make the rules).

I wish the same for you too in your life moving forwards (I would think it likely that your mum, like most mums around the globe, would approve of that too). 

Best wishes.

p.s. it is OK, for each of us, to ask for help when we need it ("shame" has absolutely no place in it - when people need help - help being shared is all that counts - and good people in each of our communities know that is true - it doesn't matter who helps us - it doesn't have to be a relative - it only matters that everyone helps each other to the best of their capability).

I loved every word of that, I don't know about the passport thing, I never heard of that, unfortunately I don't live in the UK but I'd love to live there, I went to school in London when I was 10 anI really enjoyed it, we moved back home to Ireland and I don't think it was a great move, I've never been back to London as an adult, I'd love to visit my old school, I don't remember the teachers okids now, I really hope life turned out really well for each and everyone of them, I'd love to live there but I'm afraid I might not receive the medical help I need because I'm Irish unfortunately, m saving up to go on holiday at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, maybe my consultant might know, he wants me to move away anyway because of the environment I'm in, he thinks if I move might have different views on life, I often fantasize about having someone to say please don't go because I love you, I thought I had that person and I said them words but I was left alone anyway, m sorry for sharing sad and negative stories, hopefully someday really soon I might get to say I'm really looking forward to the future  mind yourself and thank you 

I loved every word of that, I don't know about the passport thing, I never heard of that, unfortunately I don't live in the UK but I'd love to live there, I went to school in London when I was 10 anI really enjoyed it, we moved back home to Ireland and I don't think it was a great move, I've never been back to London as an adult, I'd love to visit my old school, I don't remember the teachers okids now, I really hope life turned out really well for each and everyone of them, I'd love to live there but I'm afraid I might not receive the medical help I need because I'm Irish unfortunately, m saving up to go on holiday at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, maybe my consultant might know, he wants me to move away anyway because of the environment I'm in, he thinks if I move might have different views on life, I often fantasize about having someone to say please don't go because I love you, I thought I had that person and I said them words but I was left alone anyway, m sorry for sharing sad and negative stories, hopefully someday really soon I might get to say I'm really looking forward to the future  mind yourself and thank you