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I made a promise that I feel I just can't break

Pheonix7

When I was 7 years old I made a promise to my mum that when she goes to heaven I'll go too, many years have passed and I have to admit they are days when I'm terrified because my mum has Alzheimer's now and then they are days when I feel ok because my problems that I face in life and the absolute chaos that goes on in my head will be over, I was diagnosed with autism a few weeks ago and at first I thought it was good because it helped me understand certain things that I previously couldn't, I announced my diagnosis because in truth I thought that the people who threaten me as they pass by in their cars might stop when they know why I'm me, I still don't know why I'm me but I don't like it because some members of my family said that I should be ashamed of myself and I can't see my nieces and nephews because I brought shame on them, these are the days I want to leave because it's killing me anyway, I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm really sorry if anything on this has offended you, I'm sorry 

Parents

  • Don't be sorry.

    I'm pleased your diagnosis helps you to understand yourself.

    I'm not sure it will change other people's behaviour much though, unfortunately.

    Do she ask you to make the promise, or was it your idea? Also do you think she wants you to have to go at the same time? Maybe it will be ok to join her a bit later.

    Is it possible you could forgive your younger self for not fully thinking it through? You are not an expert at 7. You were small and s ared of being left alone.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I promised her when my grandad passed away and she was crying so I just made that promise, I feel if I break it now it will show that I don't actually love her and I do, don't get me wrong they are times I wish I didn't make it and they are times I'm glad I did, my head's all over the place really, hopefully there is still a lot of time left for both of us 

  • in reply to Pheonix7

    Tell her that you love her now. And ask if she remembers the promise. I bet she doesn't. Ask if you can join her later.

Reply Children
  • in reply to Pheonix7

    You're not annoying anyone and there is nothing to  be sorry about 

    I do think you should talk to a professional about this topic and your fears.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Something happened recently and I reminded her that she doesn't need to fear death because I'll be with her all the way and she just smiled at me, please forgive me for sounding like a lost cause even though I am, I just can't sit down and talk to anyone about it, believe me they're certain people that would insist I go through with it and they're others who would probably have me signed away, tonight is one of those nights where I feel terrified but tomorrow I'll probably feel ok about it again, I'll leave you alone now and hopefully I'll be back again tomorrow, not to annoy you or anyone else, I'll probably just read stuff, once again I'm really sorry, goodnight and god bless