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Self-sabotage.

Glizbeth

Heyo, I know it's been a while. Sweat smile

But has anyone had those times that they actively go against their own interests? Because I've had this happen to me on several occasions. Even in my teens. Especially when just getting a foot into the job market I have my eyes on.

And it's not because of the lack of competence since I pick out stuff quickly and actually go out of my own way to learn (if it interests me obviously). I feel it's my reluctance to accept I'm an adult and all the responsibilities that come with it. I remember "managing" (masking hard) around 18-20 but after a mental health crisis and me finding out I'm autistic and possibly ADHD, had left me reconsidering if I can do anything without feeling like a husk of myself.
I'm not sure if I mentioned or not but my previous jobs were a pain to deal with. I hated only having energy for work then eating sleeping and repeating the whole work week. Makes me miserable.

Finally had my autism report handed to me and well the resources to "help" are the same things I saw other autistics mention it's not as helpful to all people in that demographic. I genuinely feel lost, it's like I've been dealt a bad set of cards because "I don't follow neurotypical and allistic rules" and I'm not peopley enough to self myself to an interviewer or entertain those co-worker conversations. I'm only bringing this up since I didn't continue with apprenticeship application processes due to that record your responses for some bs AI to review. And I really need to get into a job soon. And I'm sure as hell aware that disclosing having autism to an employer might mess up my chances more.

Doubling back on the autism assessment, I found it a bit amusing that both my Dad and the assessor pointing out my deep interest and skills with science, tech, art and engineering. Not to yuck my own yum, a few people throughout my life have called me out on it. And Let's say I've avoided being the "smart" or "hardworking" person since it has come back to bite me. Now that I've eased off the effort off pursuing stuff, I feel hella guilty which I shouldn't be because I've literally worked/stressed myself to ill health. 
Every way I look at it, I see there's potential of me overworking myself.

Recently, I haven't been feeling like doing anything but also feel understimulated. I hate being in this stump because I have things I really want to do but just can't seem to have the executive functioning to do so and the boredom gets too much at times. Not to mention reducing my sugar intake.

I see why other neurodivergent peeps are hopeless and I don't blame them either.

I don't really have much positive things to end this post with. Sweat smile

  • I don't understand what you are trying to say.

    1. You need to get into a job but you have already decided you don't want to do the interview and you don't want to interact with other workers.
    2. You're bored/underestimulated.
    3. You don't want a job because it is too tiring.
    4. You don't want to study.
    5. You might be good at some things but you want to avoid those.
    6. You can pick up things quickly, but you don't want to.
    7. You don't want to be smart or hardworking.
    8. You don't want to complete an application form. Well, like the lottery you need to be in it to win it. The alternative is to apply directly or through someone who works there.
    9. You don't want to be an adult and have responsibilities.
    10. You're worried about overworking.

    If you don't want to be bored, you'll need to decide to do something. You feel lost because you don't want to do anything.

    I don't think you are sabotaging as much as just avoiding things because you don't want a job and are not motivated. All you have done is just not fill in an apprenticeship application it looks like. 

    Avoiding overworking is hard if you are interested in something, but you need to pace yourself and set some boundaries. You obviously also need to do the job, but you can decide how much above and beyond you go.

    If you don't want to pursue things you won't get them, or the money that goes with them. You meed some reward system to act as motivation, e.g. you are working to achieve x, not just working for something to do.

    If you can't work, then you are stuck. If you can work, then you need to find something you can do, perhaps part time. Or you need to be self employed.

    I've not self-sabotaged. I may have said or done things which didn't help me, but that was through misunderstanding or bad luck. I tried as hard as I could and harder than I should.

  • Glizbeth said:

    Recently, I haven't been feeling like doing anything but also feel understimulated. I hate being in this stump because I have things I really want to do but just can't seem to have the executive functioning to do so and the boredom gets too much at times.

    I feel like I went through something similar just a week ago. I had this period of knowing I can do this thing that I know I enjoy doing but the state I was feeling at the time completely contradicted what I knew and made it difficult to just take a step forward.

    I was left just not wanting to do anything at all, I spent hours just sitting in a chair.. doing absolutely nothing but exist.

    For me personally.. I'm not entirely sure how I got out of this 'funk' whether it subsided just enough for me to brute force myself into starting the thing I wanted to do or something else I couldn't tell you. I just managed to finally start the thing and after that the oppressive feeling I felt subsided.

    This is but one example though, as this kind of thing happens in cycles a lot with myself.

    Usually triggered by something that could be classed as a roadblock I guess, Something made what I wanted to do difficult beyond the usual which sent me into a downward spiral.

    Not entirely certain if any of this is remotely similar to what you were talking about though but thought I'd share regardless.