I wanted to share on here my observations recently. I don’t know what it is, or I do of sorts, but I feel empty. I don’t feel a connection with anything. I’m not sure how I maintained the relationships that I have. But on reflection, I realise that I gave a space always for people to speak about the things that they were interested and passionate in. And ask questions. And I’ve not really considered my own life and my own interests in conversations with people. It’s my form of masking. I then come to realise that I’m having to fabricate emotion and feelings accordingly to what I think I should be feeling. I’ve not talked passionately about something in a long time, nor have I felt it inside. My fear is that I’m actually a boring person, unless I am kept busy with work. But work is infrequent, and I’m a musician, so I mask to make sure people see that I’m functioning like a human. Which means revealing very little.
im not sure what I believe in, what I want to fight for, what I even like. And while everyone around me seems to have perspectives that are their own, and are layered with depth. The things I did like became so intense that I feel jaded by them. I’ve adjusted my conversations according to the person so much for so long that I realise the things i am connected to (music) I’m not really connected to as much as I thought I was. I don’t know who I am in myself, and what I truly believe in besides adjusting myself according to the conversation and listening to others and taking it in, and it scares me. Maybe lots of people pleasing has left me with having no direction of my own.
