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I don’t know what I believe in

aurelis

I wanted to share on here my observations recently. I don’t know what it is, or I do of sorts, but I feel empty. I don’t feel a connection with anything. I’m not sure how I maintained the relationships that I have. But on reflection, I realise that I gave a space always for people to speak about the things that they were interested and passionate in. And ask questions. And I’ve not really considered my own life and my own interests in conversations with people. It’s my form of masking. I then come to realise that I’m having to fabricate emotion and feelings accordingly to what I think I should be feeling. I’ve not talked passionately about something in a long time, nor have I felt it inside. My fear is that I’m actually a boring person, unless I am kept busy with work. But work is infrequent, and I’m a musician, so I mask to make sure people see that I’m functioning like a human. Which means revealing very little. 

im not sure what I believe in, what I want to fight for, what I even like. And while everyone around me seems to have perspectives that are their own, and are layered with depth. The things I did like became so intense that I feel jaded by them. I’ve adjusted my conversations according to the person so much for so long that I realise the things i am connected to (music) I’m not really connected to as much as I thought I was. I don’t know who I am in myself, and what I truly believe in besides adjusting myself according to the conversation and listening to others and taking it in, and it scares me. Maybe lots of people pleasing has left me with having no direction of my own.

Parents

  • The main way to have opinions of your own is to do the thing, e.g. to know what swimming or skydiving is like and talk about them you have to try them. To know about football you need to watch lots of it.

    For some things it is possible to become knowledgeable by reading a lot, but you need varied reading to get a balanced view

    However, note that on most subjects most people in a bar are repeating what they saw on TV or Facebook, what their friend told them, or what they saw in a newspaper. They don't have much depth to their opinions and struggle if you really press them or want to have a detailed discussion.

    Try to do more things. You have to push yourself else you become stagnant, like me. I have to go do more things again.

    Try to consider what you think about stuff, not just what other people think.

    It is not always easy to know what you like unless you try stuff. But of course that means doing new stuff which is scary, but also rewarding if you can screw up your courage. This stops you feeling empty.

    Be aware you need to share stuff about yourself with other people, not just talk about them, else they don't know anything about you, they will only be acquaintances. This is something I have realised recently I have been poor at.

Reply

  • The main way to have opinions of your own is to do the thing, e.g. to know what swimming or skydiving is like and talk about them you have to try them. To know about football you need to watch lots of it.

    For some things it is possible to become knowledgeable by reading a lot, but you need varied reading to get a balanced view

    However, note that on most subjects most people in a bar are repeating what they saw on TV or Facebook, what their friend told them, or what they saw in a newspaper. They don't have much depth to their opinions and struggle if you really press them or want to have a detailed discussion.

    Try to do more things. You have to push yourself else you become stagnant, like me. I have to go do more things again.

    Try to consider what you think about stuff, not just what other people think.

    It is not always easy to know what you like unless you try stuff. But of course that means doing new stuff which is scary, but also rewarding if you can screw up your courage. This stops you feeling empty.

    Be aware you need to share stuff about yourself with other people, not just talk about them, else they don't know anything about you, they will only be acquaintances. This is something I have realised recently I have been poor at.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    on most subjects most people in a bar are repeating what they saw on TV or Facebook, what their friend told them, or what they saw in a newspaper. They don't have much depth to their opinions and struggle if you really press them or want to have a detailed discussion.

    It is worth noting that pressing people or trying to make them have a detailed discussion will often come across as you being hostile, highlighting their shallowness and trying to prove you are better than them.

    This is likely to be a NT response to your approach and will probably lead to you being marginalised or possibly a confrontation.

    It is a mistake I've made too many times in the past.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I hear that. This year I have been pretty stagnant, but it was also because I was trying to push and push myself so that I could understand and be a part of as much things as possible. With little time for reflection, and I burnt myself out. However, I also think I was masking a lot, and used to adjusting my answers to things according to what I think was required of me to answer, and therefore I felt an internal sense of betrayal. 

    The last statement is also so relatable. I want to share about myself, but I am ashamed of myself in terms of how I understand the world, and I struggle to find the words to share. It also feels very exhausting doing this too. I know I need to get over that, but I feel that the way I think seems so unnatural that sharing it I think will leave more confusion than anything