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Loosing my mind

Callie

I read today about Ongoing Relationship Trauma Syndrome and further to that Cassandra syndrome. Are these real things? 

i ask because i believe my husband of 27 years has Asperger’s. He refuses to consider it. Or seek therapy together. 
He says a therapist couldn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. And then refuses to explain what he means. 
Our relationship has been hell for us both as over the years he’s been unable to continue to disguise his lack of empathy, compassion and ability to comprehend my facial expressions, and his obsessions with his solitary hobbies, and now blames my behaviour for the extent of his. 

It’s very true I have not responded well to his emotional distance particularly at times of distress - death of my mother, my current illness and things like that. I don’t think my son understood until he witnessed my husbands verbal dismissal of my feelings in the hours before my mothers funeral. 

In the early days most people did not believe me when I referred to the problems he and I started to have. It’s only over a long period of seeing my mental decline and his lack of awareness of me that some family and friends have begun to realise what’s been happening between us

He is now very distant emotionally and absorbed in his hobbies. I am retired, he still works. He’s been in the same job for 45 years and now works at home. We are together virtually 24/7. He has an online life I know very little about. I am sinking into depression and aloneness. 
I’m desperate to find an answer now as to how to cope. We can’t financially or physically live separately. I can’t go on getting upset with him as it drives him further away and then he’ll punish me with silence in what’s increasingly become an already very quiet life. 

Parents

  • Perhaps you could cultivate your own interests, something that would get you out of the house a few times a week and allow you to be with other people.

    E.g. art class, cooking, volunteering, charity shop, local church, just meeting people  the coffee shop, or catch up with people online or find some new people, whatever you like.

    Some independence would help.

    If you had therapy together what is it you actually want to change? From his perspective, does he think anything is wrong? Is he overloaded or depressed?

    A person won't change without a reason.

    Does he know how you feel, or do you just go along with everything quietly?

    Maybe it would help you if you went anyway on your own just to talk to them?

     I was perhaps in a similar situation, I refused to accept I had an issue, refused to go with my partner, was depressed and/or in burnout, so any suggestion was seen as threat and I rejected it. I was not thinking fully rationally. I split up. 27 years later, after various issues, I suddenly realised, went to therapy and now I see it was all avoidable and desperately wish I could tell my younger self not to be so stubborn, I nearly did it but there were things I was too scared.to confess to. 

    The point being that it is very hard to convince someone who has closed their mind. I was so sure I was right, but regretted it pretty quickly then buried it and wasted my life.

     I am not sure what you do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Reply

  • Perhaps you could cultivate your own interests, something that would get you out of the house a few times a week and allow you to be with other people.

    E.g. art class, cooking, volunteering, charity shop, local church, just meeting people  the coffee shop, or catch up with people online or find some new people, whatever you like.

    Some independence would help.

    If you had therapy together what is it you actually want to change? From his perspective, does he think anything is wrong? Is he overloaded or depressed?

    A person won't change without a reason.

    Does he know how you feel, or do you just go along with everything quietly?

    Maybe it would help you if you went anyway on your own just to talk to them?

     I was perhaps in a similar situation, I refused to accept I had an issue, refused to go with my partner, was depressed and/or in burnout, so any suggestion was seen as threat and I rejected it. I was not thinking fully rationally. I split up. 27 years later, after various issues, I suddenly realised, went to therapy and now I see it was all avoidable and desperately wish I could tell my younger self not to be so stubborn, I nearly did it but there were things I was too scared.to confess to. 

    The point being that it is very hard to convince someone who has closed their mind. I was so sure I was right, but regretted it pretty quickly then buried it and wasted my life.

     I am not sure what you do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you so much for responding, Stuart. 
    I do all of the activities you suggest. They’re part of my life and always have been. I’m in my late sixties so have also spent a long long time working in a front facing role in the community, which does mean I’m a bit burnt out as I ran many courses in the actives you suggest. Most of my activities now can be shared. 
    Unfortunately what has always been lacking in our relationship is quality shared time together. He’s always happy to amuse himself although yes, he will accompany me if I ask. 
    I could go on but the point is that I appreciate I can’t get him to talk, or go to therapy with me so I have decided for my own mental health that I need to. I was looking for a therapist who understood Asperger’s and could talk with some knowledge to me about coping strategies. I have never like giving him instructions as to what to do around the house for example, but maybe I need to get over that for both our sakes. And maybe I need to stop asking him to initiate quality time and just carry on doing it myself? I just don’t know. 
    then I saw mention of ORTS and Cassandra syndrome and thought I’d ask if it was real as it would be something I could explain as a possible cause and gain understanding of this man I’m with who I recognise is a far more complex person than I realised or that I am tbh.