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Loosing my mind

Callie

I read today about Ongoing Relationship Trauma Syndrome and further to that Cassandra syndrome. Are these real things? 

i ask because i believe my husband of 27 years has Asperger’s. He refuses to consider it. Or seek therapy together. 
He says a therapist couldn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. And then refuses to explain what he means. 
Our relationship has been hell for us both as over the years he’s been unable to continue to disguise his lack of empathy, compassion and ability to comprehend my facial expressions, and his obsessions with his solitary hobbies, and now blames my behaviour for the extent of his. 

It’s very true I have not responded well to his emotional distance particularly at times of distress - death of my mother, my current illness and things like that. I don’t think my son understood until he witnessed my husbands verbal dismissal of my feelings in the hours before my mothers funeral. 

In the early days most people did not believe me when I referred to the problems he and I started to have. It’s only over a long period of seeing my mental decline and his lack of awareness of me that some family and friends have begun to realise what’s been happening between us

He is now very distant emotionally and absorbed in his hobbies. I am retired, he still works. He’s been in the same job for 45 years and now works at home. We are together virtually 24/7. He has an online life I know very little about. I am sinking into depression and aloneness. 
I’m desperate to find an answer now as to how to cope. We can’t financially or physically live separately. I can’t go on getting upset with him as it drives him further away and then he’ll punish me with silence in what’s increasingly become an already very quiet life. 

  • I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely in your marriage - this must be so difficult for you. Youve been married for 27 years so I’m assuming that there have been some good times, and that your husband must have some good qualities that have meant you have stayed with him all these years? It’s easy when we’ve been married a long time to start to focus on all the faults in your partner. Can you remember why you fell in love with him in the first place? It can be helpful to think about this, and to make a list of the positives about your husband. At these point he’s unlikely to drastically change. You’ve obviously been through a lot recently - and this can heighten our emotions and feeling of unhappiness. If you’re dealing with grief it’s unwise to make any dramatic decisions about your future at the moment. Take your time. 

  • Welcome to the forum. In addition to the book Bunny recommends, you might try Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) by Eva Mendes. My wife has been working through it recently and has found it very helpful in understanding me (the neurodivergent member of the family) better.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.

    You might find this book helpful; it focuses on helping couples where one of the partners is autistic to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication. It also includes various exercises that you can complete - ideally along with your husband - to help both of you to make the most of its advice:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the couple around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which person is autistic this time?" But I felt that the benefits from the book were still very worthwhile. 

    The NAS also has some related advice here:

    Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    If your husband would be open to it, you could also consider couples counselling led by a neurodivergence-experienced counsellor.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you so much for responding, Stuart. 
    I do all of the activities you suggest. They’re part of my life and always have been. I’m in my late sixties so have also spent a long long time working in a front facing role in the community, which does mean I’m a bit burnt out as I ran many courses in the actives you suggest. Most of my activities now can be shared. 
    Unfortunately what has always been lacking in our relationship is quality shared time together. He’s always happy to amuse himself although yes, he will accompany me if I ask. 
    I could go on but the point is that I appreciate I can’t get him to talk, or go to therapy with me so I have decided for my own mental health that I need to. I was looking for a therapist who understood Asperger’s and could talk with some knowledge to me about coping strategies. I have never like giving him instructions as to what to do around the house for example, but maybe I need to get over that for both our sakes. And maybe I need to stop asking him to initiate quality time and just carry on doing it myself? I just don’t know. 
    then I saw mention of ORTS and Cassandra syndrome and thought I’d ask if it was real as it would be something I could explain as a possible cause and gain understanding of this man I’m with who I recognise is a far more complex person than I realised or that I am tbh. 

  • Why are you still with this person? Obviously I don't know what your finances are, but why can't you physically live seperately? Maybe you should seek legal advice so as you know exactly what your position is? 

    I'm very wary about all these new conditions, Ongoing Relationship Trauma Syndrome, it's a catchy name and I'm sure we could all have said to have suffered from it at some point, but to me it sounds like yet another way to make money from the already vulnerable.

  • Perhaps you could cultivate your own interests, something that would get you out of the house a few times a week and allow you to be with other people.

    E.g. art class, cooking, volunteering, charity shop, local church, just meeting people  the coffee shop, or catch up with people online or find some new people, whatever you like.

    Some independence would help.

    If you had therapy together what is it you actually want to change? From his perspective, does he think anything is wrong? Is he overloaded or depressed?

    A person won't change without a reason.

    Does he know how you feel, or do you just go along with everything quietly?

    Maybe it would help you if you went anyway on your own just to talk to them?

     I was perhaps in a similar situation, I refused to accept I had an issue, refused to go with my partner, was depressed and/or in burnout, so any suggestion was seen as threat and I rejected it. I was not thinking fully rationally. I split up. 27 years later, after various issues, I suddenly realised, went to therapy and now I see it was all avoidable and desperately wish I could tell my younger self not to be so stubborn, I nearly did it but there were things I was too scared.to confess to. 

    The point being that it is very hard to convince someone who has closed their mind. I was so sure I was right, but regretted it pretty quickly then buried it and wasted my life.

     I am not sure what you do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.