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REASONING AND BEING STUCK ON PAST EVENTS

Skelly

Hi there my adult son is at uni doing his masters in Law he lives at home with the family , long time ago him and his dad had several disagreements with each other and my son rarely speaks to his dad now .My son is 22 he likes to think he can rule the house and he likes everything done when he says so he a big lad 6ft 4 some times there is just no reasoning with him and he loves nothing better than to bring up past disagreements he has had with his dad , he gets stuck on these and won't let go of the past, he also refuses to compromise  on anything and has been known to say things to other students about me abd his dad and uses it against us saying other students hate us and are disgusted by us and we are very manulipulative, how true this is in terms of what these so called other people have said about us is I don't know . I don't know how yo handle this anymore , anyone have any advice please .

Parents

  • Oh, Skelly, this is so common. We (i.e your son and me) can get stuck in a thought or belief which is not fully correct, but is right at the time we experience it. What we don't always see is what has happened to lead up to it - i.e what life experiences you and his dad has had.

    How do you handle it? I'm not sure I've worked that out with my kids yet. What I have learnt is to understand myself, try to put myself in my parents shoes and try to understand how they dealt with me. They got so much wrong, but a lot right. I had a terrible relationship with my daughter before lockdown - she refused to go to school, but once we understood why, he was so much happier. I love and respect my son so much now.

    Basically, their lives are so much harder than ours were. We might not agree or like their choices, but we should always be there for them when things don't go well.  Choose your battles well. Some things don't matter.  Some things do. ALWAYS tell them you love them, even when you don't like what they have done.  They need somewhere to retreat to, and it is better that it is you than something else you don't know.

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  • Oh, Skelly, this is so common. We (i.e your son and me) can get stuck in a thought or belief which is not fully correct, but is right at the time we experience it. What we don't always see is what has happened to lead up to it - i.e what life experiences you and his dad has had.

    How do you handle it? I'm not sure I've worked that out with my kids yet. What I have learnt is to understand myself, try to put myself in my parents shoes and try to understand how they dealt with me. They got so much wrong, but a lot right. I had a terrible relationship with my daughter before lockdown - she refused to go to school, but once we understood why, he was so much happier. I love and respect my son so much now.

    Basically, their lives are so much harder than ours were. We might not agree or like their choices, but we should always be there for them when things don't go well.  Choose your battles well. Some things don't matter.  Some things do. ALWAYS tell them you love them, even when you don't like what they have done.  They need somewhere to retreat to, and it is better that it is you than something else you don't know.

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