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REASONING AND BEING STUCK ON PAST EVENTS

Skelly

Hi there my adult son is at uni doing his masters in Law he lives at home with the family , long time ago him and his dad had several disagreements with each other and my son rarely speaks to his dad now .My son is 22 he likes to think he can rule the house and he likes everything done when he says so he a big lad 6ft 4 some times there is just no reasoning with him and he loves nothing better than to bring up past disagreements he has had with his dad , he gets stuck on these and won't let go of the past, he also refuses to compromise  on anything and has been known to say things to other students about me abd his dad and uses it against us saying other students hate us and are disgusted by us and we are very manulipulative, how true this is in terms of what these so called other people have said about us is I don't know . I don't know how yo handle this anymore , anyone have any advice please .

  • I feel for you I really do, I've been in the middle of people like this far to often. You could try and do what my daughter did to her Dad who is a world class martyr with a long memory, she went up and sniffed him and kept sniffing him until he asked her what she was doing, her reply, 'enjoying the smell of burning martyr'. That shut him up for a bit! You could also try what I've done on occaision and break in with comments like 'you've forgotten the fall of Rome, that was my fault too, and the Black Death' and other historical absurdities, it might break the situation, it might not, but one things for sure, people like that can't cope with being mocked, even gently.

    You could ask him why if you're all so terrible he continues to live with you as it's his choice and you all managed perfectly well before he came along. Another of my favourite lines to use in these sorts of situations, is 'yes dear, you can think that if it makes you happy', I said this to someone once who started on about why it didn't make him happy, to which my reply was, 'well stop thinking it then'.

    You have to find a way to take your power back, remind him it's your house and whilst he lives in your house he abides by your rules, no argument, he either does or he leaves, and if he starts issuing threats and using his legal knowlege or what he thinks you'll believe is his legal knowlege, then tell him, yes dear, you can do that if it makes you happy and if it dosen't you can leave. If he does leave then let him. He may come back, or he may stay away and cut off his nose to spite his face. I think you also need to talk with your husband about this and make a plan between you, don't allow him to divide and rule. I wouldn't believe what he says others think about you, it's just more games and drama.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Same here. Somehow life's experiences mellow us.

  • Oh, Skelly, this is so common. We (i.e your son and me) can get stuck in a thought or belief which is not fully correct, but is right at the time we experience it. What we don't always see is what has happened to lead up to it - i.e what life experiences you and his dad has had.

    How do you handle it? I'm not sure I've worked that out with my kids yet. What I have learnt is to understand myself, try to put myself in my parents shoes and try to understand how they dealt with me. They got so much wrong, but a lot right. I had a terrible relationship with my daughter before lockdown - she refused to go to school, but once we understood why, he was so much happier. I love and respect my son so much now.

    Basically, their lives are so much harder than ours were. We might not agree or like their choices, but we should always be there for them when things don't go well.  Choose your battles well. Some things don't matter.  Some things do. ALWAYS tell them you love them, even when you don't like what they have done.  They need somewhere to retreat to, and it is better that it is you than something else you don't know.

  • Your house, your rules. It would do no harm to remind him of that. If he doesn't like it he can go rent some student accommodation. He's an adult now.

    You ought to also remind him to be a bit more respectful. A dose of reality will do no harm, you need some boundaries.

    Either he brings up stuff because it works, maybe it ends the conversation when things get tough, or he can't process it.

    This is my main reason to get stuck on past events; I am either confused by them or can't come to terms with them.

    He ought perhaps to go and see someone if this the case, but probably will refuse as he can't see he is in the wrong and is stubborn.

    I was in a similar position, i.e. would not seek help when I should, and 30 years later after lots of denial I suddenly realised maybe I should. It would've been hard to do it earlier. People have to come to the conclusion themselves.