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Why are you such a @#*%#*#!? Autism

Gordon-not-Ramsay

Why am I finding it hard to convince people that what I do is down to autism? Let me set up a scenario...

Me and my wife are splitting up, but one of the boys had a birthday coming up and i was skint. I wanted to get him a present and a card. I asked her for some money and she obliged. I picked up some fun items, something silly, a book he wanted to complete the set, a card and a gift bag to put them all in. I write the card out "from Dad", because, after all. we aren't together anymore.

I gave him the bag and he opened the card. He showed it to his mum, who went ballistic because i didn't write it out to both of us. She hadnt managed to get a card for him herself, of which i wasn't aware (she even give him cash to get what he wanted that i wasn't aware of either).

Much later, my partner asked why I wrote the card out just from me, but says, "and don't you dare say autism!"

Who is to blame here? Is anyone to blame? Is having autism a good excuse, assuming i misunderstood the circumstances and was not aware of what had already been arranged?

  • To be honest, cards are one of those things that loads of people seem to get wrong. I've done the same thing before (albeit different situation) with not putting someone's name on. Although, I was taught not assume anything, so I don't assume people will have put my name on a card. Lots of people do assume these things, it isn't really about blame. I'd say it's more about people's reactions to it. 

    Also, autism might help explain why someone did something the way they did, but maybe saying it's an excuse is the wrong way to look at it. Excuse implies that even if someone did something 'wrong' that they don't have to take accountability for it. Saying that, not signing a card a certain way doesn't seem like a big deal, but someone else's feelings have been hurt so that's important to acknowledge, even if you aren't to blame, and perhaps lessons will be learned about assuming things too Smile

  • in reply to D

    It is bonkers, I'll give you that. It upsets the child, but then he's already upset about our split. But, he's smart and strong. He knows he won't lose either of us in his life. We both love him too much.

    But, like i said to thecatwoman, not communicating (exacerbated further by autism) is the stumbling block.

    WinkThumbsupHeart️

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    To be fair, she had been to hospital to have an allergy test. She has trouble getting prescribed medication due to a penicillin allergy.

    That said, she tends to buy online and use moonpig for cards etc. So, I do believe there is miscommunication on both sides. She is also diagnosed as bipolar, which doesn't help matters. WinkThumbsupHeart️

  • Why not just text you and ask you to put the card from both of you?

    Why didn't she have time to get him a card, it's not like they're hard to find?

    If there is blame to be laid, then I dont' think it should be you who's blamed, your ex can't treat you like you're still together when it suits her, this is her child too, so she needs to stop making assumptions about you being a mind reader and organise herself properly.

  • Gordon-not-Ramsay said:
    She hadnt managed to get a card for him herself

    Obviously I don't know the full details, but this seems to suggest she intended to get a card. Would she have put your name on it too? 2 cards with both names on it is odd; or 2 cards, one with both names, and one with only one name.

    I guess the thing that might affect how it is perceived is if the money is a loan, being given, or was as a "shared" present. If it's being given to make sure the kid doesn't miss out on present from both parents, wouldn't putting both names on one card and one name on another defeat the purpose? If it's a loan, then you'll be the one paying for the presents and card in the end. There's a gratitude factor for loaning/giving the money, but seems that should be between you two, not the kid. Shared present would better explain it, but then why 2 cards?

    I've unfortunately seen some bonkers things in divorces which it seems impossible to make logical sense of. They're not my stories to tell though.