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Dating - Unsure Whether To Tell BF I'm Autistic

Amy

I’ve been dating this man and it’s been going well – touching wood straight away – or well for me anyway. Straight of the bat I told him I am quiet and very very shy, and struggle with socialising and physical contact. I haven’t told him I’m autistic but I’ve explained about it and how it affects me, he might have guessed but if he has he hasn’t mentioned it.

I haven’t told him yet as I want to get to know him first. I worry in case he reacts badly about it, some people sadly do and to others it makes little difference. My older sister is also on the spectrum and had dated a man who seemed really nice and then she said about her autism and he treated her horribly. I don’t want this for myself.

The other day Matthew – my boyfriend – took me to his parents house.  I’ve met them twice before and I like his mum but his dad is loud and not nice – he shouts at the TV – and it’s really difficult with my sensory issues. This time his dad got on to people with disabilities and was basically saying we’re useless and need to try harder. It was hard to listen to, I felt angry, then irritated and then just sad as I listened to him. He said and he and his mates at work think the same.

It makes me sad that some people even think that about me and autism in general.

Now I’m really in two minds whether to talk to Matthew about this and say I’m autistic. One thing I noticed was how when his dad went in to the massive rant about disabled people, Matthew stayed silent and unless I misread his expression, he looked really embarrassed. But I might have just misread his expression, I’m certainly no expert in these things!

Just wondered what your thoughts are on this. Has anyone here ever been in a relationship? If you have any pointers I would love to hear them.

Thanks so much in advance.

  • Honesty is the best policy in this case, in my opinion. I often find that younger generations tend to be more accepting of autism, while older individuals may be more likely to hold stigmatized beliefs—though of course, this is a generalization. But, cultural attitudes have shifted over time.

    I agree with the other posters: sharing your thoughts with Matthew will help you get this off your chest and ease your mind.

  • I agree with the others, tell him. Being honest about your diagnosis is the way forward here. It’s what I would do in your situation right now because otherwise you will obsess and worry about this, and that will work against you. I’m sure Matthew will be understanding, you’ve basically already told him in not so many words and if you’ve already dated him a few times then he already knows you and what you’re like, so all that is to come is the word Autism.

    I can completely understand your worried telling him because of his dad but as pointed out already he didn’t join in and agree with his dad. If he remained silent then you were probably right in your assumption that he was embarrassed, hence he said nothing.

    Maybe he has worked out you are autistic from what you have told him and that’s why he didn’t say anything and looked awkward?

    The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. Or if you find talking about personal things too much then you could write him a letter, put all your thoughts, worries and feelings on paper, that might be easier for you. You will feel a lot better if you get all this off your chest with him.

    Otherwise you will worry and worry, and this will pull you down, and ultimately make it harder for you in the long run.

    Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

  • Tell him.

    If it's a disaster then it is better for it to be a disaster sooner rather than later.

    More likely it will be OK.

  • My advice is to be up-front about it from the outset.  You've mentioned it to him - but he's not reacted.  I do find this a bit odd but then I tend to have an opinion on everything - particularly Autism - so it will seem strange to me that someone can have nothing to say. 

    I am sorry for your sister's experience.  Some people are plain ignorant.  Of course this has no bearing on your situation, but I understand why it might be in your mind. 

    The reality is that you aren't entering into a relationship with his Dad, just him.  I get it that you may feel that he could have the same opinions as his Dad, or that you may have to see more of the Dad over time - but this isn't really about the Dad.   A lot of people have relations that aren't that wonderful - it isn't unusual.   

    Perhaps 'Matthew' just doesn't like confronting his Dad about his bigoted opinions?  It could be that he's found it pointless to argue with him in the past, and it is easier to say nothing.  He might find it embarrassing, so he keeps quiet.  If he agreed with his Dad's opinions, he'd have been joining in, wouldn't he? 

    There's only one way to deal with all this - and it is to be open and honest.  I should imagine that if Matthew is a reasonable person, he wont expect you to go around and listen to the Dad ranting again, once he's heard about the Autism.  

    But not telling him will just make you worry about it indefinitely - and quite likely he will wonder why you didn't tell him sooner when you eventually mention it.   I do hope he sees it that you are showing him trust by sharing this information.  I wish you good luck.