Autistic friend

As hard as it is to have a conversation when the other person is adverse to your declarations, autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder, in which and put simply, it means that there is a cognitive ceiling to their ability to process social-emotional communicative data. This does not mean they are intellectually impaired, it just means that they use and rely of less advanced cognitive tools to reciprocate, ‘declaration’ is an advanced cognitive tool.

This means that their ability to declare and be declared to, is the first thing the cognitive ceiling falls past in high stress situations, owing to this Autistic people tend to rely on procedure and following-the-leader to cope. It means that the skill least hale and hearty on an autistic person, is going to be declaration, you’re annoyance at her inability to sate your frustration ‘it’s because i’m autistic’, is proof positive that her explanation lands a little crudely, the same is true for her ability to appreciate your frustration through your declaration.

The answer of course is in the pudding I’ve lain out, the presence of more-often spared-abilities, procedure and following. If you must declare something to your friend, the worse possible time to do it is during a chaotic situation (which is to say anything not normal), if you must declare something, do it well in advance and not to put across and emotion point. Where chaos is concerned rely on procedure, if there is no procedure, have her follow your lead. Don’t use her trust in you to walk her through coals, if it’s noisy or bright you are not making her doubt you, you are betraying her trust by hurting her (like forcing a child to walk on blistered feet and telling them to ‘trust you’).

Ultimately it isn’t your friend’s fault that she is autistic, nor is it yours, it simply is the case. But dragging her behind the proverbial cart, is still not acceptable, her friendship in this instance requires adjustment. She has a social impairment, so don’t take poor communication or listening as a slight. There will be many things that she is a great friend for, ill wager her ability to proceduralise your relationship and follow-help you is an order of magnitude more honed than is common, just not when she is in a harmful position.

You won’t lose you friend unless you mean to, not even after time apart, a good friend can be like riding a bike for and autistic person. We’re just happy to feel safe and secure..:)

As hard as it is to have a conversation when the other person is adverse to your declarations, autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder, in which and put simply, it means that there is a cognitive ceiling to their ability to process social-emotional communicative data. This does not mean they are intellectually impaired, it just means that they use and rely of less advanced cognitive tools to reciprocate, ‘declaration’ is an advanced cognitive tool.

This means that their ability to declare and be declared to, is the first thing the cognitive ceiling falls past in high stress situations, owing to this Autistic people tend to rely on procedure and following-the-leader to cope. It means that the skill least hale and hearty on an autistic person, is going to be declaration, you’re annoyance at her inability to sate your frustration ‘it’s because i’m autistic’, is proof positive that her explanation lands a little crudely, the same is true for her ability to appreciate your frustration through your declaration.

The answer of course is in the pudding I’ve lain out, the presence of more-often spared-abilities, procedure and following. If you must declare something to your friend, the worse possible time to do it is during a chaotic situation (which is to say anything not normal), if you must declare something, do it well in advance and not to put across and emotion point. Where chaos is concerned rely on procedure, if there is no procedure, have her follow your lead. Don’t use her trust in you to walk her through coals, if it’s noisy or bright you are not making her doubt you, you are betraying her trust by hurting her (like forcing a child to walk on blistered feet and telling them to ‘trust you’).

Ultimately it isn’t your friend’s fault that she is autistic, nor is it yours, it simply is the case. But dragging her behind the proverbial cart, is still not acceptable, her friendship in this instance requires adjustment. She has a social impairment, so don’t take poor communication or listening as a slight. There will be many things that she is a great friend for, ill wager her ability to proceduralise your relationship and follow-help you is an order of magnitude more honed than is common, just not when she is in a harmful position.

You won’t lose you friend unless you mean to, not even after time apart, a good friend can be like riding a bike for and autistic person. We’re just happy to feel safe and secure..:)

Thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed reply. Unfortunately it's so convoluted that I can't follow your thinking even after reading it three times. For instance, I don't know what you mean by "declaration" which usually implies a clear announcement, and doesn't fit with a normal two-way conversation.

Here's an example of just one of my problems: before my friend came to visit I asked her firmly not to wander off without telling me, because she's in a strange city and gets disorientated easily. Of course she did wander off several times and of course I had to find her and I got incredibly stressed and angry. In the end my solution was to tell her she can't come to stay with me any more, which is very sad but it's just too difficult. I will still go and visit her though!