Autistic friend

No worries. By declaration I mean to state verbally what you want. So for example saying “take a seat over there” and using only words to convey your wishes, where for example non-declaratives, like doing the same thing every time would better. Or failing that, showing her where to sit or just sticking together, or giving time to think (sometimes its simply required, if the more basic communication is not accomodated, then an understanding wont be reached at all).
It seems obvious to one who easily can wield most cognitive abilities easily, but to an autistic person who has difficulty socially it’s extremely important, it’s easy to overlook with someone who doesn’t have intellectual difficulty, it makes a world of difference to go down a gear. Think anthropologist on mars, not stupid, just not Martian (a lot of people don’t like that analogy, because it paints autistic people as alien, when really it’s a question of gears available).

Things that seem obvious to others, are not obvious to us, which can leave us feeling pretty bad too. We’re more than capable of seeing the inefficiency that we contribute to. The frustration is not lost on us, we just cant run on the same level of discretion where declaration (social-emotional communication) is concerned, nor can we easily declare how we feel, which is not lost on us either.

Though i can tell it’s frustrating, as she will be able to tell, it’s not a question of how firm a thing is declared, it is the fact it is declared. Much like a deaf person won’t hear you the louder you shout. Those without-autism can live their whole lives cruising on declaration, and the consequence can be that those who aren't spared this function in high stress situations seem bafflingly inept, its just a difference in abilities used. i am sure you would find it hard to have a conversation without speaking (non-declaration), more so than that you’d find it unnecessary to learn because declaration is quicker, but an autistic can find it easier and necessary.

Most autistic people have to learn unorthodox way of communicating, because they cant rely on declaration when it counts, they have to use procedural-cognition or echoing or non-verbals to understand.
An example: knowing when a person does something, like a catch phrase or movement that precede a person’s action, and moving to respond (like the removal of a seatbelt means getting out of car), that is non-declarative because didn’t declare it but it’s still obvious to an adept of non-declaration. If you walk into a chaotic space and indicate what to do verbally, an autistic person can rely on none of these things, so people get flustered and ultimately relations are diminished for no fault of the autistic person, or at least no fault they can declare to you (as they will not be able to tell you that they rely on sitting in a certain place or waiting for a certain cue).

Most of the things I do are non-verbal I can completely cruise through my day, with looking at to directly communicating with a single person.
I know what cars will do they the noise of the engine. I know what cashiers will do by their movements around the till. I know where people will walk by the sound of their feet. I can sense anomalies in normal foot traffic that tell me what I person’s intentions are just by the vacuum left by sound their feet make that everyone else’s don’t make. I can feel chaos in the air.

So when I respond to anomalies before they cause chaos, by moving chairs to the right order or telling a person to walk in a certain way with me, people get frustrated because I cannot declare why I’m doing it. We just run on different gears.
But if you are the leader in these outings and your friend is trying to do it your way, she going to end up making mistakes, just like you’d ’make mistakes’ if you were walking on my right side and not my left, I’m communicating with you but you’re just not proficient in using my gear. It’s about compromise. If you slow it down, she’ll stick less, just remember that louder doesn’t equate to more-clear, just like if i shouted in Spanish you wouldn’t understand better..:)

It seems to me it is now the other way around. Rather than her adapting all the time, you are adapting all the time. Seems you should have some boundaries too.

Can there not be some compromise? It can't all be one way if it is causing you problems, such as staring at a wall. 

Obviously the current strategy is working for her, so she doesn't want to change.

All you can do is explain. If no compromise is possible I guess you'd have to just talk on the phone.

Thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed reply. Unfortunately it's so convoluted that I can't follow your thinking even after reading it three times. For instance, I don't know what you mean by "declaration" which usually implies a clear announcement, and doesn't fit with a normal two-way conversation.

Here's an example of just one of my problems: before my friend came to visit I asked her firmly not to wander off without telling me, because she's in a strange city and gets disorientated easily. Of course she did wander off several times and of course I had to find her and I got incredibly stressed and angry. In the end my solution was to tell her she can't come to stay with me any more, which is very sad but it's just too difficult. I will still go and visit her though!

As hard as it is to have a conversation when the other person is adverse to your declarations, autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder, in which and put simply, it means that there is a cognitive ceiling to their ability to process social-emotional communicative data. This does not mean they are intellectually impaired, it just means that they use and rely of less advanced cognitive tools to reciprocate, ‘declaration’ is an advanced cognitive tool.

This means that their ability to declare and be declared to, is the first thing the cognitive ceiling falls past in high stress situations, owing to this Autistic people tend to rely on procedure and following-the-leader to cope. It means that the skill least hale and hearty on an autistic person, is going to be declaration, you’re annoyance at her inability to sate your frustration ‘it’s because i’m autistic’, is proof positive that her explanation lands a little crudely, the same is true for her ability to appreciate your frustration through your declaration.

The answer of course is in the pudding I’ve lain out, the presence of more-often spared-abilities, procedure and following. If you must declare something to your friend, the worse possible time to do it is during a chaotic situation (which is to say anything not normal), if you must declare something, do it well in advance and not to put across and emotion point. Where chaos is concerned rely on procedure, if there is no procedure, have her follow your lead. Don’t use her trust in you to walk her through coals, if it’s noisy or bright you are not making her doubt you, you are betraying her trust by hurting her (like forcing a child to walk on blistered feet and telling them to ‘trust you’).

Ultimately it isn’t your friend’s fault that she is autistic, nor is it yours, it simply is the case. But dragging her behind the proverbial cart, is still not acceptable, her friendship in this instance requires adjustment. She has a social impairment, so don’t take poor communication or listening as a slight. There will be many things that she is a great friend for, ill wager her ability to proceduralise your relationship and follow-help you is an order of magnitude more honed than is common, just not when she is in a harmful position.

You won’t lose you friend unless you mean to, not even after time apart, a good friend can be like riding a bike for and autistic person. We’re just happy to feel safe and secure..:)