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Supporting my wife

tryinghard99

Hi. This is my first post and my first cry out for some sort of assistance. About a year ago my young child was diagnosed with autism, and recently my wife started a journey to get herself diagnosed for autism and ADHD and starting to find out who she really is. I am very proud of her, and it's been very tough for us as a couple sorting out things for our child. Now as a neurotypical person I am still learning and finding it very overwhelming and I am scared. I want to be there to support my wife and learn how to be calm, understanding through this journey. It has been very difficult so far and we have had more downs than ups but I'm looking for help or some sort of guidance of how I can best be there for my wife and learn to understand and grow with her. Anyone in this situation and can maybe give me some suggestions please? Thank you for your time.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    In addition to the resources that others have highlighted, you might find this book helpful. It focuses on helping couples with one autistic partner to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the couple around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which person is autistic this time?" But I felt that the benefits from the book were still very worthwhile. 

    You could also consider couples counselling, ideally led by a counsellor who is experienced in helping neurodivergent clients.

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Thank you for taking the time to respond. Slight smile

  • I was diagnosed several years after my youngest son was diagnosed, and now my eldest has been diagnosed as well (in his 20s). My husband has been very supportive- he’s not autistic but he has a few autistic traits - so his understanding of autism is good on an instinctive level I think. 
    I don’t think you need to feel scared in any way. Your wife is the same women you fell in love with and married - nothing will change with a diagnosis in essence. The most likely outcome of your wife getting a diagnosis is that she will have a better understanding and acceptance of herself and in the long term will be slightly happier if anything. But a diagnosis doesn’t present any massive change in a persons life generally - other than a change in perspective maybe. As long as she knows you’re there for her and that you love her - and that you’ll listen to her feelings about all of this and be supportive - I think it will be a positive thing for your whole family in the long run. It’s always good to remember that there are positives to being autistic as well as negatives. 

  • Hi and welcome to the community. It's great that you want to support your wife. Here is a link to this website's advice for partners of autistic people:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

    I wish you both well.