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What makes you feel autistic

Deleted User

Since self diagnosing 3 years ago I've started to notice things more 'in the moment' that make me realise that I'm autistic.

Today I had arranged to go to a football game with my gf and her 2 boys. Her youngest boy plays in a kids football team and they're flag bearing at a League 1 game today. I was asked if I'd like to go along as we'd not been to a football game together yet and even though it wasn't our team it seemed like a nice idea. 

I was told that we'd need to be there for 11.30am so I assumed it was an early 12pm kickoff. I got picked up at 10.30ish as planned and we got there around 11.30am. The surrounding area was very quiet which seemed odd for a game that should've been starting in 30 minutes, so I asked my gf if it was a 12pm kickoff. She said, "No, it's 3pm, and there's a tour of the ground etc beforehand."

Cue sudden change to plans and pre-meltdown rumble....

I hadn't prepared myself for a full day out and had already worked out in my head that if it was a 12pm kick-off I'd be able to get home around 4pm latest which would give me time to recover from any overwhelm and also get some work done before a 9pm bedtime. 

Now it seemed that I'd have to add in another 3 hours masking and potential small talk with people I didn't know, plus the sensory overstimulation of the game I'd prepared for, and having no time to do any work when I got home around 7pm and possibly risking shutdown the following day due to exhaustion.

I communicated this to my partner who is always really understanding as we're both autistic and she felt awful that she hadn't communicated this fully to me beforehand, and I felt awful that I was causing a problem but there's no way I could stay without it completely wasting me for 1-2 days after. Luckily she was able to drop me back home and was happy that we could spend some time in the car chatting instead of her having to mask and small talk for a while too. Her boys were happy playing with their team in the mean time and it's a very supportive club so parents will watch all kids if other parents are busy etc.

Luckily a full meltdown was averted and I'm grateful that I was able to recognise the early signs, but it's things like this that make me realise just how autistic I am and how much more in tune with my feelings I need to be simply to function and avoid a system shutdown. I also feel very lucky that I have such an understanding and supportive partner, and she kept reminding me that if the roles were reversed that I'd have done exactly the same for her, which I absolutely would and have done in the past when she's needed support.

Can anyone relate to this, and have you ever felt a meltdown coming on that you were able to avoid or 'catch in time' before it fully took hold and ruined your day?

Parents

  • If I had to sum it up I would say that I find so many aspects of life incredibly challenging. Firstly: being around people other than my very close family is very stressful for me. Dealing with anything unexpected is a nightmare. I worry about virtually everything. I have loads of sensory issues - touch, sound, smell. I soon feel overwhelmed by problems and can suddenly switch to suicidal thoughts in a heartbeat if I am feeling I can’t cope (though I know this is just because I want to ‘escape’ feeling so terrible - I definitely don’t want to die). To be happy I need a very very quiet and peaceful life. I don’t trust other people and can be very paranoid. I realise this all sounds like a bit of a nightmare - and in many way it is. Having said that I’m very creative and I feel a deep connection to nature that brings me so much happiness. So it’s not all bad. But I won’t lie : it’s far from easy. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I can relate to a lot of this, especially the suicide ideation if things get tough all at once.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Yes. I’m sorry you experience this too. Life can feel just too much to cope with sometimes. This feeling always passes though - I find the challenge for me is to learn to try to tolerate that feeling of overwhelm. 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Exactly. I think it’s a process of gradual change and with regular practice we can reduce our habitual distress. Whilst we still suffer ( it’s a part of life after all to experience difficult emotions)  we can find more effective ways of handling our suffering. Like you mention I have also found Buddhism has given me some helpful approaches to dealing with feeling overwhelmed, anxious or depressed. I still struggle a lot but I do feel I’m not completely without things that genuinely help. I’ve realised that a lot of our problems come from attachment, aversion and struggling with change and impermanence. So the ways to counteract suffering caused by these things is to do the opposite: practice letting go, staying with difficult emotions instead of running from them (in various ways), and accept impermanence - because everything changes eventually and it helps to understand that and try to accept it. Easier said than done but I do feel this is the best approach. 

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  • in reply to Deleted User

    Exactly. I think it’s a process of gradual change and with regular practice we can reduce our habitual distress. Whilst we still suffer ( it’s a part of life after all to experience difficult emotions)  we can find more effective ways of handling our suffering. Like you mention I have also found Buddhism has given me some helpful approaches to dealing with feeling overwhelmed, anxious or depressed. I still struggle a lot but I do feel I’m not completely without things that genuinely help. I’ve realised that a lot of our problems come from attachment, aversion and struggling with change and impermanence. So the ways to counteract suffering caused by these things is to do the opposite: practice letting go, staying with difficult emotions instead of running from them (in various ways), and accept impermanence - because everything changes eventually and it helps to understand that and try to accept it. Easier said than done but I do feel this is the best approach. 

Children