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Living with a baby / rant and discussion / advice needed

Ems

Im an autistic adult early 20s and late diagnosed last year and I still live with my family and my teenage sister has recently had a baby. I already have a complicated relationship with my sister and the way my family treats her compared to me. I also have moral issues with my sister due to my sense of justice, as I know that she’s bullied a girl at school and took part in beating her up, and god knows what else. I find this really hard to forget and deal with as I constantly feel guilty and responsible for what she did.


My mum and sister are making me feel selfish and guilty for not wanting to help them with the baby. I have noise sensitivity so when he cries it really hurts my ears and irritates me, which is made worse by being kept up at night too because of the crying. I know babies cry and it’s even harder for her to deal with, but why does it have to have anything to do with me? I don’t have a baby for a reason, I don’t want to be looking after someone else’s. I have to sleep with my loop earplugs in just to try and drown out the crying. Why is it my responsibility? They wouldn’t be asking these things of me if I didn’t live with them.

It’s gotten to the point where my sister is being so rude to me and sending me passive aggressive texts about how I don’t help her and that I’m a bad sister. And she never apologises. Then expects me to help her out unnecessarily. But why should I have to help? It’s not my baby. She made the choice to keep the baby and my mum can never say no to her, so she constantly does whatever she wants without consequences or dealing with them.


On top of all of this they’re now buying a horse. My mum barely has enough time as it is, but won’t say no to my sister and refuses to admit that she has no time to deal with the baby and a horse. The only reason they have enough money for this is because of my step dad’s life insurance, and she’s guilting people saying that her ‘dead dad is paying’

This makes me even more reluctant to help them, as if they can have time and money to buy a horse, then why do they need help with the baby?? This is something I’ve had to deal with my whole life, being pushed down and guilt tripped by the two of them.

Every time I try to talk to my mum about how I feel she guilts me even more and gets all upset. They don’t understand my autism and haven’t even tried to. I’m sick of being the one that has to explain everything, when they don’t even listen. Is it so much to ask that my mum researches into autism, when she does literally everything for my sister?

Am i overthinking and overreacting? Am I being selfish?  I obviously love my family and my nephew but doesn’t mean I want to be his caretaker whilst they can do whatever they want. They take advantage of the fact I’m unable to work because of my autism and anxiety, so think that I do nothing all day and can watch the baby.

  • I am not sure if this is a possibility. I note that you say one of the issues is that you are around all the time. I wondered if there are any volunteer schemes doing something in a quiet place like gardening or something else you enjoy, where you could be busy doing something and also away from the noise.

  • in reply to Iain

    That could be true, although I don’t pay my mum any money towards bills I have offered so many times as I’d rather do that than have to do things like babysitting, but she refuses to take any money. 
    I do think that my autism comes from my dad’s side or the family, but could still be true about my mum. 
    I am trying to save up to move out with my partner and we are looking into going on the housing register, but not sure if we’ll have any luck. 

  • in reply to Xenomorph

    I totally agree with you. He’s only just a newborn at the moment so not too gross lol. But at that toddler age where they touch everything with sticky fingers - I can’t bare that. You’ve definitely assumed right, it’s really upsetting and frustrating. Thank you for your support and understanding 

  • Ems said:
    I still live with my family

    The social dynamics around this situation for an adult are typically that you need to contribute significantly to the running of the home in exchange for your lodgings, whether by paying a reasonable rent or by contributing other services.

    Ems said:
    Am i overthinking and overreacting? Am I being selfish?

    If you are not paying near market rent then this will be why you are being pushed to provide free labour instead and are expected to put up with the discomfort of the babys presence (noise, nappies etc).

    It sounds like the needs of a defenceless baby are being prioritised over your needs as an autistic adult as these sound more like comfort zone items to others.

    Lastly remember that autism is highly likely to be hereditary so it is quite likely that your sister is on the spectrum too as could your mum, which may explain their lack of understanding and empathy for your situation.

    In your shoes I would be looking to move out and find your own place - is this a possibility?

  • Hello ! I understand this situation quite well , when my nieces were babies they were often at our house for quite a long time period. The issue is that I don’t really like babies and I always try to stay away. Their noises and screaming is making my skin crawl and I also refused to touch anything that the baby touched. They have a lot of germs and leaky drool and snot. I literally ran and was hiding every single time my mom or nieces parents told me that my niece had a cold or has snot. It’s very sad that once a baby is around - you get kinda forgotten because everyone just caters to the baby and its parents. And I also experienced my parents forcing me to help and play with the baby and I always tried to avoid it or go out. It’s very uncomfortable and disrespectful that no one pays attention to you and your comfort. 
    Doesn’t help that your sister is still a teen so she cannot move out. That by itself shows that she is irresponsible and your mom is not confronting her and not teaching her responsibility and consequences of her actions therefore she will never be mature enough. Instead catering to her wanting a horse on top of having a new baby. Your sister sounds like a bully and wants to drag you into her mess so she doesn’t have to deal with it herself. Also they maybe assume that because you’re a woman you have to want to help with a baby. 
    Don’t give in to their ridiculous demands. I wish you all the strength to push through the situation ! And I’m sorry if I assumed something wrong. 

  • in reply to NeatCart

    i think you are right - they do know that i will feel bad and 'give in'. im really trying to work on saying no more and stating my own boundaries, but it is really hard when i am being insulted and called a bad sister for enforcing these boundaries. i think my sister as gotten so use to my mum always helping her, that she expects it from everyone else. i have spoken to my mum before about the way she always says yes, and she says its because she feels bad and wants to make her happy, yet she never says yes to me when i ask for things, even things that wouldn't involve her responsibility or financially. but in turn this is making my sister more immature and unable to take responsibility for things as my mum is doing that for her. it just becomes upsetting and confusing when growing up that was not the case for me at all, especially growing up undiagnosed and anxious. i do feel sorry for my sister but she has kind of made these choices which have gotten her where she is now, which youre right hasnt been helped by the way my mum treats her. its just really upsetting to hear that my mum will do anything and say yes to anything to make my sister happy, but not me. whenever ive spoken on this, im told it is because she is younger than me and that i know better - but what about when i waa her age or younger? sorry for the rant its just incredibily frustrating and i have no family to talk about this with. im really trying to save up to move out with my partner as its the only way i see out of this

  • This situation resonates with me on so many levels. It sounds almost like a game where they try to have all the joy and fun while offloading as much responsibility on you as possible. As long as your sense of justice and "righness" forces you to show up and help they will just keep pushing and see it as an opportunity to get what they want.

    I may be completely wrong but the way you describe your family dynamics is your mom is avoiding any emotional responsibility and work by just saying "yes". It's not that she is doing anything for your sister, rather that your sister is trying to fill the void of her emotional needs by a short-lived joy of acquiring babies and horses - as if they were things, and your mother is not mature enough and doesn't care enough to notice and address it. I see it as a pattern of thrill-seeking to get away from the horrid reality.

    I can only imagine the pain your sister is going through though - getting your teenage years torn away from you by having a baby and suddenly landing in a 9th circle of responsibility hell. All while not having nearly enough responsibility developed to care for oneself! But this is not your responsibility, and you can't change them, only enable their high-chasing.

    I don't think you're being selfish or overreactive - the love for your family must be given freely, and you are strong-armed into sacrificing your needs.

    As hard as it is, I see the only way out in seeking independence for yourself - and in learning to draw lines and sticking to them no matter what. It can be a powerful thing, but it will also mean people who are used to hearing nothing but "yes" will do anything to go back to that comfort.