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autistic adult child’s anger

katyann

we are at our wits end and need help and just don’t know what to do. We are a family of 4., Mum, Dad and grown up kids all living at home. Our son was diagnosed with HFA at 12. We have been through years of trying to understand him and trying to ignore the way he speaks to us all. He is so condescending, snappy and aggressive in his manner. We walk around on eggshells the majority of the time and family life is awful. We have tried talking to him but he gets defensive and then somehow manages to turn it around so that we feel we are the ones with the problem. It’s so hard to describe how hard it is living with him but it has got so bad now that his older siblings talking about moving out because they can’t stand it any more. is this constant miserable, aggressive tone in autism and how do you cope with it. I would really appreciate some help/advice, especially for our other grown up child .

  • I can relate to this as I was most likely very similar to your son, even as little as 10 years ago (I'm almost 50 now). I had to move back in with my family for a short amount of time but it was enough to make me cut all contact with my family when I was able to leave again. 

    My mother is almost definitely ADHD like me but we just couldn't get on and were screaming at each other constantly. It got to the point where she was constantly walking on eggshells around me and visibly nervous about saying the wrong thing, but that really irritated me and her controlling ways and unwillingness to treat me as a grown adult caused so much friction.

    It does sound like he'd be much better living alone and it could save your relationship too. He has the benefit that you know he is diagnosed but it's getting him to admit that he is too. I'm currently in therapy and seeing a counsellor twice a month. Some of them aren't great it's true, and many aren't open to seeing neurodivergent individuals and will invalidate and/or misdiagnose but there are some nice ones out there who will keep an open mind and ask questions to understand.

    I really hope that he'll be open to that. People can change their minds. Blush

  • Thanks for your responses. i do think there is a lot more going on, i think he is depressed and has been for some time. He has only recently started to accept his diagnosis so maybe that is what he is struggling with. i suggested a counsellor but he just says they are rubbish. I’m afraid i think asking him to leave is just not an option as i would worry about his mental health at the moment if he was in his own 

  • I am sorry to hear of your situation.

    Unfortunately not only is there little support available for adults with Autism, there is virtually nothing that can be done about any issues they have until they decide there's a problem and seek help themselves. 

    From your description, it sounds as if he is not happy and needs some intervention.  It could well be that a trip to the GP would be the best starting point, but it is convincing him of that - that will no doubt be the problem. 

    We cannot dispense medical advice or opinion on this forum but there remains the possibility that he may be suffering from other mental health conditions too (anxiety, depression for instance) which can contribute to the state of mind you describe.   I really do advocate some intervention by a medical professional if at all possible. 

  • He might benefit by joining this place. 

    I was the instigator of all my misfortunes. But I didn’t understand myself…. He needs to understand himself. But he can’t "get" it from you because of all the baggage and emotions.

  • I feel for you. Now in my late 60’s I was an angry young man who was always looking for an argument and very difficult to live with. I used to think I was always right and that everyone around me was wrong. To be honest you need to kick him out the house for your own wellbeing and the rest of the family. That is very harsh, but you do say he is high functioning so he should be able to manage it. He may try to make you feel bad. In fact probably will. However, from what you say he can’t do sharing his space with others so he is possibly likely to do better without other people in the same space.

    keep posting