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Hating my honesty (and autism)

AutismRox

I was late-diagnosed at the age of 27, turning 28. I am 30 turning 31 this year. 

For the most part I used to love being autistic. Yes it came with challenges but I was one of those whose diagnosis saved their life. Where that single word Autism made everything fall into place. Once I was diagnosed it allowed me to fully unmask 100% and I had started to embrace my differences and see the positives of being autistic. 

However since leaving hospital last summer (I had spent much of my 20s in MH units as I was one of those misdiagnosed females where they keep telling you that you are mentally ill when you are not, you are in fact autistic), I have had many occasions where I have started to see how my autism and my honesty in particular has not been appropriate - I only realise it when it is too late. I then overthink, and hate myself for "over sharing" or saying "the wrong thing" or the truth or the exact 100% truth. I for the life of me do not know how to lie or not tell the exact truth. 

Then around 5 months ago my honesty left me in a bad situation. I don't think my honesty was the wrong thing - I truly believe it was the other person involved was not the right person to hear my honesty. If it were anybody else, then it would have been completely fine no problem but with this particular individual, my honesty backfired. 

Ever since I have hated being autistic. Not only because of that but because I keep telling the truth 24/7 to everyone in all situations. I have read many books on autism and social interactions etc, I have tried my hardest to role-play not being 100% honest all the time. But despite this, I still cannot lie/not say the whole truth all the time. As a result, I see now that it is actually making me feel very vulnerable. I don't want to be like this. I wish I knew in what situations it is appropriate to be honest and which people it is safe to be honest with. There is no rulebook when it comes to this. I have no idea how neurotypical people naturally just "know" when to be saying what. I have no clue - someone asks me something and I just answer the truth. But it is leaving me feeling embarrassed, ashamed and vulnerable. Now I feel too afraid to be "unmasked". I don't know how to go back to masking, I really don't. But I see now why they say that it may not always be safe for autistic people to unmask all the time. I relate to that a lot. 

Does anyone else relate to not being able to lie? to constantly saying the truth and then digging yourself a hole as a result? 

I feel I would benefit from a support worker who specialises in autism/understands autism to help me navigate social situations at this stage but I don't know if that is an option or not.

Does anyone have any suggestions other than books to read etc as I have done that. 

Parents

  • I can relate to this. Of course, when it comes to facts such as in proven scientific data or giving evidence of what happened for a court case, the truth is important, but in our society the "truth" in relationships is more flexible for most people and tricky for us who prefer to stick to facts.

    It comes down to feelings and causing offence. If someone asks you if you like their new dress and you think it is hideous, if you tell them that (which is the truth) they'll be upset and offended. I think they also would either think you don't like them, or will like you less, or maybe both - who knows, I'm not a psychologist - but it certainly would harm the relationship. So if you want to be/stay friends with them, you can say 1. it looks great or 2. that the colour/style really suits them, or 3. that it goes well with their shoes/jacket. I prefer 2 or 3, as I can make a judgement that I feel is true and make them feel like they made a good choice. However if you don't like or care about them, you can tell the truth - What does it matter What they think about you if you don't want them as a friend?

    What I find most difficult is when someone invites me to lunch or a social event and I don't want to go. In that situation you have a choice of making up an excuse or telling them the truth that you don't want to go. Making an excuse that isn't real - such as an illness or fake prior appointment - doesn't sit easy with us, but I believe it's what most people would do as it doesn't hurt the person's feelings and does no harm. But for us, it's difficult as we often find it difficult to see why we can't just tell the truth. So again, maybe it's better to tell a "white lie" if you want to keep someone as a friend, but if you are not bothered whether you see them again you can go ahead and tell the truth?

Reply

  • I can relate to this. Of course, when it comes to facts such as in proven scientific data or giving evidence of what happened for a court case, the truth is important, but in our society the "truth" in relationships is more flexible for most people and tricky for us who prefer to stick to facts.

    It comes down to feelings and causing offence. If someone asks you if you like their new dress and you think it is hideous, if you tell them that (which is the truth) they'll be upset and offended. I think they also would either think you don't like them, or will like you less, or maybe both - who knows, I'm not a psychologist - but it certainly would harm the relationship. So if you want to be/stay friends with them, you can say 1. it looks great or 2. that the colour/style really suits them, or 3. that it goes well with their shoes/jacket. I prefer 2 or 3, as I can make a judgement that I feel is true and make them feel like they made a good choice. However if you don't like or care about them, you can tell the truth - What does it matter What they think about you if you don't want them as a friend?

    What I find most difficult is when someone invites me to lunch or a social event and I don't want to go. In that situation you have a choice of making up an excuse or telling them the truth that you don't want to go. Making an excuse that isn't real - such as an illness or fake prior appointment - doesn't sit easy with us, but I believe it's what most people would do as it doesn't hurt the person's feelings and does no harm. But for us, it's difficult as we often find it difficult to see why we can't just tell the truth. So again, maybe it's better to tell a "white lie" if you want to keep someone as a friend, but if you are not bothered whether you see them again you can go ahead and tell the truth?

Children
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