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Hating my honesty (and autism)

AutismRox

I was late-diagnosed at the age of 27, turning 28. I am 30 turning 31 this year. 

For the most part I used to love being autistic. Yes it came with challenges but I was one of those whose diagnosis saved their life. Where that single word Autism made everything fall into place. Once I was diagnosed it allowed me to fully unmask 100% and I had started to embrace my differences and see the positives of being autistic. 

However since leaving hospital last summer (I had spent much of my 20s in MH units as I was one of those misdiagnosed females where they keep telling you that you are mentally ill when you are not, you are in fact autistic), I have had many occasions where I have started to see how my autism and my honesty in particular has not been appropriate - I only realise it when it is too late. I then overthink, and hate myself for "over sharing" or saying "the wrong thing" or the truth or the exact 100% truth. I for the life of me do not know how to lie or not tell the exact truth. 

Then around 5 months ago my honesty left me in a bad situation. I don't think my honesty was the wrong thing - I truly believe it was the other person involved was not the right person to hear my honesty. If it were anybody else, then it would have been completely fine no problem but with this particular individual, my honesty backfired. 

Ever since I have hated being autistic. Not only because of that but because I keep telling the truth 24/7 to everyone in all situations. I have read many books on autism and social interactions etc, I have tried my hardest to role-play not being 100% honest all the time. But despite this, I still cannot lie/not say the whole truth all the time. As a result, I see now that it is actually making me feel very vulnerable. I don't want to be like this. I wish I knew in what situations it is appropriate to be honest and which people it is safe to be honest with. There is no rulebook when it comes to this. I have no idea how neurotypical people naturally just "know" when to be saying what. I have no clue - someone asks me something and I just answer the truth. But it is leaving me feeling embarrassed, ashamed and vulnerable. Now I feel too afraid to be "unmasked". I don't know how to go back to masking, I really don't. But I see now why they say that it may not always be safe for autistic people to unmask all the time. I relate to that a lot. 

Does anyone else relate to not being able to lie? to constantly saying the truth and then digging yourself a hole as a result? 

I feel I would benefit from a support worker who specialises in autism/understands autism to help me navigate social situations at this stage but I don't know if that is an option or not.

Does anyone have any suggestions other than books to read etc as I have done that. 

Parents

  • Hello AutismRox,

    To a very large extent, I suffer from what you suffer from.  I use the word "suffer" purposefully.  It is difficult and unsafe for us, in most situations.

    You have a"gift" for honesty.  That is the way I chose to look at the nature of our "suffering".....and yes, I use that word purposefully too!

    I intrinsically CANNOT understand why someone who asks for our/my opinion, wouldn't wish to hear our/my ACTUAL and HONEST opinion on that matter.  Personally, I am not one who marches around giving my opinion on "all and any" matter that arises.......but if I am asked......and I feel compelled to answer....then I will do so with absolute and fundamental honesty......it would feel like a lie if I didn't speak the "unvarnished" reality of my thoughts on that matter.

    Just like you, becoming "life-savingly aware" of my autistic reality was....well.....a genuinely profound "life-saver."

    I have always been a very sensitive, present and "socially aware" entity......and I think that the combination of these things, with a sense of "profound honesty" is a recipe for (lets say....~) oblivion!? We need to be SUPER careful with ourselves, and take SUPREME care to ensure that we don't "loose our sheet" nor trust our souls to the vagaries of  the "assumed competencies" of "purported specialists" in dealing with "us-types."  If it were ONLY that easy, then I would have "signed-up" to sucking in all manner of paid and attentive help available, a while back?!!!   I did "dip my toe" into that pool, (and wiggled it around a bit)......but without much need for debate, quickly recoiled!

    Perhaps, it would be helpful to be told that - due to your gift for honesty - you are obliged to dig deeper within yourself, to derive the WISDOM to know how to most appropriately "deploy" your honesty on the world?  Perhaps that this my "substitute" suggestion to you, because I don't "do" books and links and Youtube suggestions.

    In the vain of, and in the spirit of my post here (ie me proclaiming to be honest and open,) I must be honest with you.  The type of 'autists' that might be able to help you best here, are perhaps not around here (so much) in the volume and breadth that I might hope for, at the moment, and in accord with my perceptions of what this place can offer (at it's best!)

    Notwithstanding all of the above, dear AutismRox, I would ask you one, simple favour, please, mate = is this post to you even 'vaguely' sustaining or helpful to you.......or would you prefer me to pees off, and await for a stream of NAS and NHS links for "standardised and approved" help 'pathways.'

     And....btw....things do (in my experience) improve with age.  Things become clearer, more simple....and unashamedly "blunt" with age.....by default......ie, whether we (or anybody else) likes it, or not.

    I wish you my best.....whether you are heard from again, or not......please keep it "safe."

    In solidarity,

    Number.

Reply

  • Hello AutismRox,

    To a very large extent, I suffer from what you suffer from.  I use the word "suffer" purposefully.  It is difficult and unsafe for us, in most situations.

    You have a"gift" for honesty.  That is the way I chose to look at the nature of our "suffering".....and yes, I use that word purposefully too!

    I intrinsically CANNOT understand why someone who asks for our/my opinion, wouldn't wish to hear our/my ACTUAL and HONEST opinion on that matter.  Personally, I am not one who marches around giving my opinion on "all and any" matter that arises.......but if I am asked......and I feel compelled to answer....then I will do so with absolute and fundamental honesty......it would feel like a lie if I didn't speak the "unvarnished" reality of my thoughts on that matter.

    Just like you, becoming "life-savingly aware" of my autistic reality was....well.....a genuinely profound "life-saver."

    I have always been a very sensitive, present and "socially aware" entity......and I think that the combination of these things, with a sense of "profound honesty" is a recipe for (lets say....~) oblivion!? We need to be SUPER careful with ourselves, and take SUPREME care to ensure that we don't "loose our sheet" nor trust our souls to the vagaries of  the "assumed competencies" of "purported specialists" in dealing with "us-types."  If it were ONLY that easy, then I would have "signed-up" to sucking in all manner of paid and attentive help available, a while back?!!!   I did "dip my toe" into that pool, (and wiggled it around a bit)......but without much need for debate, quickly recoiled!

    Perhaps, it would be helpful to be told that - due to your gift for honesty - you are obliged to dig deeper within yourself, to derive the WISDOM to know how to most appropriately "deploy" your honesty on the world?  Perhaps that this my "substitute" suggestion to you, because I don't "do" books and links and Youtube suggestions.

    In the vain of, and in the spirit of my post here (ie me proclaiming to be honest and open,) I must be honest with you.  The type of 'autists' that might be able to help you best here, are perhaps not around here (so much) in the volume and breadth that I might hope for, at the moment, and in accord with my perceptions of what this place can offer (at it's best!)

    Notwithstanding all of the above, dear AutismRox, I would ask you one, simple favour, please, mate = is this post to you even 'vaguely' sustaining or helpful to you.......or would you prefer me to pees off, and await for a stream of NAS and NHS links for "standardised and approved" help 'pathways.'

     And....btw....things do (in my experience) improve with age.  Things become clearer, more simple....and unashamedly "blunt" with age.....by default......ie, whether we (or anybody else) likes it, or not.

    I wish you my best.....whether you are heard from again, or not......please keep it "safe."

    In solidarity,

    Number.

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