Hating my honesty (and autism)

This is a subject I quite care about and have had to do quite a bit of work on over the years. So, hope something here helps!

Our communication difference with NTs can create all kinds of problems.

AutismRox said:

I have no idea how neurotypical people naturally just "know" when to be saying what.

NTs don’t just know. They communicate different than Autistics, so they’re getting all the context we cannot or can't quite catch. Something like 90% of communication is everything but the words (tone, gestures, signals and other cues).

I tend to think One problem with the truth as actually a difficulty not taking things at face value. Or a difficulty not getting 'lost in the logic'. In other words, following what is verbally stated, rather than being able to deduce the subtext. And while I can see how a few theatre classes had helped me navigate social nuance a little, I still didn't realise I had problems reading others. As a RULE, around 30, I started asking "how do you mean" before responding if I had the slightest confusion.  

I want to discuss some ways 'truth's were used against me. Trigger warning: violent parents.

My parents were divorced. Both most likely undiagnosed. One (most likely AuDHD) would get threateningly violent demanding the ‘truth’ over even the smallest issue - to where I found I could lie to avoid being hit. The other wasn't at all demanding, but then would openly disclose things I confided - insecurities or a difficulty. In reality, they weren’t trust-worthy with the truth. Truth at the expense of dignity is just undisciplined and immature.  

Truth can be used in all kinds of ways - to hurt others or to use for leverage. A ‘truth’ can bring someone to ruin. I had boyfriends who would ask what I didn’t like about myself and proceed to use the information in a manipulative way (how did I immediately know their using it was creepy, but still disclose when they asked?). The violent parent would accuse me of motives I didn’t have, and when I broke down crying because I felt so unseen and falsely accused by them, they would actually enjoy the moment of “calling out the truth” - which is really just a dopamine hit one gets when dominating others. Even though they had completely misrepresented, misperceived and projected their motives onto me. I had selective mutism when young. To this day I’ve never confronted them about this. 

Some truths are of grave consequence. Gravity, the exchange rate, having one’s bloods checked. A diagnostic, assessing damage to property, and so on. We can’t make a choice with out all the information. As autistics, we often don’t have all the information. 

Some truths aren’t helpful to share. Our bank account information, trade secrets that would lead to ruin, any unsolicited advice, or how depressingly ugly someone is. 

Truth isn’t always relative, but a ‘truth’ might not actually be true. 

If on principle, I want to be someone others feel safe around, it may mean being disciplined enough to withhold a ‘truth’ if 1. It’s not mine to share. 2. the truth cuts short a process of growth or leaves someone crushed. Here’s an analogy: If I look at a bud and think, “You’re not a flower!” And cut it off the stem, I’m simply being impatient. Technically, a bud is a flower, just as a catepillar is a butterfly. A kid is a goat and so on. The stage of being takes on varying shapes and expressions over time. On the same note, I have to ask: is my ‘truth’ is missing more context. 

Our ability to recognise what is true about things will change as we grow. As children, we may see a red thing, not quite understand it and even misidentify it. Take something basic: a giant plastic red gemstone we call a 'Ruby'. Around the same age we realise Father Christmas isn't real, we might have doubts about our ruby as well. Perhaps we then visit a natural museum exhibit with gemstones and geodes. Then later find a Pantone book of Shades of Red. As our understanding of how rocks are formed, how colours are created, and even how we're able to 'see' and perceive them with light - all of this knowledge helps shape our understanding of the real truth of a ruby. And some day we may meet a small child with a similar large plastic red toy gemstone and decide it's much easier to allow them a little fantasy than attempt to explain the crude oil and capitalism that formed their fake plastic ‘ruby’. 

“Truth” is a complex subject. In one sense, some facts need to be stable. Is the Earth flat or round? Which look-a-like mushrooms are deadly. But when it comes to variables in human relationships, we have to look to Ethics and principles as guides to follow. All truth has a price. Is my ‘truth’ opinion or speculation? Does it disclose intimate information? Has this person earned this information. Is my truth at the expense of another’s dignity? Is it at the expense of my livelihood. Is it gluttony, just a little indulgence, or am I starved for connexion and giving away the kingdom… 

At the end of the day, it’s always good to note: We don't actually owe just anyone 'the truth'. 

This is a subject I quite care about and have had to do quite a bit of work on over the years. So, hope something here helps!

Our communication difference with NTs can create all kinds of problems.

AutismRox said:

I have no idea how neurotypical people naturally just "know" when to be saying what.

NTs don’t just know. They communicate different than Autistics, so they’re getting all the context we cannot or can't quite catch. Something like 90% of communication is everything but the words (tone, gestures, signals and other cues).

I tend to think One problem with the truth as actually a difficulty not taking things at face value. Or a difficulty not getting 'lost in the logic'. In other words, following what is verbally stated, rather than being able to deduce the subtext. And while I can see how a few theatre classes had helped me navigate social nuance a little, I still didn't realise I had problems reading others. As a RULE, around 30, I started asking "how do you mean" before responding if I had the slightest confusion.  

I want to discuss some ways 'truth's were used against me. Trigger warning: violent parents.

My parents were divorced. Both most likely undiagnosed. One (most likely AuDHD) would get threateningly violent demanding the ‘truth’ over even the smallest issue - to where I found I could lie to avoid being hit. The other wasn't at all demanding, but then would openly disclose things I confided - insecurities or a difficulty. In reality, they weren’t trust-worthy with the truth. Truth at the expense of dignity is just undisciplined and immature.  

Truth can be used in all kinds of ways - to hurt others or to use for leverage. A ‘truth’ can bring someone to ruin. I had boyfriends who would ask what I didn’t like about myself and proceed to use the information in a manipulative way (how did I immediately know their using it was creepy, but still disclose when they asked?). The violent parent would accuse me of motives I didn’t have, and when I broke down crying because I felt so unseen and falsely accused by them, they would actually enjoy the moment of “calling out the truth” - which is really just a dopamine hit one gets when dominating others. Even though they had completely misrepresented, misperceived and projected their motives onto me. I had selective mutism when young. To this day I’ve never confronted them about this. 

Some truths are of grave consequence. Gravity, the exchange rate, having one’s bloods checked. A diagnostic, assessing damage to property, and so on. We can’t make a choice with out all the information. As autistics, we often don’t have all the information. 

Some truths aren’t helpful to share. Our bank account information, trade secrets that would lead to ruin, any unsolicited advice, or how depressingly ugly someone is. 

Truth isn’t always relative, but a ‘truth’ might not actually be true. 

If on principle, I want to be someone others feel safe around, it may mean being disciplined enough to withhold a ‘truth’ if 1. It’s not mine to share. 2. the truth cuts short a process of growth or leaves someone crushed. Here’s an analogy: If I look at a bud and think, “You’re not a flower!” And cut it off the stem, I’m simply being impatient. Technically, a bud is a flower, just as a catepillar is a butterfly. A kid is a goat and so on. The stage of being takes on varying shapes and expressions over time. On the same note, I have to ask: is my ‘truth’ is missing more context. 

Our ability to recognise what is true about things will change as we grow. As children, we may see a red thing, not quite understand it and even misidentify it. Take something basic: a giant plastic red gemstone we call a 'Ruby'. Around the same age we realise Father Christmas isn't real, we might have doubts about our ruby as well. Perhaps we then visit a natural museum exhibit with gemstones and geodes. Then later find a Pantone book of Shades of Red. As our understanding of how rocks are formed, how colours are created, and even how we're able to 'see' and perceive them with light - all of this knowledge helps shape our understanding of the real truth of a ruby. And some day we may meet a small child with a similar large plastic red toy gemstone and decide it's much easier to allow them a little fantasy than attempt to explain the crude oil and capitalism that formed their fake plastic ‘ruby’. 

“Truth” is a complex subject. In one sense, some facts need to be stable. Is the Earth flat or round? Which look-a-like mushrooms are deadly. But when it comes to variables in human relationships, we have to look to Ethics and principles as guides to follow. All truth has a price. Is my ‘truth’ opinion or speculation? Does it disclose intimate information? Has this person earned this information. Is my truth at the expense of another’s dignity? Is it at the expense of my livelihood. Is it gluttony, just a little indulgence, or am I starved for connexion and giving away the kingdom… 

At the end of the day, it’s always good to note: We don't actually owe just anyone 'the truth'. 

The depth, and "human stability," of your response has helped me enormously this (very) early morning.

Thank you Juniper.

With respect and thanks for your insight and sharing - even if not aimed at/for me!