Romance

Does anyone else worry that they won't find a romantic partner? 

I've had relationships but never been married, never lived with someone properly, only for days at a time.

I frequently hear things like "You need to be comfortable with yourself before you're able to be comfortable with others" when it comes to relationships but if anything, i am more than happy to be on my own for a frequent amount of time. It's finding the balance in a relationship without that person being neglected that I've struggled with.

For those of you in long term relationships, how have you made it work?

  • Disapointing to see that Hendrickx barely touches upon forming relationships and that her comments mostly seems to be focused on social anxiaty. It's been my observation profesionals discussing relationships and autism have strikingly little to say about forming relationships (especially romantic ones).

    Simply observing that you need to be able to go out and mix with people is so banal and obvious. I don't think autistic people like myself are single because they are afraid to go out and mingel. Or that it's because they are oblivious when people are intrested in them. I think it's because they struggel at that hurdel of atracting others. I've yet to see a professional that wants to touch that issue with a barge pole. No one wants to be accused of being the autistic persons instructional pick up artist but to my mind this is where the need is.

  • I believe ND relationships aren't the same as NT relationships so perhaps we shouldn't expect to have what they portray as normal - in our lives, if that makes sense.

    I am wondering if those who wrote fairy tales were Neurotypical or Neurodiverse.  I guess the former.  

    I wonder if those people who own and control all those dating sites are NT or ND too.   Just a thought.  

    Society expects that you follow certain pathways, and most of them involve conforming to NT standard.  But what if you aren't NT?  


    I also think some of us worry because nobody wants to end up alone, and feeling isolated - when ASD is already isolating in other ways.  The answer, I think, is look outside the box that the NTs are creating in terms of society & dating.  

    Just some thoughts. 

  • I’m not in a relationship, never have been, but I relate with your worries regarding this. I would love to be in a relationship but I worry it’s never going to happen. I love people, love the idea of having friends or a boyfriend but I struggle most around other people. It’s a weird thing and I can’t really understand or explain it.

    I hope things will change for you and you’ll find what you’re looking for. I desperately want to end up with someone but I have a horrible feeling it won’t happen.

  • I don't even know if I want one. I've never been in a proper relationship. Sometimes I worry that it'll never happen but I'm not sure mt worry is because I actually want it and don't have it or just that that is the expected thing in life and people will judge me for not doing it.

    I cannot imagine someone that would be tolerant to spend most of their time with me or someone that I could possibly like enough to be ok with spending most of my time with them.

  • It’s a good question. I have been married for more or less 32 years now, I was married at 21. To be honest I fell lucky never expected anybody would be interested in me. I’m  quite introverted didn’t know I was autistic then so hopeless at social stuff. Sometimes events just fall your way that’s what happened for me. We started as friends and things developed from there. She is very different to me which helps me a lot. She somehow puts up with my foibles!

  • We met in our late teens and we're now in our sixties. We were introduced by mutual friends. 

    We were lucky in that we found each other fascinating and although we've been through some awful times during our lives, being each other's best friend is what has kept us together.

    Some people say opposites attract, maybe they sometimes do but I can't see opposites staying together, I think you have to think the same way about most things to stay together.

    I wish you luck in finding a long term partner. 

  • Hi Thehopeavenue, 

    Thank you for posting to the community.

    Sarah Hendrickx, an independent coach who specialises in autism, did this interview with the NAS on successful relationships which may be useful to you: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/successful-relationships

    You might also want to try using our service directory to find a coach who who specialises in autism and relationships: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

    I hope this helps. 

    Gina Mod