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Coping with death

Wan

Hello I have autistic and ADHD. I'm 29 and I live with my parents. I'm not as independent as I would like but I struggle in many ways like with cooking and finances, I'm ashamed to admit I don't think I could live on my own. My parents aren't just my parents they are my best friends and life without them is unimaginable. I lost my gran in 2020 and it affected me badly, my mental health turned bad and for a time I was detained in a mental health facility to keep me safe. Being detained wasn't a good experience and I still think it was perhaps an overreaction on the professional side of things.

However it has since made me wonder how I would cope if either of my parents died. I know they will as is natural of all living things but I wonder how those of you who are autistic have coped when people close to you have died? 

Based on my past experience I fear I won't cope well but I'm a bit older now and have gained many life lessons in that time. I know myself better and have my confirmed diagnosis's of autism and ADHD, both of which have brought me a lot of peace as they answered questions of why I never fitted in anywhere.

On the face of it I haven't changed much on the outside but on the inside I feel I can understand myself better than I did four years ago. I struggle with processing basic every day changes and for me death has proven to be the biggest change that has occurred in my life so far. I'm due to see a grief counsellor to help with my question here and to fully mourn my gran, whom I still miss now and have never really processed losing here.

I'm new here BTW. Nice to meet you.

  • Dear Wan,

    Welcome to the community. I am really sorry to hear about your recent loss, but it sounds inspiring to hear how much life lessons and inner peace you have gained over the years. I am sure many others will feel inspired by your stories too. It sounds like you are taking positive and healthy steps towards inner peace (e.g., reflecting on your past experiences, booking meetings with a grief counsellor etc.).

    In addition to your existing plans, you might want to visit the following:

    NAS Bereavement - a guide for autistic adults - this page has detailed information about how autistic individuals might process and express their grief, and the positive actions they can take to deal with death. 

    NAS Types of Welfare Benefits - this page gives readers an overview about the different types of welfare benefits they can claim, what they mean, whether they qualify and how they can claim each benefit. For instance a Personal Independence Payment (PIP) benefits anyone aged 16-64 years old who would like more support with independent living activities like 'cooking and finances'.

    Thanks again for reaching out and I wish you all the best.

    Kind regards,

    Good_Vibes365.

  • Hello Wan, welcome to the site.

    Wan said:
    I'm due to see a grief counsellor to help with my question here and to fully mourn my gran, whom I still miss now and have never really processed losing here.

    I think this is one best left for the professionals (ie your grief counsellor), but please make sure they are skilled in helping autists as we tend to deal with grief differently to neurotypicals.

    I would ask the for their plan to help me through this, how they will adapt their technique to allow for my autism and how many other autists they have helped through this same process.

    If they can't answer ALL of these convincingly then I would be dropping them and finding one who can - not structuring their plans to cope with out autistic traits is almost certainly going to lead to confusion and a less successful outcome.

    Wan said:
    I wonder how those of you who are autistic have coped when people close to you have died? 

    When my father died (I was in my 30s) I largely bottled up the emotional side and coped with all the practicalities - it was tough dealing with my grieving mother and all the attention from relatives & family friends but luckily I lived in another country at the time so I could escape the lasting effects.

    At the time I took the opportunity to celebrate the good things about him and remember all the joy he brought to the family but to keep looking forward on how to help my mother deal with life on her own. Accepting his passing and focussing on the future seems the best way for me.

    You cannot stop life from moving on so wallowing in the loss of another only damages you in my view - he wouldn't have wanted me to struggle so I took what I thought he would have wanted and became a source of strenght and support for my mother.

    It took 2 decades until I was diagnosed as autistic and found a therapist skilled in autism who was able to help me unpack all of this and grieve for my father and learn to recall him for his good and bad aspects - seeing him as a flawed human but forgiving him none the less.