• Replies 12 replies
  • Subscribers 85 subscribers
  • Views 537 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

New to the forum

Kharazim

Hi all,

I suspect I may be on the spectrum and wanted to express how I feel.

I'm well into my 30's and only just considering this possibility partly because I knew nothing about autisim before, I wrote it off as a possibility before learning about it as I have a career, a house, a wife and now a baby so I appear to function and manage to do what is considered normal 'so I can't be surely?' so I thought. I have been questioned whether I think I may be by people close to me including my wife over the years and decided to consider it recently as I find life a struggle at times and I've always known I'm different. I just explained alot of things which make me different with various explanations e.g. I'm very introverted, it's normal to have hobbies, maybe I'm just not a social person, I'm just a bit of a daydreamer, I'm not a people person, maybe my social skills aren't my strong point etc. etc.

Maybe I'm not, I'm not a professional or haven't seen one and I'm not precious over labels infact I rather not be labelled if I can avoid it. However, I went through a long list of things which may indicate someone may be and I started to connect the dots, these many things may actually all be connected which I never considered before. I either brushed them off as strong character traits or blamed myself for not doing more to develop my weaknesses for example. Most of them I never really thought about and just lived with as a challenge of life, I started to realise how much on this list which I strongly relate to probably doesn't apply to 'normal' people and hence is not part of an average life.

For excample, it sounds stupid in hindsight but the fact it took me until my 30's, over 15 years of work, before I could look people in the eyes much as they talk to me or I talk to them, still not 100% but miles better than before. I pushed myself for all those years to try and overcome it as it put a real hinderance on my social and work life and I just always put it down to me having poor social skills but couldn't understand why? Then there is discovering that acting around people to fit in and observing people to learn how and copy them is called masking apparently and it's something I just did without much thought just to get through life socially.

All my life I've struggled with what seemed like everyday things for people around me but I couldn't figure out why. Is there something I need to learn? Maybe a skill I need to develop? Could I just be broken? Always got the feeling of being a square peg in a round hole of life.

All of it wouldn't bother me if life wasn't such a struggle when objectively it's good and I get frustrated at struggling with what seem like straight forward things. It's taken all my energy to achieve what seems like 'normal' things like a job etc. You feel the pressure, especially as a man, to pull your weight so struggling with things really puts the pressure on and can burn you out. You can feel the judgement of people who question why you struggle? What the problem is? If you struggle with 'normal' things then you must be useless or stupid. You feel like people look down on you. I'm an engineer, I design things so I'm probably not but I'm not well rounded either.

I'm at a point where I've discovered things which make life a bit easier through my own deduction but I'd like to find more ways to make life less of a daily struggle espeically now I have a family and work still weighs down on me hard, but don't know where to start.

Thanks.

Parents

  • Hello Kharazim Welcome to the forum. Hope you find it useful here. I’m in my 60s and was assessed and diagnosed only two months ago. I was similar to you in that I doubted that my traits were truly a sign of being autistic yet couldn’t let go of the possibility that I might be. I struggled to look people in the eye when growing up, but my mother was always drumming into us that we would be considered shifty if we didn’t. I continue to find it difficult to look people in the eye but can manage it by masking. Like you, every day life was a struggle, and still is, but easier now because I’m not working. I think you may find that now you have begun looking into autism and will probably be looking at various resources, you will discover how masking can be exhausting and learn the important self care techniques that are workable for you. One thing I can add to to the tips and resources mentioned, is to have a look at the books available on kindle from Amazon. If you are a Prime member and you buy a kindle book, you can usually return it if you find it isn’t for you. After diagnosis, I read many samples of books on kindle and bought quite a few, although II did return two books because they didn’t reflect my experience. Happy journeying!

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks this makes me feel less alone with it. I realised if I didn't look people in the eye they treated me differently, didn't always connect with me and maybe didn't trust me as much. As much as work has been brutal at times, it has forced me into developing these things. I did wonder why I was so tired so often after what seemed like not a big deal and it's the masking as you say. I didn't even know what it was until recently, I thought I was just doing what everyone does all these years to then realise I do it way more than the average person. I feel like an actor.

    I'll check out the resources and books but my challenge is I'm not good at reading books, despite doing 2 degrees and reading about various interests or for my job, I still struggle with reading things like books.

Reply
  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks this makes me feel less alone with it. I realised if I didn't look people in the eye they treated me differently, didn't always connect with me and maybe didn't trust me as much. As much as work has been brutal at times, it has forced me into developing these things. I did wonder why I was so tired so often after what seemed like not a big deal and it's the masking as you say. I didn't even know what it was until recently, I thought I was just doing what everyone does all these years to then realise I do it way more than the average person. I feel like an actor.

    I'll check out the resources and books but my challenge is I'm not good at reading books, despite doing 2 degrees and reading about various interests or for my job, I still struggle with reading things like books.

Children