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Kharazim

Hi all,

I suspect I may be on the spectrum and wanted to express how I feel.

I'm well into my 30's and only just considering this possibility partly because I knew nothing about autisim before, I wrote it off as a possibility before learning about it as I have a career, a house, a wife and now a baby so I appear to function and manage to do what is considered normal 'so I can't be surely?' so I thought. I have been questioned whether I think I may be by people close to me including my wife over the years and decided to consider it recently as I find life a struggle at times and I've always known I'm different. I just explained alot of things which make me different with various explanations e.g. I'm very introverted, it's normal to have hobbies, maybe I'm just not a social person, I'm just a bit of a daydreamer, I'm not a people person, maybe my social skills aren't my strong point etc. etc.

Maybe I'm not, I'm not a professional or haven't seen one and I'm not precious over labels infact I rather not be labelled if I can avoid it. However, I went through a long list of things which may indicate someone may be and I started to connect the dots, these many things may actually all be connected which I never considered before. I either brushed them off as strong character traits or blamed myself for not doing more to develop my weaknesses for example. Most of them I never really thought about and just lived with as a challenge of life, I started to realise how much on this list which I strongly relate to probably doesn't apply to 'normal' people and hence is not part of an average life.

For excample, it sounds stupid in hindsight but the fact it took me until my 30's, over 15 years of work, before I could look people in the eyes much as they talk to me or I talk to them, still not 100% but miles better than before. I pushed myself for all those years to try and overcome it as it put a real hinderance on my social and work life and I just always put it down to me having poor social skills but couldn't understand why? Then there is discovering that acting around people to fit in and observing people to learn how and copy them is called masking apparently and it's something I just did without much thought just to get through life socially.

All my life I've struggled with what seemed like everyday things for people around me but I couldn't figure out why. Is there something I need to learn? Maybe a skill I need to develop? Could I just be broken? Always got the feeling of being a square peg in a round hole of life.

All of it wouldn't bother me if life wasn't such a struggle when objectively it's good and I get frustrated at struggling with what seem like straight forward things. It's taken all my energy to achieve what seems like 'normal' things like a job etc. You feel the pressure, especially as a man, to pull your weight so struggling with things really puts the pressure on and can burn you out. You can feel the judgement of people who question why you struggle? What the problem is? If you struggle with 'normal' things then you must be useless or stupid. You feel like people look down on you. I'm an engineer, I design things so I'm probably not but I'm not well rounded either.

I'm at a point where I've discovered things which make life a bit easier through my own deduction but I'd like to find more ways to make life less of a daily struggle espeically now I have a family and work still weighs down on me hard, but don't know where to start.

Thanks.

  • in reply to Kharazim

    I was recently introduced to an autistic person with a PhD who still can’t tie shoe laces! 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Also, I took the AQ-50. I dislike questionaires like this, the questions never have context and there is no nuance so I'm never sure if I've answered correctly for myself on some questions. I scored 35 which is apparently on the high side.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks this makes me feel less alone with it. I realised if I didn't look people in the eye they treated me differently, didn't always connect with me and maybe didn't trust me as much. As much as work has been brutal at times, it has forced me into developing these things. I did wonder why I was so tired so often after what seemed like not a big deal and it's the masking as you say. I didn't even know what it was until recently, I thought I was just doing what everyone does all these years to then realise I do it way more than the average person. I feel like an actor.

    I'll check out the resources and books but my challenge is I'm not good at reading books, despite doing 2 degrees and reading about various interests or for my job, I still struggle with reading things like books.

  • Hello Kharazim Welcome to the forum. Hope you find it useful here. I’m in my 60s and was assessed and diagnosed only two months ago. I was similar to you in that I doubted that my traits were truly a sign of being autistic yet couldn’t let go of the possibility that I might be. I struggled to look people in the eye when growing up, but my mother was always drumming into us that we would be considered shifty if we didn’t. I continue to find it difficult to look people in the eye but can manage it by masking. Like you, every day life was a struggle, and still is, but easier now because I’m not working. I think you may find that now you have begun looking into autism and will probably be looking at various resources, you will discover how masking can be exhausting and learn the important self care techniques that are workable for you. One thing I can add to to the tips and resources mentioned, is to have a look at the books available on kindle from Amazon. If you are a Prime member and you buy a kindle book, you can usually return it if you find it isn’t for you. After diagnosis, I read many samples of books on kindle and bought quite a few, although II did return two books because they didn’t reflect my experience. Happy journeying!

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thanks for the information. There is so much out there it can be overwhelming but I will look at this.

    At this point I'm not sure whether there is much point in getting a diagnosis unless it can actually help, I just want to make life easier and blend in the best I can. I'm sure there are others out there who need it more than I do and I know waiting times are long.

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    I've always struggled to get the thoughts in my head into words but I can relate to the feeling antii-social which I've never wanted to be but I'm just naturally very inwards focused and just don't generally do friends. Although I do struggle dealing with people at times, I do enjoy time with people sometimes so I'm not convinced I am anti-social.

    The hobby thing was never on my radar as I just thought I was someone who had hobbies until I realised the average people probably doesn't get completely engrossed in them so intensly and have so many e.g. playing instruments, foreign languages, programming etc. etc. alsorts of random things.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Thanks I like your approach. I have been doing this over the last couple of decades with certain things after realising I had to try something. A couple of my examples are eye contact and being more social / conducting everyday conversations and trying to keep them going. Sure it may still be a lot of masking but I do it for the benefit of others too and practise makes it easier and more effective. From the things which I have got better at it has definitley made my life easier. I know I may never be 100% natural at these things but I agree, it's worth the time and effort.

  • Hi Kharazim,

    I am also new-ish to working things out around Autism.

    Maybe you have been finding likewise: I feel there seems to be a lot of new information to consider.  I was finding that challenging.

    More recently, I have been adopting the tactic of deciding on one thing at a time (which I find a struggle, or a puzzle, or frustrating).  That week; I look into the topic and have a think about things.  The next week I try out an idea, or two, (which are a new idea of how to apply things I have studied and reflected upon).  I keep doing the things which I have found more helpful (I try not to worry about things which didn't suit me).  Then I move on to the next topic. 

    It sounds a bit of a slow process - but I find refining / adopting new habits, for me, requires a manageable pace (so I will keep practicing the new strategy).

    This week I got myself a pair of ear defenders (because I have been warned that (all) next week there will be protracted roadworks / drainage digging in our street, - right by my house.  I wouldn't usually use ear defenders inside my home - it will be an experiment.  If it doesn't work out well?  I guess "Plan B" needs to be devised for spending more time away from home than usual!

    Good luck for your journey of discovery too.

  • Hi and welcome to the community! I relate to a lot of your story. I wish you find here support and connections 

  • Hi Kharazim, welcome to the forums. I share a very similiar position, after 50 years plus with 30 years at work! Mine revelation was a bit more of a lightning bolt having never considered myself as being Autistic. I thought of myself as a bit of a straight talker, pretty anti social, very intense hobbies,etc etc. Its been a rough couple of weeks but slowly getting my head back together. Wish you well on your journey Slight smile

  • By way of some "quick start" advice / tips, I'll also just mention this book. It's the first one that I bought after my own autism diagnosis, and it enabled me to make some useful changes straight away:

    Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!   

  • Hi Kharazim and welcome to the community!

    Many of us here are "late realised" and/or "late diagnosed", so you're in good company! :)

    For a general introduction to the various aspects of autism, along with links to learn more about both the types of difficulties we can experience, and some strategies that we can use to help us cope better, I'd suggest starting here:

    NAS - What is autism?

    If you're considering seeking a formal diagnosis, I'd suggest reading through the resources in the NAS's recently revamped diagnosis hub:

    NAS - diagnosis hub

    They cover all stages of the process, with each section containing several articles relating to that stage:

    • Before diagnosis
    • Assessment and diagnosis 
    • After diagnosis 

    For example, these articles (from "Before diagnosis") might be particularly helpful at this point:

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

    NAS - How to request an autism assessment

    For those living in England, the second article includes information about Right to Choose, which enables access to private assessment providers who might have shorter waiting lists than the NHS, but with your referral and assessment still fully funded by the NHS.

    The NAS articles include links to some screening questionnaires that you might like to complete, to get a better idea of whether your suspicions might be correct. However, you might prefer to use the website below for this.

    The site below also includes some very useful commentary for each questionnaire, and enables them to be completed online (with scores calculated for you), saved as PDFs and - if the results support your suspicions and you decide to seek a formal diagnosis - printed off to take with you to the GP.

    The AQ-10 or AQ-50 seem to be the most frequently used / required by GPs in support of NHS referrals. (RAADS-R might also be helpful, although some recent research has thrown doubt on its validity as a screening tool):

    Embrace Autism - screening tests