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Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

Samuel50

I'm a bit new to this, but I've been reading a lot about masking, and most of the comments are about avoiding it in order to reduce stress.

I have observed my own behaviour, and there seem to be some circumstances where I feel I'd actually like to cover up my autistic traits more rather than less, now I'm aware of them.

For example, by default I am convinced in my head that if I just explain how I am right about something, and provide sufficient (at least 18 bullet points) steamrolling evidence then everyone else will fall into line.

In the real world, this doesn't work. People think I'm dominating and don't think they get a word in. So I think I'd like to take a step back and think about how my communications might be received by others.

I suppose I'm asking where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable.

Implied in the question is my assumption that I can be both autistic and rude at the same time!

Thank you.

Parents

  • This is, of course, only my experience but pre diagnosis I have always for most of my adult life seen my blunt honesty as just that. My worldview had been that people run around being openly dishonest with no real reason to lie. I've always valued people willing to hear honesty and honest opinions without the baggage of 'oh but that isn't very nice'.

    My family honestly were some of the ones most impacted by this - I hate birthdays and christmas and always have. I'll put endless effort into looking for gifts for people important to me, but beyond giving a gift I don't want to receive gifts, nor do I want to engage in any celebrations. Despite this you still get family members claiming 'its the thought that counts' when they've put no thought into the purchase of a gift that was just a waste of money. Then they get all offended when I tell them as such. To me, this all make logical sense. It's all obvious. That said I'm aware that to other people it comes across as rude without a diplomatic phrasing. Over time my go-to became 'I don't like Christmas and Birthdays, save your money and spend it instead on something bigger for someone more important like my siblings'.

    I've done this in so much more of my life too in different ways though. And like you I will have done more research on most matters I'm willing to converse about that I'll know that I'm most likely correct. Despite this, people don't want to hear it. Instead preferring to trust more in what feels correct to them. 

    I turned 39 in the last week and was diagnosed a little over a month ago. My viewpoint now is honestly - to hell with it. Masking brought burnout, which thankfully brought with it the assessment for and diagnosis of autism. I don't care any more if people see me as rude. I genuinely don't think that I can afford to mask up any more. Not if burnout is the cost of masking. 

    For additional context, I masked very heavily after the lockdowns lifted. Having lost my job, I was solely focused on working toward moving in with and getting married to my fiancee. So, I began to try doing all the 'normal' and 'sensible' things. For that I received more frequent anxiety attacks, pretty heavy depression and fatigue. It all started bubbling and building under the surface until I got covid. Which was like being forced to stop everything. I hit a metaphorical wall and came to a total stop. That was nearly three years ago now. I am only just beginning to feel like I understand what caused me to burnout so severely.

    So I say again - for me - if burnout is the cost, then masking is not worth it to me. The world and people in it can either accept me or not.

  • in reply to martintheactor

    I see myself in a lot of what you've said. I'm only a few years older than you, but have just been my authentic self for many years now. My friends are long standing and aware of my differences (as well as my diagnosis)

    Masking is something I do in very few situations. I too get frustrated by Christmas, the many social 'rules of engagement' and any inauthenticity/dishonesty (but for a few rare situations)

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  • in reply to martintheactor

    I see myself in a lot of what you've said. I'm only a few years older than you, but have just been my authentic self for many years now. My friends are long standing and aware of my differences (as well as my diagnosis)

    Masking is something I do in very few situations. I too get frustrated by Christmas, the many social 'rules of engagement' and any inauthenticity/dishonesty (but for a few rare situations)

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