• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 436 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Ignorant parents help

Scrappydoo

Hello! I'm new here and actually quite new to my diagnosis of ADHD and Autism and need some advice on how to handle ignorance from parents.

I was diagnosed in Septembet 2024 at age 31. When I told my parents they didn't really think much of it and said it was good I have a diagnosis and can get support. Now fast forward 4 months later when having a conversation with my mum via video chat (my dad was also in the background) we got onto talking about Autism. My mum said the usual "everyone has a bit of Autism" when I tried to explain to her how things affect me she just said "but you've always been weird" my dad also agreed to her saying this. 

My parents and I usually have a good solid relationship but as of the past year my mum and I have drifted massively she even said this is down to my behaviour and attitude (I also have. Bipolar disorder - but that's another story for another day) and I thought to myself being around some people is actually very toxic for me and they bring me down so I was pulling away from those people.

Hearing my parents be so nonchalant about my struggles and calling me weird really deeply hurt me as I've always felt weird and struggled with fitting in being my true self and I got upset and shut down and have decided to stop contact with my parents again. Even though its been over 4 months since my diagnosis I'm still finding it so difficult to accept, I feel embarrassed to be autistic as I am quite high functioning and I wonder if this is why my parents refuse to believe I am autistic because the only Autism they've ever seen is the likes of what's portrayed in the media like Rainman or those who are non speaking autistic. 

Am I doing the right thing in cutting off my parents and essentially my family? I have tried to educate them on the topics of neurodiversity but it gets me nowhere. I did cut off my family but a few weeks later my mum almost died and it brought the contact again

  • you are good man an it’s nice to meet you again my English is not much better so forgive me in my grammar mistakes 

  • Good morning Scrappydoo,

    Welcome to the community and congratulations on your diagnosis. We hope you find help and support in our community. 

    I am very sorry to read your post. On the National Autistic Society website we have a Advice and Guidance section. I have had a look through and found some pages that may be useful to you and if you feel you can, you could share them with your parents to help them understand. 

    We have section here dedicated to emotional support for the family. There are further links if you wish to explore the subject further. Please find the link here: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis/emotional-support-for-family-members-after-a-diagn#Common%20reactions%20to%20a%20family%20member%E2%80%99s%20diagnosis

    After Diagnosis section may also be useful. Please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

    I really hope you find these useful. 

    With best wishes, 

    Anna Mod

  • Hello,

    I am a newbie too and though now in my early 40s, I’m still awaiting diagnosis. I can relate to what you have said completely as my family and also in laws family in some cases have responded in similar ways. They are older generation and in my husbands side believe rhe old version of autism as it presented in boys and an understanding which is now about 20 years out of date as some of the self same people have worked in education so feel they know what autism is. On the other side I have my family who also feel they know as we have other people in the family who are autistic and or have mental health difficulties. Since I lost my husband in my 20s to cancer, they have been telling me that my every issue is due to bereavement and mental health, and I’ve now discovered this was very wrong of them as they aren’t experts in any of these areas and they were WRONG. I have struggled mu whole life with lack of understanding due to masking and being an undiagnosed autistic women. None of this has sunk in and I’m also worried as my parents may have to contribute to nhs assessments at some point soon. I can remember numerous examples of how autism impacted me as a child but they don’t. I think they are scared like someone said in comments, and they are worried it reflects on them as parents in the past. I also went through a period after losing my husband of trying to cut them out a bit, as I couldn’t cope with all their emotions on top of mine. I still feel I’m at the start of a journey into  self discovery but I can relate to what you are feeling here and the thoughts around cutting your family out as they may not be positive right now. They do sound quite similar to my dad who would routinely come out with things like people are weird etc. He is an older generation and does not get how that’s hurtful to say and he finds himself quite funny also when he says some pretty hurtful things. So do you have to make a decision now about cutting them out? I sometimes reflect back to think I felt I had to decide one way or another due to how I was feeling and thinking, but my parents have and never will change regardless. I guess it’s that bit about caring less about how others see you but it’s super hard especially with family. 

  • Hi, welcome to the community! It’s really hard to advise wether you should cut your parents off or not, I think best it would be discuss it with therapist. You may also consider keeping some contact but avoiding this topic and you can tell your parents you don’t want ti discuss it with them anymore. My mom and sis also don’t accept that my therapist suspects me autistic. my sister said that autistic people are those who don’t have any need for any friendships or relationships and my mom told me autistic children are those who only spin around or make certain sound whole day and I was nothing like this. I know I can’t discuss with them because I’m slower processing do they always win because they are faster and talk more than me. Both said I’m weird and always was, but not autistic. And I closed this topic with them and not informing them about anything more related to my mental health. Everyone situation is different, I think that forcing yourself to stay in touch with totally toxic people is damaging if it’s your case, but also cutting off the family is a difficult decision. Especially if they are the only people you have. I think best would be consider it carefully,,talk to someone you trust. Here in the forum we all are strangers, so can’t really advice about such a sensitive matter. 
    Edit : wanna ad one thing- many parents just don’t want to accept the fact that their child has some disorder.