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Salve

White_Dragon

I wanted to say hello to the forum and share a little of my story.

Let me start by saying that I knew very little about Autism, if someone would have asked me, honestly I would think about the boy in the TV programme the 'A word' or maybe the film 'Something about Mary' with the lad with the headphones who doesn't like being touched. That was the extent of my knowledge, not good I know but that was what I thought. Not really given any thought at all, but I guess my view was pretty negative.

My eldest daughter has thought that she is autistic but not really thought about it and it did make any sense to me, as she is articulate, looks quite social (a lot more than me) and has done well as school, university, got a job and married etc....she thought her brother was autistic as well but that also did not make sense to me either.

Anyway, let me carry on with my story. I am 53 years old, married with three kids, qualified accountant and holding down a senior job with managing a large team of people. If I am honest with myself I have been struggling mentally for many years, not sure exactly how many but certainly the last decade has been very tough mentally. I'm not great at understanding emotions/feelings and not good about talking about them. My stance has always been to hide them and keep going, not let others in and I mean no-one. I have struggled probably with anxiety for multiple years but battled on and maybe tried a few self help things like books, audio stuff etc. Most week-ends and evenings I have been exhausted and pretty much spent the time by myself. Not really thought so much about it thought it was the long hours of the job, travelling etc etc.

Then maybe a couple of weeks I started watching Patience on channel 4, a programme about an autistic girl who helps the police solve crime. This did make me stop and think as there were elements of how she was that I could identify with. I have always had a very strong memory for facts and a good visual memory too. Her directness, some of her behaviour, etc

That really got me thinking, was I autistic? I did not think so...how could I be? I can speak to people, even manage people at work and so on. 

I spoke to my wife about it and she agreed with me, she told me about some online tests that my daughter had done which made me curious. I looked them up and at the same time started to read about Autism and what exactly it was. This sent my mind spinning as many of the traits fit...ok not every one but a lot. I did the tests and I mean pretty much all of them I could find and were recommended. I was shocked to discover that according to these diagnostic tests I was autistic. Since then I have repeated these tests, I know stupid but something must have gone wrong. I must have answered something incorrectly, surely?

My mind was and still is on overdrive, I have watched a load stuff on Youtube, podcasts, articles etc and the more I read the more I could see the pattern. But I think it was the masking thing that finally hit home. I had no idea about masking whatsoever and then reading/watching a load stuff on it I realised that is exactly what I have been doing for years and years. This blew my mind! I'm still struggling with it now, my mind is pretty much broken...

I've been a wreck for the last week, I couldn't face going to work and have barely left the house. I really don't know who I am anymore? Its very unclear to me as to what I do now, I keep going around in circles, how can things go back to what they were? Can I go back now, I can't undo what I know now? I have always thought of myself as strong minded and it doesn't sit well looking at where I am now.

Sorry for the long post and probably not said everything I meant to say! 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the forum.

    Your story is very similar to mine. I only discovered that I was on the autism spectrum in my fifties, after watching a documentary featuring an autistic woman, and I was also shocked by my test results after doing the AQ50 online. But then things started to make sense.

    I did speak to a doctor about it, and he advised that even if I got a formal diagnosis I wouldn't get any support, so it would not really make any difference to my life. I thought about it and decided not to, because I would find it stressful talking to medical professionals about personal stuff and I felt there wasn't much point getting a label that didn't change anything in my life. But I understand that many people like the reassurance and validation of a formal diagnosis - it's a very personal and completely up to each individual to make that decision. Whether you get one or not you are welcome to stay here.

    Just be patient with and kind to yourself - you are still the same person you always were, but look.at this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and use that to ensure you set up things in your life to make it the best you possibly can. Keep reading and ask us anything you want.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the forum.

    Your story is very similar to mine. I only discovered that I was on the autism spectrum in my fifties, after watching a documentary featuring an autistic woman, and I was also shocked by my test results after doing the AQ50 online. But then things started to make sense.

    I did speak to a doctor about it, and he advised that even if I got a formal diagnosis I wouldn't get any support, so it would not really make any difference to my life. I thought about it and decided not to, because I would find it stressful talking to medical professionals about personal stuff and I felt there wasn't much point getting a label that didn't change anything in my life. But I understand that many people like the reassurance and validation of a formal diagnosis - it's a very personal and completely up to each individual to make that decision. Whether you get one or not you are welcome to stay here.

    Just be patient with and kind to yourself - you are still the same person you always were, but look.at this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and use that to ensure you set up things in your life to make it the best you possibly can. Keep reading and ask us anything you want.

Children
  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks Pixiefox for writing back to me I do appreciate it. It does sound very similar I've haven't had many positive experiences with doctors that puts me off, despite being rubbish at telling people stuff especially personal topics. Only recently and I mean in the last days have told some things to my wife and she is the closest person to me. I found that very draining and upsetting. Thats where my thoughts are right now about pursuing the medical route, even if I could somehow start the process I am not sure what I would do with any kind of answers. I certainly have not shared anything to anybody but my wife and no way would I involve my father and others in anything like that! I do want to learn more about things and appreciate all the information provided.