• Replies 13 replies
  • Subscribers 85 subscribers
  • Views 829 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Salve

White_Dragon

I wanted to say hello to the forum and share a little of my story.

Let me start by saying that I knew very little about Autism, if someone would have asked me, honestly I would think about the boy in the TV programme the 'A word' or maybe the film 'Something about Mary' with the lad with the headphones who doesn't like being touched. That was the extent of my knowledge, not good I know but that was what I thought. Not really given any thought at all, but I guess my view was pretty negative.

My eldest daughter has thought that she is autistic but not really thought about it and it did make any sense to me, as she is articulate, looks quite social (a lot more than me) and has done well as school, university, got a job and married etc....she thought her brother was autistic as well but that also did not make sense to me either.

Anyway, let me carry on with my story. I am 53 years old, married with three kids, qualified accountant and holding down a senior job with managing a large team of people. If I am honest with myself I have been struggling mentally for many years, not sure exactly how many but certainly the last decade has been very tough mentally. I'm not great at understanding emotions/feelings and not good about talking about them. My stance has always been to hide them and keep going, not let others in and I mean no-one. I have struggled probably with anxiety for multiple years but battled on and maybe tried a few self help things like books, audio stuff etc. Most week-ends and evenings I have been exhausted and pretty much spent the time by myself. Not really thought so much about it thought it was the long hours of the job, travelling etc etc.

Then maybe a couple of weeks I started watching Patience on channel 4, a programme about an autistic girl who helps the police solve crime. This did make me stop and think as there were elements of how she was that I could identify with. I have always had a very strong memory for facts and a good visual memory too. Her directness, some of her behaviour, etc

That really got me thinking, was I autistic? I did not think so...how could I be? I can speak to people, even manage people at work and so on. 

I spoke to my wife about it and she agreed with me, she told me about some online tests that my daughter had done which made me curious. I looked them up and at the same time started to read about Autism and what exactly it was. This sent my mind spinning as many of the traits fit...ok not every one but a lot. I did the tests and I mean pretty much all of them I could find and were recommended. I was shocked to discover that according to these diagnostic tests I was autistic. Since then I have repeated these tests, I know stupid but something must have gone wrong. I must have answered something incorrectly, surely?

My mind was and still is on overdrive, I have watched a load stuff on Youtube, podcasts, articles etc and the more I read the more I could see the pattern. But I think it was the masking thing that finally hit home. I had no idea about masking whatsoever and then reading/watching a load stuff on it I realised that is exactly what I have been doing for years and years. This blew my mind! I'm still struggling with it now, my mind is pretty much broken...

I've been a wreck for the last week, I couldn't face going to work and have barely left the house. I really don't know who I am anymore? Its very unclear to me as to what I do now, I keep going around in circles, how can things go back to what they were? Can I go back now, I can't undo what I know now? I have always thought of myself as strong minded and it doesn't sit well looking at where I am now.

Sorry for the long post and probably not said everything I meant to say! 

Parents

  • Autism is often presented as limiting the things that autistic people can do. In reality, for autistic people who do not have co-occurring  intellectual disability, it is often more the case that autistic people can do all that neurotypical people do, except it is much more difficult and more exhausting. Before I realised that I was autistic (subsequently diagnosed), I thought that most people had similar problems to me, but were just stronger and more capable in dealing with them. In fact, most people do not have the problems I have and I am stronger than they are, because I cope with difficulties they can hardly imagine on a daily basis. Being mentally strong and being autistic are not incompatible at all.

Reply

  • Autism is often presented as limiting the things that autistic people can do. In reality, for autistic people who do not have co-occurring  intellectual disability, it is often more the case that autistic people can do all that neurotypical people do, except it is much more difficult and more exhausting. Before I realised that I was autistic (subsequently diagnosed), I thought that most people had similar problems to me, but were just stronger and more capable in dealing with them. In fact, most people do not have the problems I have and I am stronger than they are, because I cope with difficulties they can hardly imagine on a daily basis. Being mentally strong and being autistic are not incompatible at all.

Children
  • in reply to Martin

    What Martin said. You're still the same person, diagnosis, even self diagnosis doesn't take away the things that you've got, the things you've learned, you just know a bit more about yourself.

    The thing with masking, is that I think everyone does it to some extent, I think ASC people are more aware of it and are increasingly made more aware of it and it can sometime be hard not to think that we've been lying to people all these years and feel guilt for presenting ourselves falsly. But we're not, NT's mask too, we all have a work face, a home face, a being with parents, older family members face. We put on and take off these faces according to the situation, I think us autists are more aware of authenticity our need for it and the lack of it in those around us. I think we're often more aware of the games NT's play, all the social stuff, the "rules of engagement", it's exhausting trying to work out which combination of games are being played and even more so, do we want to play and if we do, what part do we play?

    I think ASC people are often stronger, because we've had more challenges, we're used to not fitting in, or feeling uncomfortable, we're also used to feeling comfortable in situations and groups, it's why we don't like change. Some people find any change hard to cope with, as routine gives us a sense of control in an often chaotic world.

    I think you sound like a nice well balanced person, you've achieved all these things in life, relationship, family, a good job, have you ever thought that instead of achieving these things despite autism, you've achieved them because of autism?

  • in reply to Martin

    Thanks Martin & Overwhelmed for your input, hopefully things will calm