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Salve

White_Dragon

I wanted to say hello to the forum and share a little of my story.

Let me start by saying that I knew very little about Autism, if someone would have asked me, honestly I would think about the boy in the TV programme the 'A word' or maybe the film 'Something about Mary' with the lad with the headphones who doesn't like being touched. That was the extent of my knowledge, not good I know but that was what I thought. Not really given any thought at all, but I guess my view was pretty negative.

My eldest daughter has thought that she is autistic but not really thought about it and it did make any sense to me, as she is articulate, looks quite social (a lot more than me) and has done well as school, university, got a job and married etc....she thought her brother was autistic as well but that also did not make sense to me either.

Anyway, let me carry on with my story. I am 53 years old, married with three kids, qualified accountant and holding down a senior job with managing a large team of people. If I am honest with myself I have been struggling mentally for many years, not sure exactly how many but certainly the last decade has been very tough mentally. I'm not great at understanding emotions/feelings and not good about talking about them. My stance has always been to hide them and keep going, not let others in and I mean no-one. I have struggled probably with anxiety for multiple years but battled on and maybe tried a few self help things like books, audio stuff etc. Most week-ends and evenings I have been exhausted and pretty much spent the time by myself. Not really thought so much about it thought it was the long hours of the job, travelling etc etc.

Then maybe a couple of weeks I started watching Patience on channel 4, a programme about an autistic girl who helps the police solve crime. This did make me stop and think as there were elements of how she was that I could identify with. I have always had a very strong memory for facts and a good visual memory too. Her directness, some of her behaviour, etc

That really got me thinking, was I autistic? I did not think so...how could I be? I can speak to people, even manage people at work and so on. 

I spoke to my wife about it and she agreed with me, she told me about some online tests that my daughter had done which made me curious. I looked them up and at the same time started to read about Autism and what exactly it was. This sent my mind spinning as many of the traits fit...ok not every one but a lot. I did the tests and I mean pretty much all of them I could find and were recommended. I was shocked to discover that according to these diagnostic tests I was autistic. Since then I have repeated these tests, I know stupid but something must have gone wrong. I must have answered something incorrectly, surely?

My mind was and still is on overdrive, I have watched a load stuff on Youtube, podcasts, articles etc and the more I read the more I could see the pattern. But I think it was the masking thing that finally hit home. I had no idea about masking whatsoever and then reading/watching a load stuff on it I realised that is exactly what I have been doing for years and years. This blew my mind! I'm still struggling with it now, my mind is pretty much broken...

I've been a wreck for the last week, I couldn't face going to work and have barely left the house. I really don't know who I am anymore? Its very unclear to me as to what I do now, I keep going around in circles, how can things go back to what they were? Can I go back now, I can't undo what I know now? I have always thought of myself as strong minded and it doesn't sit well looking at where I am now.

Sorry for the long post and probably not said everything I meant to say! 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community!

    Although I initially felt relieved when I realised that I was autistic, my mood also took a sharply downward turn soon afterwards. On the plus side, many of us here are "late realised" and/or "late diagnosed", so you're in good company! :)  

    Whilst the information that you've shared could be consistent with autism, we can't offer medical advice here, and the professionals involved in assessments also consider a lot of additional information.

    If you haven't yet seen them, you might like to read through the various resources in the NAS's recently revamped diagnosis hub. They cover all stages of the process, with each section containing several articles relating to that stage:

    • Before diagnosis
    • Assessment and diagnosis 
    • After diagnosis 

    For example, these articles (from "Before diagnosis") would perhaps make for a particularly timely read:

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

    NAS - Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

    NAS - How to request an autism assessment

    If you live in England, you might particularly like to read (in the above "how to..." article) about requesting an assessment via Right to Choose (which enables access to private providers who might have shorter waiting lists than the NHS, but with your referral and assessment still fully funded by the NHS).

    Some examples of Right to Choose providers are listed here, for example:

    ADHD and ASD assessment – Right To Choose

    You mention having already completed some online tests. The NAS articles include links to some screening questionnaires that you can complete, to get a better idea of whether your suspicions might be correct. You might prefer to use the website below for this, rather than the versions linked in the NAS article.

    The site provides some very useful commentary for each questionnaire, and also enables them to be completed online (with scores calculated for you), saved as PDFs and - if the results support your suspicions and you decide to seek a formal diagnosis - printed off to take with you to the GP.

    The AQ-10 or AQ-50 seem to be the most frequently used / required by GPs in support of NHS referrals. (RAADS-R might also be helpful, although some recent research has thrown doubt on its validity as a screening tool):

    Embrace Autism - screening tests

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thanks Bunny for taking the time to reply to my post and for the information you have provided. I don't think I will pursue the medical route, I'm not good with doctors etc. Never spoken to anybody about my issues/problems and cannot entertain such a thought. I do appreciate the info though so thank you for that!

    ps I have done all these tests and multiple times lol

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    You're most welcome!

    If you're not keen on pursuing a diagnosis (which I can fully understand), you might find this article helpful - it speaks to the kinds of feelings that you're going through:

    NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis

    Also, and whilst I appreciate what you said about dealing with doctors, I do still want to personally encourage you to reach out to your GP for help with your mental health if your feelings don't improve.

    Unfortunately, due to the nature of our difficulties, it's common for autistic people to experience co-occurring mental health problems, including depression and anxiety. More info:

    NAS - Mental health and wellbeing

    You might also find therapy or counselling helpful; this is commonly recommended following a diagnosis. In my area, we can self refer for this on the NHS, although you may need to go via your GP if it's different in yours.

    If this is something you might consider, there's an excellent book that you might like to borrow or buy beforehand, which many of us here have found helpful. It includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint:

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

    I wish you all the best.

Reply
  • in reply to White_Dragon

    You're most welcome!

    If you're not keen on pursuing a diagnosis (which I can fully understand), you might find this article helpful - it speaks to the kinds of feelings that you're going through:

    NAS - How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis

    Also, and whilst I appreciate what you said about dealing with doctors, I do still want to personally encourage you to reach out to your GP for help with your mental health if your feelings don't improve.

    Unfortunately, due to the nature of our difficulties, it's common for autistic people to experience co-occurring mental health problems, including depression and anxiety. More info:

    NAS - Mental health and wellbeing

    You might also find therapy or counselling helpful; this is commonly recommended following a diagnosis. In my area, we can self refer for this on the NHS, although you may need to go via your GP if it's different in yours.

    If this is something you might consider, there's an excellent book that you might like to borrow or buy beforehand, which many of us here have found helpful. It includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint:

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

    I wish you all the best.

Children