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Where's the line between my partner being abusive and being autistic?

Gandalf_the_White

He throws huge fits (crying, screaming, punching things, throwing himself on the floor, shaking), even though I've told him repeatedly that they make me feel unsafe in my own home. I cannot eat around him. I can't relax around him. He makes me so anxious because I never know what is going to cause another fit. One sure way to get him to throw a fit is to tell him he's hurt my feelings. If I tell him something has hurt me, I don't get to be comforted. I get to watch him despair. If it were anyone else, I would say it was abusive. But, how does his autism play into this? What can I expect out of him? We moved from Spain to Germany where noise complaints could get us kicked out of our apartment and could make me lose my job (My boss gave us the apartment. It comes with my job. If she finds out we've gotten a noise complaint, she's going to fire me.). I've explained to him how this is emotionally abusive and could turn into economic abuse if he makes me lose my job. 

It's not just the fits, though. I made an account and posted here for the first time because, this morning, he asked about a new coffee cup in our kitchen. 

I said: "It was a Christmas gift from my bosses. I like it. Look, the font is special because it was created by a Dutch artist..." [I see him losing interest, so I cut it short.] "Anyway, I think it's cute. I was telling you I wanted a cute coffee cup and now I have one." 

He said: "Hmm. I won't tell you what I think about it." 

I know it's stupid and small, but it sent me over the edge. 

I can understand being flooded with shame, especially because he was raised by a narcissist and he's autistic. He's reading books about CPTSD, Anger management, DBT, narcissistic parents. He said he'll go to therapy soon for all of this. 

I cannot understand being mean about a gift someone received. Like, I cannot even imagine myself saying something like this to an enemy. 

This morning, I had to buy a 600 euro bed to put in our living room because he thrashes when he sleeps. I told him he could stay in the nice, big bed in the bedroom. I would take the new twin bed in the living room. Over the holidays, we slept in separate beds for almost three weeks for one reason or another and it's the first consistent sleep I've had in years. The last two nights, we tried sleeping in the same bed again and he kept me awake both nights. This morning, he woke me up at 4:30 in the morning. I'm perimenopausal. Sleep is so precious to me and absolutely required, as I'm the only one working and I'm a very physically active nanny for two children. He got really mopey and I had to comfort him again...after he kept me up all night and I had to buy a new bed. I also had to have the bed delivered to the house because I knew if I asked him to go with me to IKEA that it would turn into an argument. Or, he would say he didn't have time to go. 

What is going on in my home?  

Parents

  • You are perfectly entitled to expect him to do the work to build a better relationship. If he is autistic, there are still coping mechanisms that can be employed to the avoid or mitigate meltdowns. My autism diagnosis came about late in life because I was having what my wife thought were tantrums. Eventually she suggested I test for autism and I did. Turns out they were meltdowns. And now we work together to navigate the minefield. 

    Knowing what the causes are is half the battle. He must learn what his triggers are, and what the signs are that there are meltdowns on the horizon. Then he needs to do whatever it takes to separate himself, or calm himself, or find his safe space until he calms down. 

    Mindfulness, meditation, Tai Chi, and self-exploration would all be extremely beneficial if he's willing to undertake them. But he has to be willing. 

    You say you are perimenopausal. In a strange way, this may allow you some insight into autism. When my wife went through perimenopause she had a periods of extreme emotional overload, which she found very hard to control. This is not too dissimilar to an autistic meltdown. And you sound like someone who takes responsibility for where they are and does what they can to improve themselves. Simply put, he needs to meet you on the same level. 

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  • You are perfectly entitled to expect him to do the work to build a better relationship. If he is autistic, there are still coping mechanisms that can be employed to the avoid or mitigate meltdowns. My autism diagnosis came about late in life because I was having what my wife thought were tantrums. Eventually she suggested I test for autism and I did. Turns out they were meltdowns. And now we work together to navigate the minefield. 

    Knowing what the causes are is half the battle. He must learn what his triggers are, and what the signs are that there are meltdowns on the horizon. Then he needs to do whatever it takes to separate himself, or calm himself, or find his safe space until he calms down. 

    Mindfulness, meditation, Tai Chi, and self-exploration would all be extremely beneficial if he's willing to undertake them. But he has to be willing. 

    You say you are perimenopausal. In a strange way, this may allow you some insight into autism. When my wife went through perimenopause she had a periods of extreme emotional overload, which she found very hard to control. This is not too dissimilar to an autistic meltdown. And you sound like someone who takes responsibility for where they are and does what they can to improve themselves. Simply put, he needs to meet you on the same level. 

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