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Where's the line between my partner being abusive and being autistic?

Gandalf_the_White

He throws huge fits (crying, screaming, punching things, throwing himself on the floor, shaking), even though I've told him repeatedly that they make me feel unsafe in my own home. I cannot eat around him. I can't relax around him. He makes me so anxious because I never know what is going to cause another fit. One sure way to get him to throw a fit is to tell him he's hurt my feelings. If I tell him something has hurt me, I don't get to be comforted. I get to watch him despair. If it were anyone else, I would say it was abusive. But, how does his autism play into this? What can I expect out of him? We moved from Spain to Germany where noise complaints could get us kicked out of our apartment and could make me lose my job (My boss gave us the apartment. It comes with my job. If she finds out we've gotten a noise complaint, she's going to fire me.). I've explained to him how this is emotionally abusive and could turn into economic abuse if he makes me lose my job. 

It's not just the fits, though. I made an account and posted here for the first time because, this morning, he asked about a new coffee cup in our kitchen. 

I said: "It was a Christmas gift from my bosses. I like it. Look, the font is special because it was created by a Dutch artist..." [I see him losing interest, so I cut it short.] "Anyway, I think it's cute. I was telling you I wanted a cute coffee cup and now I have one." 

He said: "Hmm. I won't tell you what I think about it." 

I know it's stupid and small, but it sent me over the edge. 

I can understand being flooded with shame, especially because he was raised by a narcissist and he's autistic. He's reading books about CPTSD, Anger management, DBT, narcissistic parents. He said he'll go to therapy soon for all of this. 

I cannot understand being mean about a gift someone received. Like, I cannot even imagine myself saying something like this to an enemy. 

This morning, I had to buy a 600 euro bed to put in our living room because he thrashes when he sleeps. I told him he could stay in the nice, big bed in the bedroom. I would take the new twin bed in the living room. Over the holidays, we slept in separate beds for almost three weeks for one reason or another and it's the first consistent sleep I've had in years. The last two nights, we tried sleeping in the same bed again and he kept me awake both nights. This morning, he woke me up at 4:30 in the morning. I'm perimenopausal. Sleep is so precious to me and absolutely required, as I'm the only one working and I'm a very physically active nanny for two children. He got really mopey and I had to comfort him again...after he kept me up all night and I had to buy a new bed. I also had to have the bed delivered to the house because I knew if I asked him to go with me to IKEA that it would turn into an argument. Or, he would say he didn't have time to go. 

What is going on in my home?  

Parents

  • I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with your relationship. 

    I am a woman in my sixties on the autism spectrum with a long term partner who is very likely also ND, and have studied autism extensively - although I have no qualifications in counselling, therapy, psychology or psychiatry so please do not take any of my post as medical / professional advice. however, I  will try to guess what is happening in your partner's head so that it might give you a bit more understanding.

    You told us that you have recently moved from one country to another. This will have caused him a great deal of stress as autistic people can have big problems with change, and there will be multiple changes such as new home, new surroundings, different people to deal with, different language, etc, which could be causing constant overload. You say that only you are working, so does he interact with other people at all and Is he fluent in German? If not, he's probably feeling isolated, and as he is not bringing in any money he is probably feeling guilty and suffering from low self esteem. If he is thrashing about in bed he is likely to be suffering from bad dreams and poor sleep, which will exacerbate his mental health issues, and although it's a good idea to sleep in separate rooms - as you need your sleep too - this may make him feel more lonely and maybe that you don't care for him as much as you did before.

    These are as I said, just guesses. But here are some practical ideas of how I would deal with this situation if I was you:

    I would encourage him to speak to a doctor about how he is feeling, so that he can be prescribed any medication the doctor thinks is appropriate to help him relax, sleep better and regulate his mood and emotions. Also encourage him to see a therapist as he has mentioned it.

    I would try to raise his self esteem by asking him for help with things and thanking him or telling him he did a good job afterwards (this doesn't need to sound patronising, just something like "oh, I'm so glad you did that as it's saved me from having to do it before/after work") You don't say if he is able to work, but if he is you could encourage him to get some part time work, pointing out the strengths and abilities he has that would make him good at doing a certain job.

    Try to build a schedule/routine into your week so that he knows when things are going to happen. Ask him to help with this and ensure you build in some time to do things together - even just cooking a meal together and watching a movie at home, so that you can both unwind and be relaxed with each other. If you need to change the schedule or are going to be home late, tell him as soon as possible.

    Try to talk to someone else you trust about how you are feeling (or use a therapist) so that you get some support too. I don't think it's a good idea to tell him how you're feeling until his mental health improves as it could make him feel more guilty and worsen the situation for both of you.

    When you get some quiet time together, ask him what he wants out of life and what will make him happy. Then you will be able to judge if you still both have the same aims in life and if so you can work towards them together. If not, it may be that you will sadly have to decide if you can both carry on in the relationship, and if not what practical things you need to do to make a breakup less devastating to both of you.

    Regarding the gift you mentioned, it is often difficult for autistic people to say something nice about something they don't like - often we can't see why the truth would hurt someone's feelings. It isn't personal. Put it in a cupboard when you're not using it and forget about it.

    Look after yourself and I hope things improve soon.

Reply

  • I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with your relationship. 

    I am a woman in my sixties on the autism spectrum with a long term partner who is very likely also ND, and have studied autism extensively - although I have no qualifications in counselling, therapy, psychology or psychiatry so please do not take any of my post as medical / professional advice. however, I  will try to guess what is happening in your partner's head so that it might give you a bit more understanding.

    You told us that you have recently moved from one country to another. This will have caused him a great deal of stress as autistic people can have big problems with change, and there will be multiple changes such as new home, new surroundings, different people to deal with, different language, etc, which could be causing constant overload. You say that only you are working, so does he interact with other people at all and Is he fluent in German? If not, he's probably feeling isolated, and as he is not bringing in any money he is probably feeling guilty and suffering from low self esteem. If he is thrashing about in bed he is likely to be suffering from bad dreams and poor sleep, which will exacerbate his mental health issues, and although it's a good idea to sleep in separate rooms - as you need your sleep too - this may make him feel more lonely and maybe that you don't care for him as much as you did before.

    These are as I said, just guesses. But here are some practical ideas of how I would deal with this situation if I was you:

    I would encourage him to speak to a doctor about how he is feeling, so that he can be prescribed any medication the doctor thinks is appropriate to help him relax, sleep better and regulate his mood and emotions. Also encourage him to see a therapist as he has mentioned it.

    I would try to raise his self esteem by asking him for help with things and thanking him or telling him he did a good job afterwards (this doesn't need to sound patronising, just something like "oh, I'm so glad you did that as it's saved me from having to do it before/after work") You don't say if he is able to work, but if he is you could encourage him to get some part time work, pointing out the strengths and abilities he has that would make him good at doing a certain job.

    Try to build a schedule/routine into your week so that he knows when things are going to happen. Ask him to help with this and ensure you build in some time to do things together - even just cooking a meal together and watching a movie at home, so that you can both unwind and be relaxed with each other. If you need to change the schedule or are going to be home late, tell him as soon as possible.

    Try to talk to someone else you trust about how you are feeling (or use a therapist) so that you get some support too. I don't think it's a good idea to tell him how you're feeling until his mental health improves as it could make him feel more guilty and worsen the situation for both of you.

    When you get some quiet time together, ask him what he wants out of life and what will make him happy. Then you will be able to judge if you still both have the same aims in life and if so you can work towards them together. If not, it may be that you will sadly have to decide if you can both carry on in the relationship, and if not what practical things you need to do to make a breakup less devastating to both of you.

    Regarding the gift you mentioned, it is often difficult for autistic people to say something nice about something they don't like - often we can't see why the truth would hurt someone's feelings. It isn't personal. Put it in a cupboard when you're not using it and forget about it.

    Look after yourself and I hope things improve soon.

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