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Formality

Deleted User

I realised only relatively recently that I interact rather formally with people I don’t know well.

As I’ve said on here before, I need time to build a mental model of other people before I can be comfortable interacting with them. In the meantime I must come across as very stiff, because I’m being incredibly careful not to overstep any boundaries or make any assumptions.

But this must be one of the things that hampers my efforts to make friends. How can other people be comfortable around someone who is stiff and formal? Nevermind flirting!

Do any of you do this?

Parents

  • I’m same. I hear often that I’m in a bad mood. I can’t imagine myself doing playful smalltalk with someone who I don’t know well. Others people do it often. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    In my teens and twenties I was often asked what was wrong or why am I depressed because me internal emotional state was rarely reflected on my face. I’m better at it now but it’s still an issue Slight smile

    I really wish I could do playful smalltalk with strangers but I feel as if I’m breaking all the rules or invading their personal space.

    There are people at work who could crack cheeky jokes in a roomful of strangers. I really envy that.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    I was told to stop being so shy and quiet. As a teen, more or less 15-16 once I approached some young man and just like that overshared with him that I have a Tumor on my ovary. My step dad said that it’s unbelievable how stupid I am and socially disabled. I didn’t see anything wrong in it. Now I understand it was socially unacceptable. So also not being sure if something is appropriate or not or if I should start talking at a particular moment or not is adding anxiety to the whole issue. I keep hearing till today, why I’m so sad and what’s wrong with me, although I’m not sad. Now at least I understand that it’s linked to the condition I suspect having. 

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  • in reply to Deleted User

    I was told to stop being so shy and quiet. As a teen, more or less 15-16 once I approached some young man and just like that overshared with him that I have a Tumor on my ovary. My step dad said that it’s unbelievable how stupid I am and socially disabled. I didn’t see anything wrong in it. Now I understand it was socially unacceptable. So also not being sure if something is appropriate or not or if I should start talking at a particular moment or not is adding anxiety to the whole issue. I keep hearing till today, why I’m so sad and what’s wrong with me, although I’m not sad. Now at least I understand that it’s linked to the condition I suspect having. 

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    My strategy was: ask someone how are they, let them speak about themselves and only confirm with “mhm” - acknowledge what I hear. Sometimes I like it, because when people tell me a story, I see it like a movie in my head. But yeah, my reaction is actually inappropriate, recently I found out it actually shows the other person, that I’m disinterested in what they say. But I do t really know how to react or should I be an actress (I can’t) and behave like the other actresses in life (my female peers I observe). Sometimes I notice something interesting or funny and if it’s at work I show it my colleagues, for example look, who is such an idiot to send 4 small cans of paint on two stacked pallets with few layers of stretch film and card “do not burden”. I showed it to a manager of the paint department in our shop and she laughed, saying “welcome to Germany” but unfortunately not always I have such funny situations to be a reason to approach someone. Other thing is that I only sometimes say something even if it’s funny but I don’t have ideas how to continue the conversation. Best socialising for me is sitting together with someone and doing something. Life is unpredictable and the biggest issue is not knowing what topic someone will start with me and having to prepare the answer. I also hate it when my coworkers wish me a happy new year and I suddenly (busy thinking or doing something) have to prepare the answer and say it back to not be rude. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    So also not being sure if something is appropriate or not

    Have you tried writing out a whole list of topics of conversation and rating them as to their suitability in different situations?

    What this can do is get you to practice rationalising them so when you have to do it in the heat of the moment you have this pattern of analysis burned into your neural pathways and should be able to make a faster decision before sticking two feet in.

    If you have someone close who can review this list then they should be able to help pick up where you are making errors and this can help you correct some mistakes.

    I have been able to do this for decades now so it can work if you put the effort in.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    I think this is why so many of us are so quiet. It's safer to say nothing if you're not sure. We all have excruciating memories of getting it wrong.