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autism and maladaptive perfectionism

Violetfred

as a man in his fifties awaiting diagnosis, the more digging i do, the more confused i get. the easiest way to describe my life is that i let it drift. many situations in my life i also play out in my mind. for example, if out on a first date, you will imagine how the relationship will develop over a period of time. the trouble is, when you live your life in 'virtual reality' , years go by and you realise you have not progressed as a person. seing my younger brother with teenage kids, seeing some of my peers being grandparents. where did the time go.

my coping mechanism has always been perfectionism. something which i, and anyone else cannot measure up to. this leaves me feeling afraid of failure, so i do not bother trying. my inability to 'live my best life' is frustrating.

do you all think these two conditions are linked. if i'm diagnosed as not being on the spectrum, this leaves me as just being a failed perfectionist. its like being on a formula 1 starting grid, the green light goes and everyone races off, except my car wont start. then competitors start to lap you and you realise that youre stuck.

any advice or coping stategies (other then perfectionism) would be appreciated.

Parents

  • Perfectionism is a common trait in autistic people, linked to repetitive behaviours and black & white thinking. Whether you are formally diagnosed or not doesn't matter in my opinion.

    You seem to realise that perfectionism is a failed coping mechanism, as you cannot live up to your own unrealistic standards. Why do you try to cope using this strategy? (Not criticising, just curious)

    I understand the feeling of not being the same as others and thinking that people will judge you, but to put it bluntly if I may - that way of thinking doesn't get us anywhere. We need practical solutions.

    Your life is exactly that - yours. You're not in a race. If you want you can metaphorically park your car in your driveway and sit on your lawn watching all the other people racing by trying to overtake everyone else. We're human beings, not human doings.

    So what do you want? Make up your mind what will make you happy, not what anyone else sees as "success". And make a list (in your head, on a notepad or spreadsheet) of what you have succeeded at and what you wish to improve at or try doing. Make it your new special interest.

    This is just my ideas. If they don't help, maybe you could try a therapist to see if they can help you work things out. I wish you all the best.

Reply

  • Perfectionism is a common trait in autistic people, linked to repetitive behaviours and black & white thinking. Whether you are formally diagnosed or not doesn't matter in my opinion.

    You seem to realise that perfectionism is a failed coping mechanism, as you cannot live up to your own unrealistic standards. Why do you try to cope using this strategy? (Not criticising, just curious)

    I understand the feeling of not being the same as others and thinking that people will judge you, but to put it bluntly if I may - that way of thinking doesn't get us anywhere. We need practical solutions.

    Your life is exactly that - yours. You're not in a race. If you want you can metaphorically park your car in your driveway and sit on your lawn watching all the other people racing by trying to overtake everyone else. We're human beings, not human doings.

    So what do you want? Make up your mind what will make you happy, not what anyone else sees as "success". And make a list (in your head, on a notepad or spreadsheet) of what you have succeeded at and what you wish to improve at or try doing. Make it your new special interest.

    This is just my ideas. If they don't help, maybe you could try a therapist to see if they can help you work things out. I wish you all the best.

Children
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