• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 82 subscribers
  • Views 715 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

autism and maladaptive perfectionism

Violetfred

as a man in his fifties awaiting diagnosis, the more digging i do, the more confused i get. the easiest way to describe my life is that i let it drift. many situations in my life i also play out in my mind. for example, if out on a first date, you will imagine how the relationship will develop over a period of time. the trouble is, when you live your life in 'virtual reality' , years go by and you realise you have not progressed as a person. seing my younger brother with teenage kids, seeing some of my peers being grandparents. where did the time go.

my coping mechanism has always been perfectionism. something which i, and anyone else cannot measure up to. this leaves me feeling afraid of failure, so i do not bother trying. my inability to 'live my best life' is frustrating.

do you all think these two conditions are linked. if i'm diagnosed as not being on the spectrum, this leaves me as just being a failed perfectionist. its like being on a formula 1 starting grid, the green light goes and everyone races off, except my car wont start. then competitors start to lap you and you realise that youre stuck.

any advice or coping stategies (other then perfectionism) would be appreciated.

  • Jokingly - if you figure out the perfectionism thing please let me know.

    More seriously - I'm late 30s only just had the diagnosis. I have struggled a LOT with the black and white thinking and with perfectionism. As an example: the law states that a Self-Employed worker is a legal term. They have some of the rights of an employee, but the tax liabilities of a self-employed worker. Actors tend to fit this definition. Now, when I hired actors I used to pay them what they were legally entitled to - an hourly rate plus holiday pay in lieu. I found it difficult if not impossible to tolerate companies that did not pay their actors this too. They were, and are in no uncertain terms breaking employment laws. Sadly, that's not how companies, nor the law often enough works. I still shy away from making theatre shows again because of the high costs of 'doing it correctly'. The end result might not be perfect, but for me the process ought to be. Suffice to say there are a multitude of companies not hamstrung by this kind of black and white, perfectionist thinking. 

    Now, I'm still trying to work through what it means to be autistic. I'm still trying to work out what is explained by autism and what is just 'me'. So the reason I post this anecdote in response is my way of saying that you're not alone in this. I sadly don't have any practical advice for which I apologise.

  • Perfectionism is a common trait in autistic people, linked to repetitive behaviours and black & white thinking. Whether you are formally diagnosed or not doesn't matter in my opinion.

    You seem to realise that perfectionism is a failed coping mechanism, as you cannot live up to your own unrealistic standards. Why do you try to cope using this strategy? (Not criticising, just curious)

    I understand the feeling of not being the same as others and thinking that people will judge you, but to put it bluntly if I may - that way of thinking doesn't get us anywhere. We need practical solutions.

    Your life is exactly that - yours. You're not in a race. If you want you can metaphorically park your car in your driveway and sit on your lawn watching all the other people racing by trying to overtake everyone else. We're human beings, not human doings.

    So what do you want? Make up your mind what will make you happy, not what anyone else sees as "success". And make a list (in your head, on a notepad or spreadsheet) of what you have succeeded at and what you wish to improve at or try doing. Make it your new special interest.

    This is just my ideas. If they don't help, maybe you could try a therapist to see if they can help you work things out. I wish you all the best.